Michael Aaron - Modern Sexuality: The Truth about Sex and Relationships

Modern Sexuality

ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD

Lanham Boulder New York London

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Aaron, Michael, 1976 author.

Title: Modern sexuality : the truth about sex and relationships / Michael Aaron.

Description: Lanham : Rowman & Littlefield, [2016] | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2016014797 | ISBN 9781442253216 (cloth : alk. paper)

Subjects: LCSH: Sex. | Sex (Psychology) | Sexual attraction. | Manwoman relationships.

Classification: LCC HQ16 .A27 2016 | DDC 306.7dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016014797

TM The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information Sciences Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

Printed in the United States of America

This book is about sex. And society. And the uneasy friction between the two. And its about my role as a sex therapist, witnessing this struggle each and every day as it plays out on my therapy couch.

Dont get me wrong: sex is everywhere. Its in popular music lyrics and in beer commercials featuring bikini-clad girls on the beach. So nicely packaged, yet so far removed from reality. With so much sex all around, youd think wed know it all when it comes to sex. But most of what we think we know about sex is completely wrong. And millions of people in the world are suffering because of these mistaken assumptions and the myths about sexuality that have developed around them.

Myths are not random stories that people tell each other. They serve an important social purpose: to keep society unified and cohesive. As individuals, we strive for freedom of expression, but as a group were forced to stifle it. Human sexuality today stands at the crossroads between biological diversity and social conformity, and a battle between the two rages in the media, in social institutions, and in our daily lives.

Celebrities who have sex outside their relationships often get publicly shamed and go to sex addiction rehab facilities, while sexual imagery is used to sell products and attract viewers to the latest cable show. People who are into kinky sex are labeled as perverts and lose child custody battles, yet Fifty Shades of Grey sells seventy million copies and the movie version tops the box office. Porn performers are marginalized as social outcasts, yet some of them appear in Hollywood movies and get book deals. Sex addiction, same-sex marriage, human sex trafficking, feminism, sex-positive feminism, porn addiction, swingers, monogamy, polyamory, intimacy, kink, attachment, BDSM, soul mates, friends with benefits. So much noise, so little clarity. What the heck is going on? With so much contradictory information, how is anyone supposed to make sense of what is OK when it comes to sex?

This book tries to accomplish a few things. First, it strives to explain why we are so removed from our own sexualities. Why sex is so shrouded in misinformation and untruths. And why sex is used as a weaponto market to us, to turn us into loyal consumers, and to keep us feeling unsatisfied and incomplete. Toward this, I aim to provide cutting-edge scientific, accurate information about what we actually do know about sex. What is normal and healthy? What is sickness? What is right in relationships? And what is wrong?

I am going to answer all these questions and then some by using groundbreaking brain-imaging studies and cutting-edge psychological insights to provide a complete, scientific perspective on what we currently know in the field of sexology. I will go into depth on a wide range of topics, including nonnormative sexualities encompassing orientation, nontraditional relationships, specific fantasies and kinks, and sex work and prostitution. I will leave no stone unturned in uncovering every aspect of sexual behavior. By doing this, I hope to achieve my second goal, which is to help individuals rid themselves of any unnecessary guilt or shame about their own sexualities that inhibit them from living a life full of personal authenticity and life satisfaction.

I then explain group formation and why social groups depend on conformity for survival. The book then explores the battle between biology and society as it rages on through the media, current events, public policy, and the lives of millions of individuals caught up in the drama. Even though the book addresses individuals with a wide range of unique sexualities, it highlights the very similar and common struggles most people have when coming to terms with their authentic identities in the face of severe social pressures and stigmas. These lives are illustrated through specific examples based on actual cases taken from my established sex therapy practice in order to shine a bright light on the sexual struggles of typical Americans. Although the cases presented are composites of numerous clients and do not represent any one individual specifically, they do provide a clear window into the challenges of my work.

My hope is that the stories I present of people marginalized by societys need to suppress sexuality will inspire readers as examples of courage, resilience, and search for identity, offering insights to their own problems and inhibitions. I will then provide concrete instructions on how you, the reader, can overcome the sexual difficulties you may experience as a result of social stigma.

Heres a typical example from my practice: Cody and Amy are newlyweds whose nine-month marriage seems headed for divorce. They havent had sex for the past month, and only recently Amy discovered troubling porn on Codys computer that depicted sexual activities with men and transsexuals and included seemingly violent depictions of people, men and women, tied up and whipped. What kind of sex pervert did she marry? Was he gay? A sex addict? Maybe a potential sex offender? Did he also want to hurt her? Should she be afraid of him? All these questions raced through her mind. Whatever was wrong with him, he needed psychological treatment or the marriage was over.

I see these situations in my therapy office every single day. I see people struggling with and trying to make sense of their sexualities. All that intense stuff that Cody was watching online... those were all consensual acts that can be classified under the umbrella of BDSMwhich stands for bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochismwhich, as Modern Sexuality will reveal, is benign, nonpathological, and, surprisingly, a much more prevalent activity than most people realize. There is nothing wrong with Cody or any of the other dozens of individuals, both men and women, who have come through my office. They are simply caught up in the eternal struggle between our own human biological needs for sexual diversity and societys needs for social conformity.