Iain Stirling - Not Ready to Adult Yet: A Totally Ill-informed Guide to Life

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First published by HarperCollins 2018

FIRST EDITION

Iain Stirling 2018

Cover layout design HarperCollinsPublishers 2018

Cover photograph Jay Brooks 2018

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

Iain Stirling asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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Source ISBN: 9780008288006

Ebook Edition August 2018 ISBN: 9780008288020

Version: 2018-06-21

To my mum Alison, my dad Rodger and my sister Kirsten. This book isnt for you, its because of you. I love you.

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1

Mollycoddled

CHAPTER 2

The Best Days of Your Life

CHAPTER 3

The Years BW (Before Wi-fi )

CHAPTER 4

The Power of Love Island

CHAPTER 5

Were All Fake Happy

CHAPTER 6

What a Way to Make a Living (Apparently)

CHAPTER 7

A Generation that Likes to (Political) Party Hard

CHAPTER 8

Here Comes the Science Bit

CONCLUSION

The Millennial Circle

adulting

NOUN

informal

The practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially the accomplishment of mundane but necessary tasks.

However, the entire time you are carrying out said tasks you are uncomfortably aware that you have no idea what the hell you are doing, you will fuck it up and eventually be found out.

Fucking hell , this adulting is IMPOSSIBLE . How do I explain to my boss that Im late for work because I dropped my phone in the toilet while watching a YouTube video and taking a shit?

Im constantly told by my parents, friends and my birth certificate that Im an adult now, but what does that even mean? And why does it seem to be so insanely difficult? Following some in-depth research/googling I have ascertained that, generally speaking, the idea of being an adult is split into two camps, that of the responsible adult and the irresponsible adult. These two definitions are as follows.

Responsible adult: taking on the new-found responsibilities that come with being a grown-up, such as getting a job, buying a house and having children.

Irresponsible adult: now the restrictions of childhood have been removed you can do or act however you want. For example, staying up as late as you like, drinking alcohol, spending your money as you choose.

Whether responsible or irresponsible, these actions carry with them that bizarre feeling of, Wow, Im being such an adult right now. Ive listed a few of my favourite such moments that make you feel like a grown-up here:

• COOKING MEALS FROM SCRATCH
• GOING ON HOLIDAY WITHOUT YOUR PARENTS
• DRIVING, PARTICULARLY DURING A TRICKY PARALLEL PARK
• FIRST TIME YOU GO INTO YOUR OVERDRAFT (LOSES ITS ALLURE QUICKLY)
• REALISING YOU CAN EAT OUT EVEN IF IT ISNT A SPECIAL OCCASION
• BEING IN THE SUPERMARKET AND REALISING YOU CAN BUY WHATEVER YOU LIKE
• DEFROSTING A FREEZER
• DRIVING THROUGH A CITY CENTRE AND BEING ABLE TO CONFIDENTLY STATE, THAT USED TO BE A BLOCKBUSTERS
• LIKING COLDPLAY
• BEING ABLE TO LEGALLY RENT A VAN
• BEING TOLD TO TURN THE VOLUME DOWN BY YOUR NEIGHBOURS RATHER THAN YOUR PARENTS
• IRONING YOUR FIRST SHIRT
• HAVING A NIGHT OUT THAT DOESNT INVOLVE PRE-DRINKING
• THE FIRST TIME YOU REALISE YOU LIKE OLIVES
• HAVING A COFFEE INSTEAD OF A DESSERT
• HELPING YOUR PARENTS PICK UP SOMETHING THATS HEAVY
• WHEN YOURE HUNGRY AND WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COOK YOU DINNER THEN REALISE THAT SOMEONE IS YOU
• MAKING PEOPLE TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF BEFORE COMING INTO YOUR HOUSE
• WHEN BANK HOLIDAYS BECOME A CHANCE TO CARRY OUT CHORES, NOT NURSE HANGOVERS

INTRODUCTION

A few years ago now I told an eight-year-old to go fuck himself. That moment was unintentional and clearly unfortunate, but it would go on to help me haul myself from a malaise I had found myself in for a number of years. Like many of lifes significant events, I was worryingly unaware of its importance, as is the case with the majority of life-changing moments: applying for a job, meeting the person who goes on to be your significant other or even buying that leather jacket that remains, to this day, a real staple in your wardrobe. It was just another moment like all the others; in fact, minutes before, I was sitting backstage at yet another gig, readying myself to perform to a new group of strangers like I do every night of the week.

What was it then about that particular night that sticks so solidly in my psyche like an annoying bit of apple skin between teeth? The fact I swore in a childs face certainly adds to the level of permanence afforded to that particular memory, but its not just the extreme embarrassment of the situation. Only last year I walked into a hotel room where a businessman was taking a shit, where I told him my full name and then left. Although that incident still haunts me today and Im assuming that businessman it is this particular gig that always comes to me in my moments of solitude. In the shower, just before I go to bed, when Im on a train with only a podcast and my own thoughts to keep me company. Boom! There it is. That little voice hidden in the depths of my mind pops in to quickly remind me of that evening.

Hello, Iain. Remember that time you told an eight-year-old to go fuck himself? You do? Oh good. Well, have a nice night.

I certainly could have been in a better place, being recently single, technically speaking out of work (though financially buoyant) and, most crucially, unfulfilled. Thats the big one. You ever felt like that? Even though on the face of it life is good your work is tolerable, bordering on enjoyable, your social life is filled with interesting and entertaining friends, and your family are as supportive and loving as ever for some reason there is that niggling feeling deep down in the depths of your soul that somethings not quite right, somethings missing. You feel like a selfish prick for even entertaining it; you have everything youve ever needed and so many people have made so many sacrifices so that you could have it, but it isnt enough and you cant for the life of you work out why.

What the fuck even is it and why cant I just have it? It is like The X Factor of life satisfaction, but none of us seem to have the Simon Cowell-esque ability to identify it correctly; it always seems to narrowly pass us by. There is nothing you can do to help identify it more clearly literally nothing. I even spent a month with my shirt unbuttoned offensively low and my trousers pulled embarrassingly high. It didnt help I just got funny looks.

For years I was told by friends, family, school teachers, colleges and even social media that I was special and destined for great things. Im fully aware thats not unique to me, by the way. Im sure you too have been awarded certificates at school and told how beautiful you are in Facebook comments, as we live in a world where praise is constantly heaped onto everyone. Despite this wall of positive encouragement, however, in the specific moment I swore at an eight-year-old, I just felt like another cog in the machine, another Starbucks-drinking, McDonalds-munching face in the crowd.