James D. Barron - She Wants a Ring—and I Dont Wanna Change a Thing: How a Man Can Overcome His Fears of Commitment and Marriage

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I loved this book! It is what every woman should understand about her potential husband so she can help him over the obstacles of getting married. Barron gives simple, realistic solutions to what previously seemed like insurmountable hurdles.

Nita Tucker, author of How Not to Stay Single

What a relief to read a wise book that is also witty, daring, and playful. James Barron has lived the problemand solved itnot just for himself but for a lot of guys. Barron travels the male psycheheretofore the rockiest of roadsand makes the journey fun and easy.

Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author
of Everything You Know About Love
and Sex Is Wrong and American Couples

Also by
James Douglas Barron

Shes Having a Babyand
Im Having a Breakdown

Shes Had a Babyand
Im Having a Meltdown

SHE WANTS A RINGAND I DONT WANNA CHANGE A THING . Copyright 2001 by James Douglas Barron. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Barron, James Douglas.

She wants a ringand I dont wanna change a thing: how a man can overcome his fears of commitment and marriage / James Douglas Barron.1st ed.

p. cm.

ISBN 0-688-17950-9 (alk. paper)

EPub Edition JANUARY 2013 ISBN: 9780062273819

1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Commitment (Psychology). 3. MenPsychology. I. Title: How a man can overcome his fears of commitment and marriage. II. Title.

HQ801 .B33 2001

01 02 03 04 05 / RRD 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

For Jeannette, Isabelle, and Benjamin

I ALWAYS IMAGINED IT WOULD BE EASY. I would take one glance at a woman and know she was The One. Wed go on hot dates that would lead to sizzling nights. Id totally lose interest in other women (no twitch of a skirt or bob of a breast would capture my gaze). I would be whacked out in love, floating upside down and sideways until one day, months later, under twinkling stars, Id murmur, Will you marry me? Shed throw her arms around me and yelp, Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Wed tell our parents, and theyd be elated. Then, completely composed, wed plan a small wedding under a big tree, where wed dance and frolic, and well-behaved friends and relatives would nod and whisper, Perfect.

Well, it wasnt quite like that.

Amazingly, the first part of my fairy-tale vision came true. I met my bride-to-be in a New York City elevator not far from one of the busiest intersections in the world, Fifty-Seventh Street and Fifth Avenue. With my heart pounding, I said hello, and she smiled back. We flirted shamelessly for an hour, I was exalted and got back to work late, we started dating, fell wildly in love, and within a few weeks were talking about what color eyes our babies would have.

There was just one minor detail: Like millions of men before me, I couldnt get over the Is She The One? Problem, the Forever? Problem, the No Other Women for the Rest of My Life? Problem, the How Do We Know Well Love Each Other When Were Shriveled Up Old Raisins? Problem. She could see the future; I couldnt.

Suddenly, everyone said I had a commitment problem. I heard lots of advice. From her mother: If youre not serious, let her go. From my best friend: Shit or get off the pot! From her aunt: One day, shell run away with another man, and youll know what a fool you were. From her gay friend: Id marry her if I werent gay! From every woman on planet Earth: Just like a man: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? I felt like a stunt man gunning my motorcycles engine at the edge of the Grand Canyon with everybody yelling, Come on! You can make it! Its a leap of faith! But I was frozen.

Over the course of four years, we broke up and got back together dozens of timesall over Our Future. When we werent talking about a wedding ring, our love was off the charts. But when we did talk about getting married, it shattered. I was in a holding pattern. Whenever I thought about marriage, it was like double-clicking on one side of my brain and opening the independence program, then double-clicking on the other side and getting the same thing! I wanted adventure, and she kept trying to insert marriage/commitment software, and my brain kept rejecting it: Cannot read disk.

I needed help, but there was none. My father couldnt comprehend my predicament because hed proposed to my mother three weeks after he met her and got married seven weeks later. My buddies were worthless because none could sustain a relationship with a woman for more than a few weeks. And my married friends all offered the same ambiguous advice: You just know. Great! Thanks for the help! I went to a bookstore and told a saleswoman that I hoped to find a book for a friend with a major commitment problem. She nodded sympathetically (and muttered under her breath something about her boyfriend). Then she showed me a bunch of psychobabbly commitment books, glossy wedding books, and analytical marriage books. I sidestepped out of the store and nearly broke into a run.

What I needed back then was a book written by a guy for another guy, a lighthearted book with solid tips on how to get through my problem. I wanted advice from a man who had not only conquered his commitment fears but had maintained a sense of adventure in his life and marriagea book from a man whod made it to the other side. There was no such book.

I took some hard knocks trying to figure out commitment. After busting through every commitment fear known to mankind, I found peace. One day, after my girlfriend and I had been dating for four years, we were lying in a mud bath at a California spa, and I felt a curious click. I thought,