Farrel - The Secret Language of Successful Couples

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE, OREGON

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Verses marked NASB are from the New American Standard Bible, 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

Published in association with the literary agency of Alive Communications, Inc., 7680 Goddard Street, Ste #200, Colorado Springs, CO 80920. www.alivecommunications.com.

Cover design by Left Coast Design, Portland, Oregon.

This book contains stories in which the author has changed peoples names and some details of their situations in order to protect their privacy.

Formerly titled The Marriage Code

THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF SUCCESSFUL COUPLES

Copyright 2009 by Bill and Pam Farrel

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97402

www.harvesthousepublishers.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Farrel, Bill, 1959-

[Marriage code]

The secret language of successful couples / Bill and Pam Farrel.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-0-7369-5587-4 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-7369-5588-1 (eBook)

1. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. 2. Interpersonal communicationReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Farrel, Pam, 1959- II. Title.

BV835.F37 2013

248.8'44dc23

2013015294

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Contents

To Bret and Erin

Happy 25th!

Your love is inspiring!

To our friends, family, and supportive staff,

Your love is essential!

To our editorial team and publisher,

Your love is encouraging!

To our readers,

Your love is a light!

W e checked into the hotel and were pleased to see that the room included free wireless Internet. When we got to the room, we discovered that we needed a username and password to get to the free wireless connection.

Hello, this is Bill in 213. Can I get the username and password for the Internet?

Shuh [sure], sir. It very simple, the desk clerk said.

I pulled out a piece of paper and got my pen ready. Okay, what is the username?

It is barebe, the man said.

Barebe? Can you spell that?

Shuh, it is simple. Capitow Beeeeerrieebeeee.

Was that Beriebe? I asked.

Oh, no. That not it. It is capitow beeeeerrieebeeee.

His voice was slower and louder this time, but it sounded like the same letters.

So it is Beriebe?

Oh, no. I am sorry. Lets try again.

Lets try the password and then come back to the username, I said, hoping I could train myself to decipher his language. So, what is the password?

Okay. The password. That is easy. The password is freerarreyfree.

Can you spell that for me?

Shuh, that is easy. Freearraaerrerreeyfree.

Ill be right down, I said.

I made my way down to the front desk. The man working the counter was very helpful, even though we were having trouble communicating. He wrote down the information for me so I could finally log in and get to the information I needed:

Username: Believe

Password: 3ralley3

What Did You Say?

Has it ever felt the same way in your marriage? You long for emotional, relational, spiritual, and physical connection. You had hoped it would feel as simple as it did when you first started dating or when you were on your honeymoon. Instead of being able to read your mates thoughts, feelings, and moods, you keep running into an error when you try to log in to his or her heart. In place of a heart-to-heart connection, you get a message that reads: Task mail.understandingyourmate.comsending reported error (UrOutUvLuk): The operation timed out trying to decipher a message from the sending (MATE) server. If you continue to receive this message, install your secret language and resend the message.

Codes Are All Around Us

It is possible to have a marriage that is smooth and satisfying, but you have to know and use the secret language or access code that keeps the connection to your spouse alive and well. Codes are all around us. We have access codes for gates and bank accounts. We have passwords for personal computers, professional workstations, and interactive websites. We have remote controls for our cars, televisions, and home theatre systems. And we are captivated with entertainment that depicts investigators who seek to decode the mysteries of life. We have actually found a way to make the tedious work of forensics, crime-scene investigation, and the diagnosing of illnesses seem like a fun, recreational activity.

We gain directions from Global Positioning Systems, we see bar codes on everything we buy, and we have become comfortable with credit cards that contain vital information on magnetic strips. The military uses codes to keep our nation safe. Businesses use codes to track clients, forecast buying patterns, and safeguard professional intelligence.

Secret languages come in all shapes and sizes and can be very useful in helping us gain confidence and information.

You Have a Code

So, what is the secret language of successful couples? It is a combination of usernames and passwords that grant you access to the best parts of your relationship. When these codes are in place, your relationship appears to be relatively easy. The way you interact, love, argue, and make decisions is satisfying for you as a couple. When the code is missing, all the systems of your relationship are awkward. You fail in your attempts to connect emotionally, your love for each other is elusive, and you seem to disagree on just about everything.

The following are important truths you need to know about your secret language:

It is obvious when the code is in place because your relationship works well.

It is just as obvious when the code is not in place because almost everything is out of sync.

Entering your access code into your relationship is a daily exercise.

The marriage code is based on the most common needs that men and women have.

You may be asking, Why do we need a code to figure each other out? Cant it just be simple? Cant we discover a rhythm for our relationship and stay in that rhythm? We hate to have to say to you that it is just not that simplistic. You are very different from one another, and you have different needs at the core of who you are. These needs shape the way you approach life and the way you interact in relationships.

So, just what are these core needs? Every person has the need to be secure and to be successful. Security is the belief that it is safe to be who I am. Somewhere along the path of your life, you come to the realization that you have only so much control over your life. You have been given a personality that determines your preferences and motivations. You have been created either male or female with all the hormonal, emotional, and social challenges that go along with your gender. You have a certain level of intellectual prowess and talents that you can apply to your life. Finally, you have a body that is remarkable in its abilities but vulnerable to your environment. As a result, you must devote energy in your life to developing and maintaining a secure environment for yourself and your loved ones.