Valerie Davis Raskin - Great Sex for Moms: Ten Steps to Nurturing Passion While Raising Kids

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Copyright 2002 by Valerie Davis Raskin
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ISBN-10: 0-7432-4289-0 ISBN-13: 978-0-7432-4289-9

Introduction

Most of us think everyone else has a better sex life.

We may be doctors or patients, stay-at-home moms or utilizers of daycare, firefighters or librarians. Whether weve been married for decades or are single moms, moms for days or for decades, most of us think everyone else is enjoying a more erotic, pleasurable, intimateyou fill in the blanksex life.

If were moms, were convinced of it.

We imagine that our best friend, our sister, the nurse down the block, the lady at the supermarket checkout, and our partners last girlfriend know no woe when it comes to libido.

In the absence of information, we buy into the myths. We believe that most women climax during conventional intercourse.

They dont.

We believe that most married couples make love three times a week.

Not true.

We believe that sex drive should come back when you stop breast-feeding.

It doesnt.

We believe that our partners obsess about our bodies as much as we do.

Thank goodness, they dont.

We believe that sexuality is instinctual, and that if the thrill is gone, it wont come back.

It most certainly can.

Along with our mistaken beliefs about everyone elses sex life, we assume that we are powerless to change our sexual relationship. We are often afraid that the only solutions will involve a sex therapist with a secret treasure chest in the back office, filled with studded black leather collars, French maid costumes, plastic purple things that require batteries, and videos you cant find at Blockbuster.

I hope to change your mind.

You can have a good sex life and raise children. You may believe that youre simply too tired or too busy for sex, but even exhausted moms can have energy tucked away for sex. I will show you how. And if you think youre too shy to improve your sexual relationship, Ill give you a cure for self-consciousness.

How can I help? What makes me someone you should trust? I can tell you this: I never intended to be a doctor who specializes in sex. In fact, Im still hoping my mother doesnt find out. But in the years Ive been practicing psychotherapy, and in the years Ive been a mom, Ive come to understand how easily passion withers, how guilty and alone so many women feel about their sexual indifference, and how quickly emotional disconnection can follow sexual disconnection in a marriage. Ive also learned that ignoring the problemtempting as that isdoesnt make it go away.

As a psychiatrist, I focus on treating women with reproductive-related problems, such as postpartum depression, panic disorder in pregnancy, and PMS (premenstrual syndrome). Considering where babies come from, I have more than my share of patients who recently have had sex, and many more who plan to have, or at least enjoy, sex once the kids leave for college.

I hear my postpartum patients wish theyd never have to have sex again. I hear women feeling guilty, certain their husbands got cheated in the karma lottery when they got stuck with them, instead of all those other women who climax at the mere thought of intercourse. I hear how love and romance fade into the background of carpools, laundry, and bake sales. I hear about how years of Doing It the same way gets old. I hear about kids who barge into the parental bedroom, and kids who drain all energy, sexual and otherwise. I hear about husbands who dont ever help with the housework but expect sex on demand. I hear about the intricacies of sexual life as a single parent. I hear about how teenagers never go to sleep, and how teenagers who cannot hear the alarm clock when its time to get up for school have an uncanny radar for the hushed sounds behind closed doors that just might indicate parental romance.

I also hear about the imagined great sex life of others: the sister who went on a second honeymoon to the Caribbean and claimed she had sex 24-7, the friend who went to New Orleans with her husband for a weekend without the kids and never left the hotel, the neighbor who accidentally on purpose keeps her window open so that everyone knows what a stud her husband is.

But I hear all this only when I ask.

It puzzled me at first that moms would talk about sex only when pressed, even in therapy. Why were moms holding back? The light-bulb went off when a patient told me that I couldnt understand her sexual problem with her husband because my own sex life was, undoubtedly, fantastic. Patients idealization is nothing new to a therapist, but this one seemed especially poignant. A patient who understood that as a fellow mom, I know as well she does the truth behind the Hallmark version of motherhood, simply couldnt imagine that I knew this dark little secret of motherhood, too. She believed that compared to others, her bedroom was uniquely awkward, tense and boring.

While we laugh about men anxiously comparing penis size, it turns out that we women make comparisons, too. Trained since about fifth grade to notice whos prettier, smarter, thinner, or more popular, as adults we women often have deep imagined sexual shortcomings, too. We think our bedroom credentials are so woefully inadequate that were hopeless. By comparison to the in-crowd, we feel deficient.

There is great news here: You arent the only one. Even better news: You can have great sex again, even as a great mom. It isnt one or the other. Indeed, you must address the sexual blahs. Great sex is an important aspect of a happy relationship, and happy parents are the cornerstones of happy families.

Why bother? Why not jump ahead to the solutions? Most important, the proper self-diagnosis almost always makes you feel better about yourself. If you have emotional or sexual issues, its reassuring to know that your problems are commonplace. Its ever so heartening to know that others have overcome similar challenges. What a relief to discover that no one is to blame, that neither you nor your husband belongs to the Hall of Shame. How encouraging it is to know that Personally and Hopelessly Defective is the wrong diagnosis.

Its not your fault. Its not his fault.