Coe Booth - Caprice

For Samantha

some memories are pictures,

flat and still.

some are videos,

little clips of life.

some memories are voices and music.

others are quiet, like holding your breath.

sometimes memories are blank spaces,

fuzzy question marks that punctuate time.

sometimes its only your body that remembers

all the details nobody else knows.

Im supposed to be packing, but I really cant get it together. Sitting on the floor, surrounded by all my clothes and books and stuff, all I can think is: Why does it have to end like this? My seven weeks here went by in something like five seconds, and if it wasnt for what happened last night, everything would have been perfect. But now, its all over.

I need more time.

I shake my head and try to let go of all my feelings. I need to focus. Mom and Dad are gonna be here any minute and I know the first thing Mom is gonna say is, Why arent you packed? When we talked yesterday, I told you to make sure you were ready when we got here.

And Dad will say something like, Saturday traffic is so unpredictable, Caprice. It can be almost as bad as weekdays, especially on Route 17.

Its a little after ten oclock in the morning, and good thing theyre late because I can use the extra time. Its hard to finish packing when I dont really wanna leave.

I fold my T-shirts into perfect little rectangles. Too perfect. But all the folding and perfecting keeps me from thinking about anything else, keeps me from slipping into my feelings.

It keeps me from thinking about last night and how I messed everything up.

All of a sudden Im hit with a wave of heavy sadness again.

You okay? my roommate Terra asks with that cute New Zealand accent Im really gonna miss.

I glance up at her just long enough to see the worry in her eyes. Then I look away. Um, Im sorry I ruined your last night. I didnt mean to

Its not my last night, silly. Ill be back in a week. She sits on the floor next to me.

You know what I mean. I made you leave the party early and

Caprice, I just want you to be alright, she says. I mean, last night I She shakes her head. Im sorry. I didnt know what to do.

You did everything right, I say. Seriously.

The truth is, I still dont know why I fell apart. It was scary. Its still scary. I used to be able to keep all of it inside, but now, I dont know. Maybe I cant anymore.

Do you wanna talk to your parents about it? I mean, maybe they

No way! The words tumble out of my mouth. Can we just act like everythings normal?

No problem. She gives me a weak half smile. Nothing happened.

I breathe out and smile back. Thanks.

I lean over and give Terra a hug. All I have to do is try to let all those feelings go. My parents will be here any minute.

When I talked to Mom yesterday, she got another call in the middle of our conversation. It was someone calling from Baltimore, so she had to go. Probably something about Grandma.

After we hung up, I dont know. It was hard to get in the mood for the party. Like, I hadnt heard Mom mention Grandma in forever, and now, outta nowhere, she was getting a phone call about her. It kinda made me wonder what was going on, if Grandma was okay.

I still dont know. But I try to push that out of my mind, too.

I stand up and look around the room one last time. Terras side is lavender and gray and overloaded with books. My side looks like I was never here.

Its gonna be harder leaving Ainsley International School than I ever thought it would be. Its hard to explain, but I feel it. This seven-week Summer Leadership Program, and just being here, has changed me. On the outside, I know Im still me, the same girl from Newark I was when I got here. But inside, I can feel it. Im different.

I grab my phone off the desk and text Mom.

No answer.

I wish you could stay, Terra says quietly. Like, for good.

Me too.

She gets up from the floor and moves over to her bed. Youre the best roommate Ive had, and Ive been here since fifth grade.

All I can do is smile.

Did you see Ms. Adams dancing last night? Terra asks, laughing. What was that?

I laugh with her. Maybe thats the way they danced back in the eighties or something.

Or like the seventies!

Shes not that old, I say. Shes just kinda stiff.

We burst out laughing even louder. I need this. I need to remember the fun things about the party.

Finally, I get a text back from Mom.

I suck in my breath. Dr. Suzanne wants to meet with my parents, I tell Terra. Do you think she knows what happened?

No way. Im the only one.

Then what does she wanna talk to them about?

Terra shrugs. Lets wait and find out.

I sit down at my desk and remind myself to breathe. The meeting probably has nothing to do with last night. Im just being paranoid.

A minute later I get another text, this time from Nicole.

Its only her sixth or seventh text of the morning, which is pretty good for her. I dont wanna tell her about Mom and Dads meeting with the head of school, not until I know what its about, so I just text back:

Seven weeks away hasnt been easy. Not for either of us. I miss her so bad, and I know she misses me, too. Since Ive been here, me and her texted all the time, but theres hardly been time for anything else. I hadnt actually heard Nicoles voice since my first week here.

Terra takes her blanket and sheets off her bed. I was hoping our parents would get to meet each other, she says. But my mum only left D.C. about two hours ago.

My parents would like Terras mom. I got to meet her already, my third week at Ainsley. She came up to talk to the Leadership Program about careers in diplomacy, which I didnt even know was a thing. Terras mom is pretty famous in New Zealand. She won two gold medals in the Olympics for diving before Terra was born. The way she described her joball of the traveling, meeting world leaders, trying to keep countries from going to warsounded so cool. Terra said it