Sue Edwards - Leading Women Who Wound: Strategies for an Effective Ministry

Strategies for
an Effective
Ministry

M OODY P UBLISHERS
CHICAGO

2009 by
S UE E DWARDS AND K ELLEY M ATHEWS

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the NET Bible, copyright 19962006 by Biblical Studies Press, L.L.C. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible, Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

Editor: Jocelyn Green

Interior Design: Ragont Design

Cover Design: Garborg Design Works, Inc., Savage, MN

Cover Photo: BigStockPhoto.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Edwards, Sue

Leading women who wound : strategies for an effective ministry / Sue
Edwards & Kelley Mathews.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 9780-80248153-5

1. Church work with women. 2. Women in church work. 3.Women
Religious life. 4. WomenPsychology. I. Mathews, Kelley II. Title.

BV4445.E39 2009

259.082dc22

2008042240

This book is printed on acid free recycled paper containing 30% PCW (Post Consumer Waste) and manufactured in the United States of America by Versa Press.

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C HAPTER O NE:
Expect Women Who Wound

C HAPTER T WO:
Womens Ways of Whacking

C HAPTER T HREE:
Prepare Personally for Women Who Wound

C HAPTER F OUR:
Spot Women Who Wound

C HAPTER F IVE:
Disarm Women Who Wound

C HAPTER S IX:
Love Women Who Wound

C HAPTER S EVEN:
Steps to Making Peace with a Sister

C HAPTER E IGHT:
Your Team for Women Who Wound

C HAPTER N INE:
The Male Ministers Guide to Female Negotiation

E PILOGUE:
To God be the Glory

Debts of gratitude are the most difficult to collect and we owe that debt to many who helped with this book. When friends, family, or colleagues heard we were writing a book on women and conflict, many responded, We desperately need that book! Let me tell you what happened to me ... Over coffee or lunch, they shared their experiences, lessons learned, regrets, and triumphs. We doctored their stories, weaving some together and dimming the details, but the essence remains intact. Thanks for your vulnerability and candor. We hope and pray that other women will learn from your mistakes and echo your victories as they train to become skilled peacemakers too.

Thanks to Steve Roese, executive pastor of Irving Bible Church, for your insight when working with leaders and particularly female ones, and for modeling how to create an ethos conducive to healthy conflict resolution. To Kelly Arabie and Lynn Quernemon for valuable comments on the first draft. To Jeanne Ballard, who helped us understand the special challenges for pastors wives. And, of course, to our husbands David Edwards and John Mathews for your steady support and partnership. Your daily sacrifices made this project possible.

Finally, we are grateful to Moody Publishers, particularly Jennifer Lyell (Acquisition Editor, Womens Books), for believing in this project and giving us the opportunity to speak into the lives of women who need encouragement and practical skills as they labor for Jesus. Books on conflict for men are plentiful but books for women are scarce. May this book help fill that void and may the Lord bless those who helped make our dream a reality.

The illustrations and stories in this book are based on true accounts. However, names, situations, and specifics have been altered to protect participants. We understand that these accounts are not easy reading, especially for tenderhearted women. Some are extreme examples, atypical of every womans experience. Nevertheless, many of the seasoned women we interviewed were quick to supply a serious story. Bear with us in the first few chapters as we set the stage for positive strategies and solutions to follow.

Turn away from evil and do what is right! Strive for peace and promote it!

Psalm 34:14

You are holding womens hands to hell, snapped Sylvia, glaring at Sue over the conference table. Both women were respected, experienced Bible teachers in the same church. Every week hundreds of women sat at their feet to learn about the joy peace, and love of Jesus. But today these two leaders were embroiled in a conflict that threatened to destroy their reputations and ministries.

The executive pastor sat between them, attempting to negotiate. Sylvia charged Sue with false teaching. Her purpose was to discredit Sue and close down her rival class. What had Sue done to deserve this harsh rebuke? Had she declared that the Bible was unreliable? Had she taught women that Jesus was not divine? Had she encouraged women to pursue ungodly lifestyles? No. The charge was cheap grace. Sylvia believed that Sue taught women they were saved when they were not. She accused Sue of being soft on repentance and insisted that she be sacked. Most of the women in the church did not understand the accusation. Most scholars with different views on the issue respectfully agree to disagree. But not Sylvia.

The conflict had begun months earlier when Sylvia barged into Sues class moments before Sue was slated to teach. She denounced Sue in front of several discussion group leaders and then stomped out. Sue was shaken but managed to pull herself together and teach her lesson. For weeks Sylvia harassed Sue by phoning her at home. She hired a stenographer to transcribe one of Sues messages, created a booklet arguing for Sues dismissal, and presented the document to the pastor.

The pastors initial response was slow and indecisive. As a result, the conflict lasted more than a year with Sue ultimately exonerated but emotionally bruised. A bitter Sylvia eventually left the church. Attendance in both studies waned that year as word of the turmoil spread. Disillusioned women left the church or enrolled in other Bible studies.

LESSONS TO PASS ON

I am Sue and that ferocious assault on my integrity taught me many lessons. First, I was unprepared. No one ever told me to expect personal attacks and conflict when serving the Lord and Christians. Some weeks I worked fifty hours as a lay volunteer, and I expected the pastors to appreciate and protect me. I was naive. And I was ignorant. I had never been taught strategies to manage conflict, so I did not always respond wisely.