Offutt - How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items

A PERMUTED PRESS book

Published at Smashwords

ISBN (eBook): 978-1-61868-434-9

How to Kill Monsters Using Common HouseholdItems copyright 2014

by Jason Offutt

All Rights Reserved.

Cover art by Hunter Walker

Thisbookisaworkoffiction. People, places,events, andsituationsaretheproductoftheauthorsimagination. Anyresemblancetoactualpersons, livingordead,orhistoricalevents, ispurelycoincidental.

Nopartofthisbookmaybereproduced, storedinaretrievalsystem, ortransmittedbyanymeanswithoutthewrittenpermissionoftheauthorandpublisher.

This book is dedicated to Professor AbrahamVan Helsing, and the rest of us regular Joes (Im looking at youvillagers with pitchforks) who put their lives on the line everynight for the safety of mankind.

Some things just need to be killed: KingKong, Hitler, a grizzly bear with a machine gun. Sure, King Kongand Hitler may be gone, but that bear is out there somewhere justwaiting to pounce on you like the Viet Cong. Look out for Yogi, upin the tree. The world is full of evil things that want to killyouwicked things like vampires, werewolves, zombies, and demonclowns. These beasts will not only try to kill you, theyll try toeat you, sometimes starting with the naughty bits. Yes, you mightbe delicious, but thats not the point. You need to kill thesebeasts before they sink their teeth into you, because once yourblood is contaminated, you either become dinner or you become oneof them. And that just causes problems, because someone (me/yourspouse/your mom/your kids Little League coach/Mancow) will have tokill you. Thats where How to Kill Monsters Using CommonHousehold Items comes in. Read it. I have a feeling you like tostay alive.

This book is a necessary weapon in thearsenal of every American family. If you think theres no suchthing as monsters, you obviously dont watch cable news. Zombieattacks on unarmed American citizens are up ninety-five percent inthis country since the Revolutionary War (which is why our FoundingFathers wrote the Second Amendment to the Constitution. ThomasJefferson was terrified of monsters); werewolf attacks are upthirty-seven percent; and according to 2010 census data, there aremore vampires in the United Sates per capita than in Europe,Russia, and Central Africa combined. This is probably due to theUnited States being the fattest nation on earth. With 30.5 percentof our population classified as obese, its no wonder were overrunwith vampires, werewolves, and other man-hunting beasts; wereeasier to catch than the people in countries where people eathealthier, like Japan and Greece. Of course, since vampires arenotoriously careless when it comes to filling out governmentpaperwork, the number of walking, stalking undead tapping on oursecond-story windows at night, and going to PTA meetings isprobably much higher than we know. A vampire attacked a man in myneighborhood just last night, and since the victim was the deliverydriver for my favorite Chinese take-out place, Im pretty pissedoff right now. Oh, and hungry for wonton. Stupid vampires.

Each chapter in How to Kill Monsters UsingCommon Household Items describes the monster you need to kill,why you need to kill it, how to avoid it killing you, tools fromaround the house you can use, how the monster behaves while yourekilling it (monsters hate it when we kill them), and what to dowith the body. Disposing of the body is important when you killsomething that looks like people. The novice monster killer mightfire a bullet right into the heart of a demon-infested werewolfonly to watch it turn from a hellish monster into, potentially, avery dead Seth Green. Tell a cop your neighbors cookingmethamphetamines and youre a hero. Kill a werewolf that looks likeSeth Green and suddenly youre not the cops friend anymore.

Warning:Just in casethe monster youve researched, stalked, and ripped the heart frommight actually be Seth Green and not a creature from the pits ofHell, Chapter 13 contains legal advice and how to live in comfortwhile on the run.

The weapons Ive chosen for you to wieldagainst monsters might seem unconventional because theyre justthings lying around, but ask yourself this: where do you spend mostof your time? At home. Dont take your living area for granted.When a monster breaks/sneaks/seduces its way into your personalspace, everything you can grab is a potential killing device.

You: A hairy slathering demon beastjust jumped through the living room window, taking out the cableduring Archer, I might add, and all you grabbed to fight itwith are a letter opener and a Crock-Pot. Seriously? What are yougoing to do, slow cook its mail to death?

Me: Go Time works like this (aptlydemonstrating a quick stabbing motion to the monsters neck with aSpace Shuttle Challenger commemorative ceramic mail opener, and acrushing blow to the monsters cranium with a Crock-Pot full ofmelted Rotel dip).

The Monster:(Cant talk becauseits brain is hemorrhaging, and its suffocating on its ownblood.)

How to Kill Monsters Using CommonHousehold Items teaches you how to recognize and kill vampires,reanimated corpses, zombies, space aliens, robots, clowns,dinosaurs, gnomes, and a bunch of other beasties that want youdead. Okay, so vampires, reanimated corpses, robots, and zombiesarent alive, so people might say you technically cant killthem. These people are idiots and will be the first ones themonsters eat. Lets look at zombies, the trashiest of the undead.Can you kill a zombie? Hell yes, you can kill a zombie. If you cutoff somethings head and it stops trying to kill you, youkilled it. Just because it flat-lined two months ago doesntmean it cant die today.

What should you kill first? Lets tryvampires.

Although there are different techniquesinvolved in killing a scientifically reanimated corpse and killinga living dinosaur, the principle is the same. Monster + weapon =dead. Its important, however, to remember that unless society hasgiven up and admitted the monsters have won, people might get inthe way when you start shooting. Its probably best to avoidthat.

1. Dont kill people. If not for the moralimplications, the legal headaches are maddening and, quite frankly,expensive.

2. Make sure the thing youre going to killis a monster. This is especially important during Halloween, MardiGras, or if you live in certain parts of New York. See Rule 1.

3. Be prepared for anythingeven planting anax in the head of something evil that looks exactly like you, suchas your evil twin from another dimension. Warning:If youre an actual twin, measure twice, cutonce.

4. Make quick decisions. Ten secondshesitation could mean the difference between your life, and theirlunch.