Dr. Steve Stephens - Lost in Translation: How Men and Women Can Understand Each Other

L OST IN T RANSLATION
P UBLISHED BY M ULTNOMAH B OOKS
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Colorado Springs, Colorado 80921
A division of Random House Inc.

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Details in some anecdotes and stories have been changed to protect the identities of the persons involved.

Copyright 2007 by Dr. Steve Stephens

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

M ULTNOMAH is a trademark of Multnomah Books, and is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. The colophon is a trademark of Multnomah Books.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Stephens, Steve.
Lost in translation : how men and women can understand each other / Steve Stephens.1st ed.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-307-56178-7
1. Man-woman relationshipsReligious aspectsChristianity. 2. Sex roleReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.
BT705.8.S74 2007
248.844dc22

2007015277

v3.1

Other Books by Dr. Steve Stephens

The Worn Out Woman

The Walk Out Woman

The Wounded Woman

The Wounded Warrior

Blueprints for a Solid Marriage

20 Surprisingly Simple Rules and Tools series

for a Great Marriage

for a Great Family

for a Great Day

M en are all alike, Callie seethed.

Thats not fair, her husband, Greg, insisted. Im not like every other man. Im my own person.

But look how you act.

Sure, I act like a guy. Thats because I am a guy. Thats not all bad. You fell in love with me because Im a guy. Why is it all of a sudden a negative?

I guess I didnt realize what I was getting into back then. Callie gave Greg a smile that left him wondering whether she really meant what she had just said.

Well Greg fished for a worthy retort. If youre going to pick on us guys, then I can pick on women just as easily. Like, women dont make any sense. Everything has to do with how they feel. And their feelings are constantly changing. On top of that, they worry about everything. And they cant stop talking. Women drive guys nuts, but at least were polite enough to keep our mouths shut about it.

Polite? Did you say polite? I cant believe what I just heard. Callies face reddened. You dont want to get me going on the subject of men and politeness

Greg and Callie managed to stretch out this little altercation a full two weeks. With breaks for food and sleep.

Every couple fights. Partners disagree, they stand up for what they believe is right, and they do everything they can to prove their points. They fight about finances, sex, relatives, who does what around the house, children, and a hundred other issues that are usually pettier than any of us want to admit. I know all about fights. Tami and I have certainly had our share.

Yet what amazes me, after working with couples for over twenty-five years, is that what we think were fighting about is rarely what were really fighting about. A battle about finances might really be about security. Or interdependence. Or respect. At its heart, a fight about sex probably springs out of issues like love, communication, or connection.

And the biggest real issue of all? Ive come to the conclusion that at least 50 percent of all fights between husbands and wives are, at their roots, about gender differences. Ive also come to another conclusion: if we could understand these differences, then maybe we wouldnt fight as much.

Thats the point of this bookto help you understand your spouse better and learn to appreciate him or her more. My intent is not to stock your bunker with ammo, reinforcing all the ways you think your spouse should change. My purpose is to improve your relationship with your husband or wife. Understanding these differences allows us to be tolerant of our partners.

I frequently hear men and women say things like:

Yet men understand how men think, and women understand how women think. The bottom line is that gender relations are truly a cross-cultural experience. Men and women think, feel, and communicate differently. Sometimes a whole lot differently. We speak different languages.

But does that mean we can never understand each other? NO! Theres hope! We can learn to translate each others language. And when we do, we learn that the opposite sex is a lot less complicated and mysterious than we thought.

Youve been engaged in the age-old battle of the sexes. Its time to call a truce. Talks can begin. Youll need to consciously set aside old offenses and new ones. Because I assure you, honesty about gender differences will offend you. Thats why I can safely predict that this book is bound to tick you off.

Whenever somebody writes about the differences between men and women, the author is guaranteed to step on someones toes. So put on your steel-toed boots (or your steel-toed pumps). Men will think I side too much with womenI, a caring, compassionate psychologist who has listened to the hurts and frustrations of countless women. Women, on the other hand, will insist that I side with men. After all, I am one; what more is there to say? How can I sleep at night? Well, if I frustrate men and women equally, I figure Im doing a good job.

And speaking of frustrations, heres another warning. To write about gender differences, one must write in generalities. Youll see me constantly using words like often, tends, frequently, commonly, usually, may, might, most, and many. This is my way of covering myself, since much of what I say might not be totally true of you. For example, verbal, relational men are going to feel as if Im saying theyre feminine, while competitive, nonemotional women will think Im saying theyre masculine. This is not what Im saying.

The differences are real. And theyre true about men and women in general. But no trait is totally characteristic of all men or all women. We are all individuals; there is no cookie-cutter mold determining what a man or a woman is. Many factors besides genderfactors such as individual genetics, birth order, role models, early childhood experience, learning, and personalityinteract to make each of us incredibly unique.