ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Where do I start? Bear with me because there are a few people I couldnt have done this without.
To my wonderfully witty husband, Jim, who was always willing to sit with me, have a drink (or two), and give me great material for the book. You not only make me a happy girl, but boy, can you make me laugh!
To my dear friend, Mary Jane, who edited every single word for me as a favor. She never missed a chance to make my book better or to tell me my writing sucked at any particular juncture. Plus, if you ever get the opportunity to meet her, she is the most hysterical girl I know! She is a true friend, and I couldnt imagine not knowing her.
To my mother, whom we affectionately have nicknamed Diamond Lil, because she is known for her love of jewelry. She is the quintessential Southern belle. She is a great mother and a wonderful friend. She has blushed at many things in this book, and even asked if I shouldnt use a pseudonym! But she has always been supportive and a great fan.
To dozens of others, but Ill only name a few. To Anne, Michelle, Beth, Sarah, Brooke, and Mary Kay. Despite my having to ply you with liquor, your stories were hilarious, and some of my best stuff came from those cocktail hours. Im about as lucky a girl I know to have such a great posse!
Last, but absolutely not least, to June, my agent, and Danielle, my editor at Citadel, for taking the risk with an inexperienced Southern belle and watching my back every step of the way!
MISS BECKYS GUIDE TO SOUTHERN SLANG
Your guide to understanding the Southern lingo in this book!
3 pickles shy of a quart His elevator doesnt go all the way to the top. Hes so dumb he aint got the sense God gave a billy goat. In other words, hes dumb!
A litter A bunch of kids.
Big as all daylights Humongous.
Bless your heart! Come on, do you really need help with this one?
Blush like a Georgia peach When peaches from Georgia are in season, they have the most gentle and beautiful color. When a Southern belle blushes, this is how she is said to look.
Country as a turnip green A person who is country through and through.
Dang-it Damn it to hell!
Dogs are barkin My feet are hurtin!
Dont go fishin where fish aint biting Dont bother looking for something in a place where you are not going to find it.
Dont go off with your pistol half-cocked Dont do something without thinking it through.
Duck fit Conniption fit; a really big tantrum
Dumber than a bucket of rocks Cant get much dumber than this!
Dumber than a turnip seed Dumber than a bucket of rocks. You get my point, right? Unless you are dumber than ... oh well, never mind. See also Thick as bricks.
Dumb up To act stupid or pretend to be dumb.
Drunker than a skunk Well, I cant say Ive ever seen a drunk skunk, but you get the picture!
Drunker than Cooter Brown You dont need to know anything else about Cooter Brown. You just need to know he was drunker than hell!
Fixin About to do something.
Full as a tick have you ever seen a tick? Those little varmints are teeny tiny! When you are full as a tick, youre gonna explode!
Gumption Nerve, or balls, if youll pardon my language!
Hell-bent Gonna do it no matter what anybody says.
Hells half-acre Im assuming hell is a big place, so half an acre there probably goes on forever!
Highfalutin Someone who is too big for their britches; thinks theyre something else!
Higher the hair, closer to God Youre read about the big hairneed I say more?
Hold your head up high even if your pockets are empty In other words, just cause you havent got anything doesnt mean you shouldnt be proud.
Knee-high to a grasshopper A very young child.
Knickers in a knot See also Panties in a bunch.
Lay up with Have sex with.
Like a beagle after a rabbit Wanting it real bad.
Lower than a snakes belly You cant get much lower to the ground than a snakes belly! When you do get this low, you are a pretty despicable creature!
More important than lemonade and sunshine Meaning lemonade and sunshine are awfully important around here.
More tongue hanging out than a bunch of blue-tick hounds at a meat market When a man sees a beautiful woman, he looks like a dog thats drooling over a pork chop at Mr. Sammys Butcher Shop!
Nailing jelly to a tree Have you ever tried this? Impossible!
Panties in a bunch Upset.
Smooth as butter A person who is naturally good at charming people
Spit can A used coffee cup, cola bottle, or an empty can that a Southern boy uses to spit the juice from the tobacco he is so elegantly (not!) chewing. Its not a pretty sight!
So dumb she needs instructions to climb a ladder Um, who needs instructions to climb a ladder? See what I mean?
Squeal like a stuck pig Yelling loudly. If youve ever stuck a pig, you know!
Sweet as a jug of iced tea Um, did you read the recipe chapter?
That dog wont hunt That just wont do!
Theres always more silk blouses Theres always another of whatever it is youre looking for.
Thick as bricks See Dumber than a bucket of rocks.
Tu-tu Down there.
Where in tarnation? Where in the hell?
Whippersnapper A go get em kind of person, usually young.
CHAPTER ONE
Honey, What Is It You Want Him For?
Women rule the world, but its supposed to be a secret.
Molly Haskell
I f you are ready to snag a man Southern belle style, there are a few things you need to know before you get started. Sidlin up to the buffet without knowing what youre after can get you in a heap of trouble! Before you go after what you want, doesnt it make sense to narrow your focus by doing a little research? Whether hunting for a boyfriend, a husband, or something in between, there are plenty of breeds to pick from.
Relationships and men are like ships (actually, down here in the South, we call them plain ol boats, but ships sounds better). You can ride the waves of romance on many different kinds of ships, or you can pick one ship and cruise along. But picking the type of ship you want can be tricky. Most men can be found somewhere between the Disney Big Red Boat (think twelve-year-ol mentality) and the Titanic (totally disabled). So what sort of ship do you want to launch? Platonic? Passion with no commitment? Just a good date? A mate?
Sometimes you get on one kind of ship and you think you like where its going, but then you end up going in a completely different direction. Yall need to think about what kind of a relation-ship would make you happy right now . We girls from the South believe you deserve the best, and its up to you to decide what that might be. Lets get started by answering a few questions. Circle the one with which you most identify.
In terms of a mans physical appearance, I...
a. Want a man so hot that you could fry an egg on his behind.
b. Want a man who is long and lean, with slow hands and a soft touch.
c. Want a man who is cute, but no cuter than I am.
d. Want a man who appreciates how long it takes to get dressed.
e. Want a man with good genes who looks good in those tight jeans!
Are smarts important?
a. Only to the extent he doesnt embarrass himself in public.
