Dr. Emerson Eggerichs - Cracking the communication code: the secret to speaking your mates language: love for her, respect for him

2007 Emerson Eggerichs

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Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Attorneys and Literary Agents, Orange, CA

From the author: The names of most people have been changed to protect the privacy of these individuals.

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are taken from the New American Standard Bible (NASB). Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Other Scripture quotations are taken from the following sources: The Contemporary English Version (CEV). 1995 by American Bible Society. Used by permission. The Holy Bible, English Standard Version (ESV). 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Gods Word (GW). 1995 by Gods Word to the Nations Bible Society. All rights reserved. The King James Version of the Bible (KJV). Public domain. The Message (MSG) by Eugene H. Peterson. 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of Nav-Press Publishing Group. All rights reserved. New American Standard Bible (NASB 1977). 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The New Century Version (NCV). 1987, 1988, 1991 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The New King James Version (NKJV). 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The New International Readers Version (NIRV). 1996, 1998 by International Bible Society. All rights reserved throughout the world. Used by permission of International Bible Society. The Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. The Holy Bible, New Living Translation (NLT). 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Cover Design by: Tim Green / The DesignWorks Group / www.thedesignworksgroup.com
Interior Design by: PerfecType, Nashville, TN

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Eggerichs, Emerson.
Cracking the communication code : the secret to speaking your mates language / Emerson
Eggerichs.
p. cm.
Summary: Shows couples how to speak to each other and give mutual understanding to build
a successful marriageProvided by publisher.
ISBN-13: 978-1-59145-505-9 (hardcover)
ISBN-13: 978-1-59145-579-0 (IE)

1. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. 2. Communication in marriage. I. Title.
BV835.E365 2007
248.8'44dc22

2006033659

Printed in the United States of America
07 08 09 10 11 RRD 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

I dedicate this book, Cracking the Communication Code, to my son Jonathan and daughter-in-law Sarah, and to my son David and daughter Joy. May this message not only affect you personally but may you tell others of this glorious secret hidden in plain sight for 2000 years! Thank you for believing in what mom and I are seeking to say and do.

CONTENTS

4.Can You Trust Your Spouses Goodwill? (Can Your Spouse
Trust Yours?)

The Crazy Cycle:
A Relentless Enemy of Marital Communication

7.Forgiveness: The Ultimate Strategy for Halting the
Crazy Cycle

The Energizing Cycle:
To Better Communicate, Meet Your Spouses Needs

The Rewarded Cycle:
The Unconditional Dimension of Communication

13. Why the Rewarded Cycle Is for Every MarriageHot, Cold,
or Lukewarm

14. The Jesus Way of TalkingPart I
Communicating with Love and Respect

15. The Jesus Way of TalkingPart II
To Love and Respect, Use Truthful, Uplifting, and
Forgiving Words

16. The Jesus Way of TalkingPart III
To Love or Respect: Be Thankful, Scriptural-and Faithful

Appendix A
How to Get Off a Chronic Crazy Cycle Caused by Low-Grade
Resentment

Appendix B
ForgivingBut Also Confrontingthe Three As:
Adultery, Abuse, Addiction

Appendix C
How to Write a Love Note or Make a Good I Love You Speech
to Your Wife

Appendix D
Using Feedback to Clarify Your Conversations

Appendix E
Unconditional Love and Respect Do Not Operate on a
Scale of 110

Appendix F
My Prayer in This Time of Trial

I thank those who responded to my request, How has Love and Respect affected your communication in marriage? The answers were real and riveting.

I thank all those at Integrity Publishers and Thomas Nelson for their vision to take this Love and Respect message to the nations.

I thank Joann Blunt, Joanne Tims and Ann Starke (my wonderful sister) for their continued support and input during the writing of this book.

I thank Fritz Ridenour, writer and editor of Christian books for over four decades, for serving this message with intensity, industry, insight and intercession.

I thank my godly, wise wife, Sarah, for her prayers, counsel, affirmation, support, patience and respect over the ten months of working night and day on this book.

I thank God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit for revealing to the Church the simple but profound truth: husbands must love and wives must respect.

TO GET THE MOST
FROM THIS BOOK

Whenever I share the Love and Respect message, I am concerned about how husbands and wives might best use its truths in their marriage. This is especially true when Im applying Love and Respect principles to a topic like communication. So here are some tips.

First, read to understand how to respond to your spouses negative behavior. Dont read to find apt descriptions of what your spouse says or does and then put your spouse on a guilt trip by saying, See? This is you. This is what you do! As you go through Cracking the Communication Code, it may be quite easy to find examples of mistakes your spouse is making, but dont use what you find to attack your spouse. Instead, use what God reveals to you to learn how to respond to your spouse with unconditional Love or Respect.

Second, read to understand your spouse. Learn why your spouse reacts to you the way he or she does. The goal is to have empathy for your spouse so you can respond in a loving or respectful manner.

Third, read to understand yourself, but be careful. Dont seek points that help you understand why you are saying and doing certain things and then use what you learn to justify your own behavior. Also, dont seek to understand yourself so you can blame your spouse by saying, See? You make me act this way. Its really all your fault! Your goal is to gain greater self-understanding so you can respond to your spouse more lovingly or respectfully.

Fourth, read to help your spouse understand you, but be cautious here aswell. A lot of spouses want to make this goal the first one instead of the last. If you start out by wanting to be understood instead of trying to understand your spouse, you are approaching the entire topic of communication in marriage in a very self-centered way. Self-centeredness does not lead to mutual understanding. So be sure you have tried to understand your spouse as well as yourself. Tell your spouse you are trying to make changes and THEN appeal to your spouse to understand you.