punchline - Hot Guys ABZ: Stay Calm and Look at Us

HOT GUYS
A B Z

Keep Calm and Look at Us

ART BY KENNETH J. FRANKLIN

OH, HELLO THERE...

We love this Maroon 5 lead singer 24/7. Monday: We get matching back tattoos. Tuesday: He Moves Like Jagger. Wednesday: We attend a rally for LGBT rights! Thursday: We spend the day admiring his three Grammy Awards. Friday: Payphone sex. Saturday: We watch him film The Voice. Sunday: Breakfast in bed. Thats a week to make you weak in the knees!

Let's play Truth or Dare. Truth: We are in love with your SNL shorts! Dare: Take a Risk; you wont be Sorry. Spend just one night with us and we will Boggle your mind and make your heart go Zingo! Dont be Clue-less, you California cutie! We want Andy Samberg in the bedroom with a candlestick!

Roses are red, violets are blue, Bradley Cooper we love you! On Broadway you were awesome. The Elephant Man made us cry. When we see you on-screen we become hypnotized. American Hustle and American Sniper were patriotic endeavors indeed. But we loved you best in the Hangover trilogy! Cheers on Silver Lining Playbook our dove, were crazy for you; we think its true love.

We must speak of this classically trained superstar of stage and screen with a British accent. Benedict, we simply ADORED you as Sherlock Holmes. Your Lead Actor Emmy is simply divine. Ladies, raise your cups, pass the scones, and repeat after me: Dear Mr. Commander of the Order of the British Empire, you can clot our cream any time. Cheerio!!! (Less crass: you can pour our tea anytime.)

This Avengers star has so much more than a giant Thor hammer in his tool belt! He has chiseled good looks and emotion-wrenching acting skills that were on full display In The Heart of the Sea. He was razor sharp in Black Hat, and with a comedic turn in National Lampoon's Vacation we dont need a stud finder to know this Aussie man has it awl! Let's strap on and get to work!

Ronaldo, often ranked as the best soccer player in the world, skillfully and gently manipulates the ball down the field. He picks up speed, poetry in motion. He weaves in and out, in and out, never losing control. He charges down the field! So much skill he leaves us breathless!! Hes unstoppable!!! The crowd goes wild!!!! HES IN RANGE!!!!! HE SHOOTS!!!!!.GOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!!! Whew! We are glowing with satisfaction.

This versatile actor has appeared on stage and screen in everything from Disneys A Kid in King Arthur's Court to Spielbergs Munich. But, in our hearts he is forever 007! Like the cars he drives as James Bond, this man is Aston Martin sexy, Ferrari suave, and Maserati debonair! He drives us wild with desire! Fasten your seatbelts, ladies. Were going on a mission!

The American Music Awards dubbed him Favorite Latin Artist. Of course! Su voz es como terciopelo (His voice is like velvet) y, bono, sus ojos arden como lava caliente (and, bonus, his eyes smolder like hot lava). With over 137 million records sold worldwide he is regarded as the King of Latin Pop. Lleg el Rey! (All hail the King!) Te adoramos, Enrique! No translation necessary.

Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah!! This man has got it all! Did you know this hunk is a college professor? How hot is that? Fill out your applications, girls! This sexy alumni from Freaks and Geeks is the perfect three credits of brains, looks, and talent. He made sawing off his own arm in127 Hours look sexy! A+! Ladies, we think were about to change our major!

Nothing, we repeat, NOTHING was hotter than this dreamy, blue-eyed super talent's portrayal of a horseback-riding, cowboy- lovin man! YEEHAW!! We dont know any woman (or man) who would complain about being saved by this dreamboat from an apocalyptic ice storm, but the mountain man thing? COME ON!! The kiss, the chapswere about to faint! Quick, Jake, lasso us down, saddle us up, and ride us home!

Gday, Mate! They dont come any hotter than this Aussie babe! Hes 6 feet 2 inches of acting, singing, dancing, award-winning, muscle-bulging, hottie McWolverine talent! Yeah, yeah, hes married with kids, whatever. Nobodys perfect! Hugh, we sure are glad you came up from Down Under, and FYI wed meet you Outback any day! HOOOWWWWLLLL!!!!