Dusti Bowling - Aven Green Baking Machine

Expert Baker Requirements

There are a whole lot of cupcakes, cookies, Rice Krispies Treats, and popcorn balls to make in elementary school. Im only in the third grade, but Ive already become an expert at making these fine foods. And I dont even bake like any old baker. You see, I dont have arms. Yep, you heard me. No arms here on my torso, which Id like to add is already eight years old.

That means when I crack eggs, I crack them with my feet. And when I measure sugar and flour, I measure them with my feet. And also measuring cups. And when I melt butter, I melt it with my butt cheeks.

Just kidding, of course. I use a microwave like everyone else. Using butt cheeks while baking would be unsanitary. Unsanitary is the opposite of sanitary, which means clean. I always wash my feet before I bake, so theres nothing unsanitary about using my feet to bake, and if you try to say so, we might have to have a little talk about how many times you picked your wedgies today using your fingers. Like I said, butt cheeks are unsanitary. Its super hard to pick my wedgies, so I just leave them right there in my butt all day long.

Now, you might be wondering what the requirements are to become an expert baker. The most important thing you need is extra taste buds. Ms. Luna, my third-grade teacher, told us that the average person has about ten thousand taste buds, but Im pretty sure I have about ten million. I am what is called a supertaster. A supertaster is someone whose taste is super.

Something else you need to become an expert baker is a really good sense of smell, so you know when cakes smell delicious and when they smell like poop and are probably inedible. Inedible is the opposite of edible, which just means eatable. I dont know why we dont just say eatable instead of edible, but I imagine someone with a very fancy accent once said eatable like that and a new word was created. Like this one time I said the word marshmallow with a very fancy accent like this: moshmeellowah. As far as I know, moshmeellowah has not yet replaced marshmallow.

Another thing you need to be an expert baker is buns of steel. Dont worry. Ill explain that later.

But you know whats one thing thats definitely not required for being an expert baker? Having arms. Thats what.

As Many Friends as Possible

Ill never forget the first cake I ever baked all on my own with my moms help. It was a perfect carrot cake with cream cheese frosting and no nuts because nuts do not belong in cakes or cookies. Anyway, that was last week. Now Im a pro.

After the carrot cake, I made oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips instead of raisins because raisins taste like sweet mud. Add raisins to the list of foods I will never put into my cookies and cakes. While youre at it, add turnips to the list. Did you know there was such a thing as a turnip cake? I just found out and, people, I am shocked.

The whole reason Ive become such an expert baker is because theres a big baking competition coming up at the county fair next weekend and I really, really want one of those beautiful blue first-place ribbons. Theres also going to be a livestock competition, but since I dont have a cow or sheep or chickens and Im not really sure what a swine even is, I had no choice but to become a professional baker.

In order to win this baking competition, I have decided to enlist the help of my closest friends: Kayla, Emily, and Sujata. I really just became friends with Sujata about a week ago, but you know when you have a special connection with someone. Plus, I like to have as many friends as possible at all times. And the wonderful news is that it was Sunday, so they were all coming to my house for an official bakers meeting. We planned to make one recipe each, which meant four whole baked desserts to test. Our testing would probably also include eating quite a lot of cookie dough and cake batter. But thats okay because it would be official, scientific testing.

Milk Barfi