Elissa Stein - Dont Just Stand There: How to Be Helpful, Clued-In, Supportive, Engaged & Relevant in the Delivery Room

For Nomi, Sara, and Adam

Text copyright 2007 by Elissa Stein and Jon Lichtenstein.
Illustrations copyright 2007 by Beegee Tolpa.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced
in any form without written permission from the publisher.

ISBN: 978-1-4521-3383-6

Library of Congress has previously cataloged this title under
ISBN: 978-0-8118-5569-3

Design by Danielle Foushe

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Nothing can truly prepare you for childbirth.

I find myself saying these words over and over again to expectant mothers and their partners in their last weeks of pregnancy. Its a time filled with tremendous anticipation and joyand fear, as well. I tell expectant parents to read as much as they can; to talk to their mothers, sisters, and friends; and to do everything they can think of to prepare themselves. I firmly believe that when youre as prepared as you can be, the birthing experience will be much more positive for everyone.

To that end, Dont Just Stand There offers precise, practical tips that make a big difference in the delivery room. Rarely is the subject addressed, but labor can be very hard on the birthing partner. You may feel powerless, scared, and worried about the mom-to-be. This wonderful and informative book outlines everything you need to know to be helpful and understand whats happening as labor unfolds.

Dont Just Stand There will make you think about, prepare for, laugh at, and embrace whats about to happen. Its sure to help you and your partner get through the crazy process that we call labor.

• Dr. Suzanne LaJoie, MD, Downtown Women Ob-Gyn Associates, LLP, New York, NY

As you and your partner know by now, pregnancy is a time of rapid change. Along with her changing body come rapidly changing thoughts and emotions. A mom-to-be can hardly keep track of all these changeslet alone you, the future dad. When labor starts, changes happen even faster, and theyre even more momentous: labor brings about not only the birth of the baby but also the birth of a new mother and father.

For many couples, playing an active, integral role in the birth experience is exactly the start to parenthood they are seeking. For others, just getting through labor as smoothly as possible is enough of a goal. Regardless of which perspective you have, this book offers, in a practical and playful format, great tips to help you through your childbirth experience. Dont Just Stand There will make you laugh, while giving you essential information.

Most important, amid all the wonderful tips and explanations offered here, youll learn that the one thing your partner really needs while she is going through this life-changing experience is you. Not a single trick of the trade will help as much as knowing that you are there with her, 100 percent of the way. Just be present with her. Let her know that she is not alone and you love her. While everything is changing and the challenges seem to be neverending, she will be comforted knowing you are by her side, loving her and willing to help.

In your inevitable moments of change and confusion, I hope this book and referring to it through your experience will provide the supportive companion that you need.

• Jessica Kramer, Doula & LMT, Los Angeles, CA

Childbirth is a free-for-all. No matter how much you and your partner plan, you can never truly be prepared for an event so unpredictable, unscheduled, and, quite frankly, uncomfortable. Even if you take the birthing classes, practice breathing techniques, and listen to your partner talk endlessly about books shes read telling her what to expect, when you are woken up at three in the morning or get that phone call pulling you out of a meeting, everything goes out the window. Youre about to go through a life-changing experience, and youre likely to forget everything youve learned along the way.

Shes going to be stressed and a little bit on edge. Someones got to step up and ease the strain a bit. And that someone is you. Believe it or not, theres plenty that you can do to help the mom-to-be relax, or at least to be more comfortable in a very uncomfortable situation.

Thats why this book came into being. After my first birth experience, which was confusing, chaotic, and completely unlike anything we had prepared for, I was determined to do as much as I could to have a better experience the second time around. We found a remarkable doula (a woman who provides support during labor) who made us both more comfortable and, believe it or not, actually helped us find humor and ease in the delivery room. I put together a handbook for my husband, Jon (the male voice youll find throughout the book), to use while I was in laborpositive words I thought Id want to hear, prompts for him to lead me through visualizations and deep breathing, and guidelines for him to follow (absolutely no picture-taking after a certain point; music selection was non-negotiable). It worked. Having him be more involved helped me, and it helped him by giving him things to do, ask, or suggest. He became a positive and involved player in the experience.

This book is designed to help you help your partner deal with the challenges of labor, both by guiding your planning (with space in back for you to fill in your own ideas, too) and by supplying plenty of suggestions for things to try during labor. Within these pages youll find advice culled from moms, midwives, doulas, and ob-gynsplus words of wisdom from an experienced dadto help you two through.

And lets not forget about you. All of the focus is on the mom-to-be (and lets be honest, thats basically how it should be), but youre going through a fair amount of stress, exhaustion, and confusion yourself, so weve got stuff in here just for you.

The book is broken into sections that can be used for planning (should you be that organized) or for quick reference during labor.

Stages of Labor will walk you throughwhat else?the stages of labor, outlining what to expect, and what you can do, during each stage. The chapter will help you keep track of things as labor progresses. Plus, youll find questions to ask the professionals so youll know exactly what stage shes at and whats going on. While hospital personnel deliver babies every day, youre new to childbirth, and knowing exactly what to ask can help cut through the confusion.

In What to Bring, youll find a packing list of items that will help you both through labor and delivery. Before you read any further, stop and throw some deodorant and a toothbrush into your bag. Trust us, youll need them by the time the baby arrives.

The What to Say chapter is full of affirmations, breathing prompts, and simple visualization ideas for you to read to her. Over and over if you need to. Over and over.