Dr. Emerson Eggerichs - The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate

THE LANGUAGE of
LOVE &
RESPECT

CRACKING THE COMMUNICATION
CODE WITH YOUR MATE

DR. EMERSON EGGERICHS

Originally published as Cracking the Communication Code, ISBN 978-1-59145-505-9

2007 Emerson Eggerichs

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Emerson Eggerichs is represented by the literary agency of Alive Communications, Inc., 7680 Goddard Street, Suite 200, Colorado Springs, CO 80920. www.alivecom.com.

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail SpecialMarkets@ThomasNelson.com.

From the author: The names of most people have been changed to protect the privacy of these individuals.

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are taken from the New American Standard Bible (NASB). 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Other Scripture quotations are taken from the following sources: The Contemporary English Version (CEV). 1995 by American Bible Society. Used by permission. The Holy Bible, English Standard Version (ESV). 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Gods Word (GW). 1995 by Gods Word to the Nations Bible Society. All rights reserved. The King James Version of the Bible (KJV). Public domain. The Message (MSG) by Eugene H. Peterson. 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved. New American Standard Bible (NASB 1977). 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The New Century Version (NCV). 1987, 1988, 1991 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The New King James Version (NKJV). 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The New International Readers Version (NIRV). 1996, 1998 by International Bible Society. All rights reserved throughout the world. Used by permission of International Bible Society. The Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. The Holy Bible, New Living Translation (NLT). 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Cover Design by: Tim Green / The DesignWorks Group / www.thedesignworksgroup.com Interior Design by: PerfecType, Nashville, TN

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Eggerichs, Emerson.
Cracking the communication code : the secret to speaking your mates language / Emerson Eggerichs.
p. cm.
Summary: Shows couples how to speak to each other and give mutual understanding to build a successful marriageProvided by publisher.
ISBN: 978-1-59145-505-9 (hardcover)
ISBN: 978-1-59145-579-0 (IE)
ISBN: 978-0-8499-4807-7 (Repackaged and Refitted)
1. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. 2. Communication in marriage. I. Title.
BV835.E365 2007
248.8'44dc22

2006033659

Printed in the United States of America
09 10 11 12 13 RRD 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

I dedicate this book, The Language of Love & Respect, to my son Jonathan and daughter-in-law Sarah, and to my son David and daughter Joy. May this message not only affect you personally but may you tell others of this glorious secret hidden in plain sight for 2000 years! Thank you for believing in what mom and I are seeking to say and do.

CONTENTS

PART V
The Rewarded Cycle:
The Unconditional Dimension of Communication

Appendix A
How to Get Off a Chronic Crazy Cycle Caused by Low-Grade Resentment

Appendix B
ForgivingBut Also Confrontingthe Three As: Adultery, Abuse, Addiction

Appendix C
How to Write a Love Note or Make a Good I Love You Speech to Your Wife

Appendix D
Using Feedback to Clarify Your Conversations

Appendix E
Unconditional Love and Respect Do Not Operate on a Scale of 110

Appendix F
My Prayer in This Time of Trial

I thank those who responded to my request, How has Love and Respect affected your communication in marriage? The answers were real and riveting.

I thank all those at Integrity Publishers and Thomas Nelson for their vision to take this Love and Respect message to the nations.

I thank Joann Blunt, Joanne Tims and Ann Starke (my wonderful sister) for their continued support and input during the writing of this book.

I thank Fritz Ridenour, writer and editor of Christian books for over four decades, for serving this message with intensity, industry, insight and intercession.

I thank my godly, wise wife, Sarah, for her prayers, counsel, affirmation, support, patience and respect over the ten months of working night and day on this book.

I thank God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit for revealing to the Church the simple but profound truth: husbands must love and wives must respect.

When I wrote the book Love & Respect, I was both humbled and astounded at the overwhelming response from couples all over the world. As thousands of e-mails poured in, I rejoiced in the testimonies of husbands and wives who were applying Gods wisdom in Ephesians 5:33, which simply says, Each one of you also must love his wife... and the wife must respect her husband (NIV).

However, I noticed something. While many ably applied the biblical principles of Love & Respect to their lives, others struggled. They most often struggled in the area of communication. I heard a repeated appeal.

Because the language of respect is foreign to many women, almost daily a wife would reach out to me for a deeper understanding in how to communicate respect in meaningful ways to her husband. Though an expert at offering words of love, she found the language of respect difficult to grasp, especially when she believed her husband was undeserving of respect and clueless about love!

Because the description of a mans need for respect was so refreshing, repeatedly a husband would e-mail me expressing that he finally felt understood. What I said about respect accurately described his deep-felt need. But his enthusiasm was often short-lived when he attempted to share with his wife what words and actions felt disrespectful. Instead of appreciating his attempt to communicate from his soul, she accused him of being unloving and reacted with more disrespect! Conflict escalated!

This difficulty to communicate between men and women is what I refer to as Blue vs. Pink. Forgive the stereotype, but it captures in a picturesque manner the wonder of male and female! Neither is wrong for their communication style, just different.

Heres the good news: God intends to use these pink and blue differences in order for us to see His purple perspective. The Bible says that God made us male and female in His image (Genesis 1:27). In other words, as a husband and wife we reflect the image of God. By way of analogy, when blending pink and blue we obtain purple, the color of royaltythe color of God! God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When a wife learns to speak respectfully (blue vocabulary words) about her need for love, and a husband learns to speak lovingly (pink vocabulary words) about his need for respect, they reflect the Jesus Way of Talking (purple) and experience communication as God intended in marriage.