The Staff of The Onion - The Onion Presents: Love, Sex, and Other Natural Disasters: Relationship Reporting from Americas Finest News Source

Love, Sex, and Other
Natural Disasters

Copyright 2011 by Onion, Inc.
theonion.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2011933424

eISBN: 978-1-59474-555-3

Typeset in Cheltenham, Franklin Gothic, Trade Gothic, and Utopia

Designed by Katie Hatz
Production management by John J. McGurk

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v3.1

PESHTIGO, WIIn a miracle that defies statistical probability, Corey Muntner, 18, reported Monday that he found his soulmate, Tammy Gaska, right in his very own hometown of Peshtigo.

They say God puts one special person on this planet who is your one true love, said Muntner, who has left Marinette County twice in his life, both times for marching-band competitions in nearby Menominee. Its incredible, but I somehow found mine right here in the town where Ive always lived. If thats not fate, I dont know what is.

Muntner, a 2001 graduate of Peshtigo High School, met Gaska, currently a junior at the school, in November 1999 in the student parking lot.

Muntner and his one true love.

I was hanging out by my car with my buddy Bryan, and this really hot chick comes walking up, Muntner said. She asks us for a smoke, and I give her one of my Camels. So Bryan, whos a good guy but kind of a goober, says, What are you doing Saturday night? She says, Nothing with you. Then, for some reason, I say, How about me? and she smiles and says, Sure.

That girls name, you ask? Muntner continued. Tammy Gaska.

When she told me she wanted to eat at Schusslers Supper Club, I was like, Thats my favorite place in town! What are the odds that out of Peshtigos five restaurants, wed both like the same one?

Relationship experts estimate that the chances of meeting someone in your lifetime that you fully connect with on a spiritual, intellectual, and physical level are one in 2.3 billion, making the geographic proximity of the soulmates nothing short of astonishing.

How often does a person find their one true love at all, much less in the tiny rural Wisconsin town where they grew up? Muntner said. Thats why me and Tammy are still going out even though she gave Danny [Corvo] a hand job in the Copps [Food Center] freezer a few months ago. You just dont give up on true love.

Muntner said he very nearly did not meet Gaska, making their union all the more incredible.

When I was in 10th grade, my dad got a job offer in Manitowoc, and we almost moved, Muntner said. If hed taken the job, I would have never met Tammy. Its pretty scary to think about how close that was to happening. Obviously, somebody up there wanted us to be together.

Muntner said he knew almost immediately that he and Tammy were so meant to be together.

I could tell on the first date that Tammy was Mrs. Right, Muntner said. When she told me she wanted to eat at Schusslers Supper Club, I was like, Thats my favorite place in town! What are the odds that out of Peshtigos five restaurants, wed both like the same one?

While many of his friends have had to search the state, country, or at least somewhere outside a three-mile radius to find The One, Muntner said he is doubly blessed that Gaska lives a mere four blocks away.

My friend Rodney [Auer] has a girlfriend who lives all the way over in Oconto Falls, Muntner said. Sometimes, he doesnt get to see her all week if something is wrong with his truck. I dont think I could stand to be away from Tammy for that long.

Thats why me and Tammy are still going out even though she gave Danny Corvo a hand job in the Copps [Food Center] freezer a few months ago. You just dont give up on true love.

Muntner, who prior to meeting Gaska had dated only two girls, one for five weeks and the other for two months, said he is amazed that he was able to find the perfect person so quicklyand in a town of only 3,400 people.

Tammy is really special. Muntner said. Most people who marry someone from their hometown just settle for whatevers around. Im glad I didnt have to do that.

NEWS IN BRIEF

Love Letter Made Longer By Increasing Margins

CRYSTAL BAY, NVA half-page love letter written using Microsoft Word on Monday by Derek Glassburn, 19, to his girlfriend Amanda Tinker, 20, was expanded to a full page by increasing the documents margins by nearly one quarter inch on all sides.

Even after saying that she was prettier than every girl Ive ever dated, and that I loved her more than a bunch of stuff, [the letter] looked like I had put nothing into it, Glassburn said. Besides lengthening the margins, I changed the font from Times New Roman to Helvetica, upped the font size to 12.8 points, and put it all in bold.

Glassburn reportedly handed two pages to Tinker, deciding at the last second to add a cover page with the title Amanda Tinker: Why I Love Her, An Essay By Derek R. Glassburn.

WASHINGTON, DCIn a time-honored annual ritual, thousands of high-school seniors across the nation are cramming for final exams, trying on their graduation gowns, and preparing to break up with their longtime sweethearts.

Jeff Reidel and Amy Pocoroba, one of the nations soon-to-break-up couples.

Amy is an amazing girl, said Lancaster (OH) High School senior Jeff Reidel, who next week is planning to break up with Amy Pocoroba, his girlfriend of three and a half years. I know we swore wed be together forever, but, like me, shes got a lot of exciting opportunities ahead of her, and it just wouldnt be fair to her to keep her tied down.

Brianna Milbank, 17, a senior at Eisenhower High School in Prescott, AZ, said she plans to break up with boyfriend Chris Keegan in mid-July.

Weve already got plans for a July 4 camping trip that Im really excited about, so I definitely want to wait until after that, Milbank said. Chris is such an incredible guy, and these last two years have been amazing. But I just dont think I can give him what he needs right now.

Amanda has the most beautiful eyes. I cant tell you how many times Ive gazed into them, thinking they were the only ones Id ever want to look into. But that was before I visied UC-Santa Cruz. The chicks there are so hot, its not even funny.

As the seniors take one last look around the halls where they spent the past four years, they are also pausing to take one last look at the significant others they are about to dump.