Aastha Atray Banan - The L-word

For all the listeners of Love Aaj Kal,
and Ankit, without whom these conversations would have never happened.

Contents

E ver since I started my podcast on love, Love Aaj Kal, I have realized two things: Love is a universal emotion; and two, also a universal problem. Young people, and older, are all wondering about how we find love, how we hang on to it, and how do we get by without it. And somehow, even when we truly know the dos and donts (as I truly believe we are born with innate good sense and judgement), its always good when someone spells it out for us. For example, I have learned a lot from the bestselling book, The Secret, and I often remind myself of the teachings in the book: believe and you shall receive. The same way, I feel that when a relative stranger (aka me, in this case) tells you some hard truths about love, you nod your head and say, Yes, this makes sense. Maybe you wont follow the advice entirely, but just maybe, you will remember it here and there, and maybe make wiser choices. Or at least choices that hurt you less.

Love is to be enjoyed, and love is meant to be healthy, and love is meant to make you more YOU. Especially in 2021, we have realized that when life is so transient, do we have time to waste on bad love? No; a firm NO!!!

So, read on, and as I talk about all the common questions and dilemmas about it, maybe you will relate to it, and maybe you will find some solace, and some direction. Maybe, you will just store away the information for later use.

Whatever it may be, what I do hope you take away from it is that love is meant for all of us all we have to do is keep our hearts, minds and souls open to it. And of course, make an effort.

Best of luck and may the love be with you

Lots of love,

Aastha

Dating has become a sport and not about finding the person you love.

RASHIDA JONES

(As Harshad Mehta said in Scam 1992 , risk main hi ishq hai)

W hen I was twenty-one, the dating pool consisted of school friends, later college friends, then brothers of friends, friends of friends, and finally, when you finally started working, other interns who were slogging it out just like you. If you were fast or promiscuous as it was called in those days you had a fling or two with your thirty+ boss. Dont roll your eyes. It was 2002 and at that age even the obviously unhappy, dysfunctional, dealing-with-his-own-demons older man looked exciting and sexy.

But I am digressing. The year 2021 is a very different place to be if you are dating, trying to fall in love, or find someone who will be with you for the rest of your life; even till the end of the year might work. In the last few years, the game of love has changed ever since dating apps came trotting into town. Its now all at your fingertips, and lets face it, it is all about that hot picture, convenience of location, or the witty answer to some inane question like, dating me is like or I am weirdly attracted to

Its only much later in life do you understand that compatibility is never about easy questions like this. But before we get that far, lets talk about the mad, toxic, exciting, sexy, insecure world of dating apps.

Let me give you an example. I am sitting with my two best friends from work and we are talking about their experiences on Tinder. These are an accumulation of the many, many experiences I have heard in the past few years.

Take this: Girl swipes on boy. They indulge in some instant banter. Move to WhatsApp. Decide to meet. Great date. Sleep together on the first date. He even cuddles! (Oh, how perfect of him). He spills his guts and tells girl about the fact that he is in therapy. Girl is overwhelmed with emotion he must like me, she thinks. Boy texts two days later his therapist has asked him not to sleep with the girl anymore and to end it, as he may like her too much! He is not ready for this mentally. Girl is angry. Boy feels bad, and visits her, and then sleeps with her again. But sorry, therapists orders. And so, he is gone. This time, forever.

When my friends and I sat down to talk about this guy, my first question was why he slept with her in the first place, since his therapist wanted him to focus on his life. Moreover, why was he even on a dating apps?

Good sense and experience made me believe he was lying to get out of subsequent dates. But maybe, he also wanted to not look like a bad guy. He couldnt break up thinking my friend would believe he was a fuck boy. Instead, he wanted to vanish. What he did offer as an explanation was this: He couldnt keep away from my friend even though he was in therapy, and after he realised she was getting serious, and conveyed that to his therapist she told him to cool off before the girl got even more involved. That comes across as brutal, but maybe its good it ended earlier than later.

Lets take another example:

Boy meets girl. Girl is hot. Girl and boy hook up. Best sex ever. But chemistry fizzles out. Girl and boy break up. Girl says she is totally fine with it. But girl now starts talking to boys exes. And friends. And family. She is now best friends with everyone he knows. Boy doesnt know. One day, boy comes home, and finds the girl at the reception she just came by to say Hi!

Yes, sounds like your classic Hollywood stalker movie, but this is real life.

Heres another example, and this is one of many DMs I received on Instagram. An eighteen-year-old met a guy on a dating app. They talk morning, night, and all the hours in between. He sends her a good morning text, and a good night text. As the lockdown lifts, they make plans to meet on Friday amidst much excitement. On Thursday, she texts him to figure where they should have dinner. There is no answer. There is no answer on Friday. There is no answer on Saturday. There is no answer ever.

Every experience is more bizarre than the next. But then, what does one do? Dating apps are the only legitimate place to meet anyone anymore!

I think its clear that even though we dont know why people behave the way they do online; heartbreaks happen all the time. Failed relationships or failed online meet-cutes hurt everyone and perhaps it makes it even more important that we be more responsible. Yes, the anonymity helps, but can we leave people better than we found them? Especially in a world where we anyhow are slammed with everything that promises to break us.

A lot has changed in the dating scene. Its not like in 2003, when I was sitting in Hawaiian Shack, a retro bar in Bombays coolest suburb, Bandra; a time when people sent over drinks. Despite being an obvious overture of desire, it was alright if one didnt kiss them or sleep with them. But yes, you could have a lovely conversation with them. Of course, if you didnt like them, you could always gulp your drink down and tell them you had a curfew time. But then you may get caught at the next bar which was open till 5 a.m. and bump into everybody from the previous bar over there. Ah, the good old days!

But these days, why would anyone risk hurting their ego by asking someone out with a drink at a bar? Isnt it always better being rejected on a platform where no one else can see you wincing and crying?

And so, everyone and their ex is on the apps.

Dating apps seem like a parallel world where singles, and wannabe singles, live in a continuous loop. People meet, insanely optimistic about where this could go, start getting panic attacks at even the first thing that goes wrong, and soon one ghosts the other, and we are back to the drawing board.