Scott Cohen - Dont You Just Hate That?

Workman Publishing . New York

of Lifes
Little
Annoyances

Scott Cohen

Copyright 2004, 2020 by Scott Cohen

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproducedmechanically, electronically, or by any other means, including
photocopyingwithout written permission of the publisher.
Published simultaneously in Canada by Thomas Allen & Son
Limited.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2020938523

ISBN 978-1-5235-0966-9

Design by Galen Smith

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Printed in the United States

First printing August 2020

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Dedication

Have you ever had a friend who knows exactly what you do and do not need? In 2004, my friend Jeff set me up with Katie. He said shes perfect for me. I met her at a pub near her apartment in the West Village of Manhattan. A few
weeks later, she told me she had moved to Portsmouth,
New Hampshire. Her parents owned a bed and breakfast therewould I like to visit? Was she trying to drum up business for her Mom or were her thoughts more aligned with mine? I asked her where I would stay. She said there was an open roomshe would get me the Friends and Family rate. Fearful of driving five hours to have Katies mom hand me lighthouse and tubing pamphlets, I passed.

Three years later, Katie moved from Los Angeles to Brooklyn. While unpacking, she found a copy of the first edition of Dont You Just Hate That? and decided to email me. I had included my email address at the end of the book in the slim possibility that I would meet someone. This new edition of Dont You Just Hate That? is dedicated to Katie, my wife, and our two boys, Tom and Neil, and to Jeff.

Acknowledgments

When I submitted the final manuscript for Dont You Just Hate That? in 2004, I felt relieved to no longer need to catalog lifes minor absurdities. Soon after the book was published, I sat at a restaurant bar waiting for a friend to arrive. A new Dont You
Just Hate That? point came to meI ignored it. But another came, and then another, and another. I reluctantly borrowed
a pen from the bartender and scribbled the new points onto a cocktail napkin.

Fifteen years later, Danny Cooper, an editor at Workman Publishing, asked me if I had any new material. I told him I had written thousands of Dont You Just Hate That? points over the past fifteen years. We decided to rerelease the book, now updated to include hundreds of new annoyances. Thank you to Danny for reviving this book, and to Richard Rosen, the original editor
you both improved my material and made the process seamless and fun. A mentor of mine, another great editor, Tom Jenks, taught me that Good is the enemy of great. Im happy to have had the chance to improve this bookI hope you enjoy it.

When everything a cynic warns you about ends up happening.

Wondering if the appetizer youre sharing with a friend is being divided evenly.

Having to make that face to people in the hallway at work that implies, Hey.

When someone with lame style compliments the outfit youre wearing.

When it takes scissors to open the plastic packaging containing scissors.

People who view karaoke as their chance to shine.

Kids who think one more means, You can have another and then well argue about it from there.

Trading bad date stories with someone youre having a bad date with.

When you lose your phone and call it and end up speaking with some guy named Todd.

That the student who tells his classmates not to make it a popularity contest when voting for class president almost always loses the election.

Believing that a squirrel making direct eye contact with you is looking into your soul, when in fact it is trying to determine whether you have any nuts to share.

Being yelled at in a foreign language in a foreign country.

Apartment buildings that dont have a 13th floor because of superstitious people.

When someone says, I see you got a haircut, and makes no further comment.

Restaurants with indistinct figures, like a rooster and a chicken, indicating which restrooms are for men and women.

Watching a movie with your parents that shows full-frontal nudity.

Waiting behind people who look like theyre in line but arent.

What the About the Author on a book jacket doesnt tell you (e.g., In addition, Scott has a man-crush on chef Gordon Ramsay.).

That it would be socially unacceptable, at your age, to wrap a Fruit Roll-Up around your pinky and suck on it for a few hours.

Finding a rusty AA battery, old packets of ketchup, and a picture of your aunt tossing a Frisbee as you search your glove compartment for your registration while the state trooper grows impatient.

That nailing a triple lutz in the Olympic figure skating finals is one of many joys you will never know.

When your nieces and nephews reach the age where they can distinguish a cheap gift from an expensive one.

That nursery school is just another forum for bullies.

That both Simon and Garfunkel went bald.

Having to preface the majority of what you say with, I cant recall if Ive mentioned this to you before, but... because youre dating three people.

When your childhood friend who was always better than you at everything is still better than you at everything.

Feeling guilty for not socializing with the owners of the bed-and-breakfast where youre staying.

When a lady calls out, Thanks a million! and waves as her car pulls away, and you realize that you just gave her totally wrong directions.

An open parenthesis that is never closed (like this

The tiny percentage of times when song dedications played on the radio are actually heard by the person theyre being dedicated to.

Wondering, having applied SPF 20 sunscreen, and then a layer of 40 an hour later, whether they average out to 30, they add up to 60, or its only the last layer of 40 that counts.

When the most engaging human interaction of your day is answering, Good, to the question, How are you?

Being unable to forget someone you spent twenty minutes with twenty years ago.

When someone knocks on plastic while saying, Knock on wood.

The feeling you get when you clip your nail
too far.

Having something valid to interject into the conversation of two nearby strangers but knowing that society does not permit you to do so.

That Im sure Ill see you around really means, Perhaps well bump into each other by accident.

Yoga instructors who smoke.

Taking notes not because theres any value to whats being said but because everyone else is taking notes.

Hating the fact that you say, Muah! whenever you kiss someone hello.

When you walk faster because the person in front of you looks attractive, and as you get a closer look you wish you hadnt bothered.

That you need to sing the alphabet in your head in order to figure out which letter comes after W .