Sciortino - Slutever: dispatches from a sexually autonomous woman in post-shame world

S lut is a great word. It just sounds perfectso sharp and clear and beautiful. Its one of those satisfying four-letter words, like cunt and fuck. Slut also happens to be an anagram for lust, which is one of those divine coincidences that makes you wonder if God actually exists.

Were lucky that slut is such a great word, because its pretty safe to say that every woman will be called a slut at least once in her lifetime. I, personally, have the distinct pleasure of being called a slut like twelve times a dayjust one of the many perks of being a sex writer in the age of internet trolls (*hair flip*). Im not sure if my brain is wired wrong, or if Ive simply developed a defense mechanism after years of harassment for being a professional blow-job blogger, but now when someone calls me a slut I get bizarrely excited by it. I find perverse pleasure in knowing that simply by being a woman who openly enjoys sex, Im able to incite rage in total randoms. Its entertaining. And its a rite of passage. Being called a slut means youve really made it, ya know? Like youre officially a woman.

But what is a slut, anyway? According to the relic known as the Oxford English Dictionary, slut is a pejorative term for a woman who has many sexual partners. However, in recent years, the word has gone a bit rogue. These days, its often used maliciously as an umbrella term for any woman whos openly sexual. Something as PG-13 as texting someone a topless selfie can make you a metaphorical whore these days. But if you can be slut-shamed while youre still a virgin, then how do we define what it means to be a slut? Who holds the keys to the slut kingdom?

To me, a slut is a person who seeks out visceral experiences through sex. Being a slut is not necessarily about having a high body count; its about being sexually activated. A slut is someone who has no moral obstacle between themselves and their desire to enjoy sex. A slut is a person who has sex with who they want, how they want, and isnt ashamed about it. Sluts are special. Sluts are radical. And sluts are also skilled at time management, because we can handle multiple dicks on rotation, plus our jobs and our blogs and our beauty routines. Its not easy, being a ho. Not everyone is qualified for this coveted position.

And the slut label is unifying. When I meet a girl who self-identifies as a slut, I immediately feel an affinity with herlike, one of us. Its like a modern-day vagina version of the Freemasons, except without the cool secret handshake. (Unless a hand job counts?) I believe that once we accept this more contemporary, sophisticated definition of slut, it will be easier to accept the label as a badge of honor.

Unfortunately, much of the world has yet to catch up to our level of slutty enlightenment. Until they do, we just have to own it. One of the best pieces of advice my mother ever gave me was: Whenever someone insults you, just smile and say thank you in that wonderfully blas-slash-potentially clueless tone that Andy Warhol perfected. For example, I was recently at the STD clinic being casually diagnosed with throat gonorrhea when the doctor let out an unnecessarily long sigh. Well, he said condescendingly, Ive never known a woman to have gonorrhea in her throat before. Usually we only see that in gay men. And I was like, Wow, thank you! Followed by, Did you just assume my gender?

So far, my sex life has beenhow should I put itcolorful? Thereve been a lot of ups and downs. And, like, whips and chains, lies and deceit, love and hate, lust and money. Not to mention bruises, rashes, dungeons, confusion, insecurity, blackouts, crutches, orgies, doctors appointments, boys, girls, toys, trauma, hotels, jealousy, addiction, mysterious bloodstainsya know, the usual.

For the most part, Ive found my sexual curiosity to be a positive trait, as its led me to have experiences that Im certain Ill be happy to have had when I diefrom Eyes Wide Shutstyle sex parties in hotel penthouses, to being the first assistant dildo on a porn set, to somehow ending up in a prisoner-of-war role play in Munich with a married couple who didnt speak a word of English. Without question, if I werent as slutty as I am, my life thus far would have been far less interesting. As my hooker friend likes to say: Sluts have more fun. But my sluttiness has also been the cause of many existential bathroom-mirror moments. Over the years, Ive often found myself stabbing at the ingrown hairs on my bikini line, thinking: How does my gang-bang fantasy factor into my life plan about who I think I am or whatever?

We are taught that our sexual behavior has a vital impact on who we are, our mental well-being, and how other people perceive usespecially for women. From a young age, society tells us that when a guy has a lot of sex, hes a virile Don Juan whos just fulfilling his biological urge to spread his seed (gross?). But if youre a woman who has a lot of sex, not only are you a slut (in a bad way), but theres also something fundamentally wrong with your brain. You couldnt possibly just want sex for fun, like guys supposedly do, so the desire must be coming from low self-esteem, depression, or because youre ugly and cant get a boyfriend (as if ugly people dont have boyfriends?). Talk about gaslighting on a mega-scale.

Since my teens, part of me has been infatuated with the rebelliousness of being a girl who sleeps around. But there was another part of me that thought, Lets be realtheres probably something wrong with me. Its hard to escape this gloomy self-diagnosis when everyone close to youfrom your parents, to your church, to your friends and boyfriends and even the characters in your favorite moviesis constantly telling you that if youre a girl who has a lot of sex, it means that youre unequivocally fucked up.

In terms of sexual freedom, weve come a long way in recent years. (Hello, you can say pussy on TV now.) But there continue to be lots of mixed messages floating around. The double standard is finally beginning to fade, but were still a culture with a slut-shaming problem, often made worse (or at least more public) by social media. Casual sex has become a casual part of the cultural conversationwomen stalk prey on dating apps just like men doand yet its still taboo to be a woman who has multiple partners. While many women today are vocally antislutshaming, very few women are openly slutty. Basically, society is experiencing growing pains when it comes to female sexual autonomy. To be a slut or not to be a slut? That is the modern feminist question.