Ian Kerner - Passionista: The Empowered Womans Guide to Pleasuring a Man (Kerner)

F or Lisa,

my she in She Comes First

Contents

Preface:
The Passionista on the Shaky Bridge

Warning: This book is not recommended for any woman with a fear of heights.

A LLOW ME to explain.

If you ever happen to find yourself crossing the Capilano River in North Vancouver, Canada, youll have two bridges to choose from. The first is definitely not for the faint of heart: A mere five feet wide and 450 feet long, the Capilano Canyon Suspension Bridge is constructed solely of plank and cable and sways perilously in the wind some 250 feet above the turbulent rocky tidesright out of a scene from Alfred Hitchcocks Vertigo . Your other choice? A solidly built anchored bridge that rests a mere ten feet above sea level.

In 1974, two well-known psychologists, Arthur Aron and Donald Dutton, used these bridges as the focus of an ingenious experimentone that sought to explore the mysterious nature of sexual attraction.

The two-part experiment went something like this: On day one, whenever an unaccompanied man ventured across the shaky bridge, he would find himself stopped midway by a beautiful young woman. She would introduce herself as a psychology researcher and then proceed to ask if he would mind participating in a brief survey.

On day two, the identical routine would be conducted by the same woman on the sturdy bridge.

Sounds pretty straightforward, right? But there was a little twist: When each of the men completed the survey, the young woman would hand him her phone number and tell him that he was free to call her later that evening for the results.

Unbeknownst to the subjects, the real study was not the answers the men gave to the survey, but what happened afterward. Aron and Dutton set out to examine which of the men gave the pretty psychologist a call and, more importantly, why . In other words, they were interested in studying not just what happened on the bridge, but how that affected what happened later. Would the excitement and exhilaration of being on the shaky bridge, versus the more mundane experience of being on the solid bridge, promote romantic attraction?

In technical terms, Aron and Dutton were testing a concept called misattribution, also known as excitation transfer theory: Could lingering excitement from one situationsay, walking across a shaky bridge versus a stable oneintensify a subsequent emotional state? Or, to put it simply: Does adrenaline make the heart grow fonder?

The answer? Indeed, it does.

Not only did Aron and Dutton find that the men on the shaky bridge were more likely than their stable-bridge counterparts to call the woman later for results of the survey, but they were also far more likely to ask her for a date !

Well come back to this experiment a little later when we talk about the roles that excitement and novelty play in stimulating our brains natural sex wiring, and Ill outline my shaky bridge approach to great sex. (Dont worry: It doesnt involve getting it on while bungee jumpingthough that probably wouldnt hurt, accidents notwithstanding.)

Based on my experience working with couples, its my wholehearted conviction that beneath the layers of linens that cover our conjugal beds, there lies a shaky bridge, ready and waiting for high-stakes action. Yet most of us spend our sex lives on the stable, sturdy oneoften without realizing it. As your friendly neighborhood sex therapist, Im here to help you take a monumental leap from one bridge to the other.

But before we shake things up, allow me to wax poetic for a moment on The Woman on the Shaky Bridge:

She is Dantes Beatrice and Gatsbys Daisy; she is Guinevere, Juliet, Helen, and Eurydice, to name a few.

You get the point. The woman on the shaky bridge is the stuff that dreams are made of, the gold from which love at first sight is wrought. Shes sexy and excitingthe embodiment of desirability, the essence of allurement. She is a sexual muse: a passionista.

But believe it or not, the greatest asset of the Woman on the Shaky Bridge is not her beauty or her body; its her brain. Its her knowledge of sexual psychology and her ability to apply it its knowing which bridge to be on in the first place , having the courage to cross it, and inspiring a guy to meet you in the middle.

My goal in these pages is far more ambitious than to provide you with a collection of hot sex tips and techniques. I want to give you more than just a way of a way of doing ; I want to give you a vision: a way of thinking and being .

Regardless of your looks, body, or age; whether youre single or married; whether youre approaching date number three or 3,000, I want nothing less than to make you the passionista on the shaky bridge.

Lets start the journey.

Introduction:
The Best Sex He Never Had

G UYS LOVE TO TALK to me about sex. And I dont just mean in my office; I mean everywhere . I cant walk down the street without getting stopped: the UPS man, my super, my upstairs neighborhell, I know more about what turns on the guy behind the deli counter at my local grocery store than his own wife does.

One guy in particular, named Charlie, always makes me smile. Hes a salesman for a pharmaceutical company, and we share an office suite, so I occasionally run into him at the coffee machine. With George Clooney looks, Charlie has a sex life that most men would envy. Every time I see him, he leans in close and whispers in hushed, enthusiastic tones: Doc, last night I had the most amazing sex of my life. She was incredible . Can I just tell you?

Thats when I have to cut him off and excuse myself. After all, I have a life to live. I have patients, deadlines, a wife, and two sonsif I indulged every guy who wanted to stop and talk to me about sex, Id never get anything done.

But once I made the decision to write a book about male sexuality, thats exactly what I did: I stopped and listened to every guy who wanted to talk to me about sex. In fact, I sought them out. Traveling on my book tour, I met men of all stripes. And every time I sat down with a guy for the first time, I always began with the same lead-in: Tell me about the best sex you ever had.

And boy did I get an earful. Not only did I hear about the best sex they ever had, but also, more importantly, I heard about the best sex they never hadexperiences they always desired and fantasized about but were afraid to share with their partners for fear of offending or seeming weird. I heard the question am I normal? so many times that Im now convinced that when it comes to sex, the only thing normal is that everyones different.

To really get to know a guy, you practically have to wake up inside his skin, get inside his head, and know what it feels like to have a penis, with all the fantasies, desires, fears, and anxieties that go along with it. So think of Part I of Passionista as your own personal Freaky Friday the closest youll ever want to come to waking up in a guys skin and knowing what truly makes him tick.

Great sex isnt about techniques or knowing what works; its about knowing how and why it works. From the latest findings on the brain-chemistry of desire to the physiology of snuggling to a review of the three different types of erections all men experience, Ill take you on a guided tour of his body, brain, and mind that will leave no nook or cranny unexplored.

As for Part II, remember when I warned you that this book wasnt for women with a fear of heights? As Im sure you know, I wasnt talking about literal heights. Im talking about reaching new heights in pleasure, intimacy, and erotic creativity. So, get ready to take a walk out on that shaky bridge and stir things up because in Part II well talk about tactics, techniques, and tips.