RJ Silver - The Princess & the Penis

A long time ago in a small kingdomfar, far away, there lived a beautiful young princess namedAmalia. She was so beautiful, flowers leanedtoward her when she walked past. Birds andbutterflies fluttered around her to get a closerlook. Even women who might normally turn greenwith envy, turned pink with admiration instead.

She was not only beautiful butkind. In the small village outside her familyscastle, she served hot meals to the hungry, handed out blankets tothe cold, and gave hope to the despondent. Thepeople called her an angel.

Amalias father, King Norwood, wasso proud and protective of his daughter, he sought to do what nofather had ever successfully done: to protect her from Cupidspoisonous arrows. He surrounded her with threechaste companions and a special troop of guards sworn to defend hervirtue at all costs. He forbade all single malesover the age of twelve from approaching her. Heblocked all love songs from reaching her ears, all romantic storiesfrom passing before her eyes, and even made it a crime to discusssuch matters with her.

In short, he wanted to keep her aspure as fresh snow, as innocent as a fawn, until her beauty,kindness, and purity attracted a worthy husband preferably acrown prince from one of the big kingdoms. Hehoped such a union would not only make her happy, but would alsohelp his small, impoverished kingdom of Westwichsurvive.

By the time Amalia turnedeighteen, the kings plan seemed to have worked. Eleven princes had asked for her hand in marriage on reputationalone. The king had rejected all but one: PrinceRupert from the mighty kingdom of Arginy, who was now on his way tomeet her. Everything was going perfectly Amalias gilded cage had not a single scratch until one morningshe arrived for breakfast in the Great Hall, rubbing her eyes andyawning.

Why so tired? asked QueenIsabella, Amalias ageless and graceful mother. Did you not sleep well, my dear?

Its my bed, Amalia answereddrowsily. There was a lump under my rump allnight long.

A lump? said the king, whocouldnt bear to see his daughter suffer the slightestdiscomfort. Thatsunacceptable. Ill have the steward replace yourmattress right away.

Thank you, Father, said Amaliaas she gently massaged her behind.

* * *

The next morning, Amalia enteredthe Great Hall with the same look of sleepy discomfort on herface.

Whats wrong, my child? askedthe queen.

It was the lump again, Mother,answered the princess. It seemed to poke andprod me from dusk till dawn.

Thats strange, said theking. I thought the steward replaced yourmattress.

He did,Father.

Hmmmperhaps its theframe. Ill have him replace that,too. You must look rested when Prince Rupertarrives.

Amalia felt something tug herinsides. She was quite nervous about theprinces arrival, now only one week away. Tostart with, she had two conflicting views of men, both formed at adistance. The noblemen visiting the castlealways seemed so shiny and brash, she wondered why any of themneeded trumpeters. Shed concluded that toconverse with them, one merely needed to nod andsmile. On the other hand, the men in the villageseemed more full of ale than themselves, mumbled a great deal whenthey spoke, and sometimes fell asleep sittingup. To communicate with them, their wives oftenstood quite close, yelling as loud as possible and even poking themin the chest. Now Prince Rupert was a famousnobleman, so she suspected he required a lot of nodding andsmiling, but shed also observed noblewomen behaving like villagewives on occasion, and she didnt understand when to make theswitch.

She also wasnt sure what to dowith a man aside from conversing. Shed mostlyobserved noblemen at tournaments, where they jousted all day, thendrank and caroused all night. But as she didntjoust, drink, or carouse, she couldnt see much of a role forherself there.

Then there was that disgustingthing shed witnessed at two separate feasts, when a man and womanpressed their mouths together and appeared to chew the samefood. Shed never observed married couples doinganything similar, so she didnt think shed have to do that withPrince Rupert, but she wasnt certain.

It was all so confusing, shewanted very much to talk to her mother and aunts aboutit. That wasnt permitted,however. Besides, at the moment, she was far toodistracted by the current pain in her butt to discuss her futurehusband.

* * *

At the following breakfast, theprincess complained of the same uncomfortablelump.

I thought the steward replacedyour entire bed, said the king, exasperated.

He did, said the queen,appearing concerned. Perhaps the lumps not inthe bed.

It took a few seconds for this toregister with the king. When it did, he jumpedto his feet. Guards! he bellowed, his voicebooming from within his dark beard like thunder from theclouds. Fetch my physician!

Shortly after, the kings personalphysician arrived: a short, elderly man with stooped shoulders andenormous spectacles. The physician, the queen,and Amalia retired to a private chamber. Theking paced nervously outside the door. After afew minutes, everyone emerged smiling andrelieved. Alls well, sire, said thephysician. The princesss behind is as roundand soft as a lambs.

Thank goodness! said theking. So whats causing herdiscomfort?

I dont know,sire. Perhaps its the way shessleeping.

Overhearing this, Amalia said, Noproblem, Father. Ill try to sleep differentlytonight.

The next morning, the princesssrear end was as sore as ever, though this time it was only onecheek, since shed slept on her side.

Impossible! said the king,completely baffled. She has a new mattress, anew frame, and her bottom is as round and soft as alambs. Wheres the lump comingfrom?

Theres something else, said theprincess. Its no longer just alump. Last night, I felt it to see what it mightbe, and it began to grow. In fact, the more Ifelt it, the more it grew, until it assumed a most peculiarshape.

What kind of shape? asked thequeen, now more concerned than ever.

The princess looked around andpicked up one of the large candles from the breakfasttable. Well, it was long and hard like this,except much thicker. And it was bigger at thetop, like a mushroom. And here, at the bottom,it had two large apples, one on either side.

The queen dropped her fork ontoher plate. The king nearly choked on hisbuttered scone. As soon as he recovered, hestood and yelled, Guards, fetch your captain!

A few minutes later, the captainof the guards arrived. The king pulled him asideto explain what had happened, his face red withrage. In her own bed! When Iget hold of this villain, Im going to flay himalive. Im going cut off his private parts andhang them on a pole for all to see. Then Imgoing to take them down and stuff them in his

I understand, sire, said thecaptain. I just cant figure out how he gotinto her room. I have two guards posted outsideher door day and night, and two more beneath herwindow. No one could get pastthem.

Perhaps its one of them, saidthe king. Have you noticed anything peculiarabout their loins? Puffy pantaloons, large lumpsin their tights that sort of thing?

Forgive me,sire. I dont understand.