Dr. Steve Stephens - The Wounded Woman: Hope and Healing for Those Who Hurt

To all the wounded women
who refused to give up

THE WOUNDED WOMAN
published by Multnomah Books

2006 by Dr. Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt

Interior design by Katherine Lloyd, The DESK

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from:
The Holy Bible, New International Version 1973, 1984 by International
Bible Society, used by permission
of Zondervan Publishing House

Other Scripture quotations are from:
Holy Bible, New Living Translation ( NLT ) 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved.
New American Standard Bible ( NASB ) 1960, 1977, 1995
by the Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
The New Testament in Modern English, Revised Edition (Phillips)
1958, 1960, 1972 by J. B. Phillips
The Living Bible ( TLB ) 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale
House Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved.
The Holy Bible, New King James Version ( NKJV ) 1984 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
The Message 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002
Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group
The Amplified Bible ( AMP ) 1965, 1987 by Zondervan Publishing House.
The Amplified New Testament 1958, 1987 by the Lockman Foundation.

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House Inc., New York.

M ULTNOMAH and its mountain colophon are registered trademarks of Random House Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwisewithout prior written permission.

For information:
MULTNOMAH BOOKS
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Colorado Springs, CO 80921

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Stephens, Steve.
The wounded woman / Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
eISBN: 978-0-307-56301-9
1. Christian womenReligious life. 2. SufferingReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Vredevelt, Pam W., 1955- II. Title.
BV4527.S734 2006
248.843dc22

2005025587

v3.1

A special thank-you to

Our friends Kathy Boland, Janice Eacker, Lynn Ketch, Emily Main, Barb Majors, Joy Marsh, Cari Montgomery, Kate Smith, and Marty Williams. The insights you gave after reading an early manuscript gave this book its heart and soul.

Our incredible editor, Larry Libby. You filled in the gaps and worked your magic.

Our wonderful life partners, Tami Stephens and John Vredevelt. Your support, patience, and encouragement made this book possible.

[Steve]

Flowers grow out of dark moments.

C ORITA K ENT

j enny wouldnt look at me.

She wouldnt look at anyone.

The attractive twenty-nine-year-old stared at the floor as her eyes filled with tears and her chin quivered. Curled up in the large overstuffed chair in my office, she clutched a small decorative pillow to her heart. Between sniffles she slowly told her story.

The nights were always the scariest. Thats when Daddy drank and went crazy. I never knew whether I should run away or just hide. I pulled the covers over my head and plugged my ears to drown out the yelling and cursing. I never knew what he would do once the drinking began. I was scared that he would kill Momma or meor maybe both of us.

For the next forty-five minutes I listened to a wounded heart spill out a story of fear and confusion, anger and guilt, sadness and hopelessness. I heard how she struggled to keep her head above the pain and how she kept being pulled beneath its surface. How she felt she was drowning and going to die. It was as if something beyond her control kept pulling her down into a dark abyss. Every once in a while she broke free, struggling to the surface, fighting for a glimpse of light and a gasp of air. But then, without warning, she found herself jerked back down into the darkness of mental anguish.

Suddenly the room was quiet.

Jenny looked up from the floor, staring at me in disbelief as I wiped a tear from my cheek. Id been caught. I wiped away another tear and said, It must be hard.

Her reply was barely discernable. Thank you.

Excuse me, I said. What did you say?

Nobody has ever shed a tear for me.

The ghost of a smile touched her features, and she whispered again, Thank you.

Sometimes its impossible to maintain a detached professional objectivity when I hear people share their stories. I may feel anger over the injustices theyve experienced or a sense of heavy grief over all theyve suffered. There are even times when I wonder, Oh God, why did You allow this to happen to this woman?

We all have wounds. Some deep, some superficial. Some recent, others long ago. Some hidden, some blatantly obvious.

Wounds come in myriad shapes and sizes, but they have one thing in common.

Pain.

We all deal with pain differently. Some linger too long in itabsorbed, anxious, or angry. Others try to ignore itlooking for distractions from their feelings. Still others get stuckconfused and overwhelmed by surging emotions.

As we deal with wounds, the accompanying pain, and the soul-deep scars they leave behind, we want to warn you of seven misbeliefs that will make your journey to health more difficult. These beliefs bring more pain and lead to a longer journey:

1. Im not wounded. (Denial)

2. I shouldnt talk about my wounds. (Shame)

3. My wounds reduce who I am and what I can accomplish. (Identity)

4. God did this to me. (Blame)

5. I wont seek help. (Pride)

6. Others cant help me. (Hopelessness)

7. If God cared about me, He wouldnt have let this happen. (Abandonment)

These beliefs are not healthyand can give your wounds more power than they deserve. Wounds need not weaken or destroy you. On the contrary, they can be a life-realigning point of strength, for they force us to the inexhaustible Source of all strength. Remember what the apostle Paul says: God can do anything far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams (Ephesians 3:20, The Message).

We cannot change the past. What has occurredwith all its hurt, injustice, cruelty, disappointment, and tragedyhas slipped into history, beyond our control. Even so, we can change how we view the painful realities that have touched our life and what we say to ourselves about those realities.

Difficult as it may be to accept at this present moment, you may have more control over your present situation than you think. The prophet Jeremiah fills out the picture a little more when he writes, For I know the plans I have for you, says the L ORD . They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11, NLT ).

There is great hope for every wounded woman. God heals. Pain need not last forever. Any woman, regardless of the type, severity, or impact of her wound, can have a full, peacefuleven joyfullife.

God has gentle hands. He can comfort and heal you. He can use your wounds to usher you into more meaningful and abundant days than you ever imagined possible. Jesus said, I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly (John 10:10, NASB ). Your life might not be easy, problem free, or painless (whose is?), but it can be abundant.