Ian Kerner - She comes first: the thinking mans guide to pleasuring a woman

T HE PREMISE of this book is simple: when it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, cunnilingus should be every mans native tongue. As bestselling sex author Lou Paget has written, Ask most women, and if theyre being honest, they will admit that what makes them hottest and come hardest is when a man can use his tongue well.

But as with any language, in order to express yourself fluently, in order to make your subject sing and soar, you must be thoroughly acquainted with the rules of grammar and style. One of my favorite books on the subject is the indispensable classic Elements of Style. I dont think I would have made it though freshman comp, or survived college as an English major, without that slim, dog-eared paperback tucked away in my back pocket. In the able hands of authors Strunk and White, grammar was not simply made understandable and meaningfulit was made beautiful.

Elements of Style exhorted readers to write boldly and make definite assertions. And in the spirit of that timeless classic, She Comes First will condense a wealth of experience and expertise into a simple, essential rule book; it will elaborate on the principles and philosophy that underlie those rules and, in doing so, offer nothing less than the definitive guide to the grammar of oral sex. If you want to learn how to give a woman mind-blowing, body-rippling orgasms with your tongue every time, this is the book for you.

Although I have a Ph.D. in clinical sexology, this book is principally written from a practitioners perspective; by someone who knows and loves cunnilingus, appreciates its role in stimulating female sexual response, and has developed a methodology for consistently leading women to orgasm: one that stems from the conviction that cunnilingus is much more than just a sexual activity, but rather the centerpiece of a philosophy of sexual contentment. Call it the way of the tongue.

But dont get me wrong: Im not some Casanova or Don Juan, vainly putting words down on paper in order to boast and strutfar from it. Through much of my life Ive suffered terribly from sexual dysfunction, and I know all too well the humiliation, anxiety, and despair of not being able to satisfy a woman. If anything, this book was written in the sincere hope that other men might develop effective sexual habitsones that will enable them, along with their partners, to suffer less than I have, or perhaps not at all. As Tennessee Williams wrote of the marriage bed in his play Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, When a marriage goes on the rocks, the rocks are there, right there! Well, heres to getting rid of the rocks and smoothing out the sheets.

My initial forays into oral sex were a crutch, a way of compensating for my sexual inadequacies, and they were approached with the assumption that cunnilingus was a poor mans second to the joys and splendors of real sexlike many, I took it for granted that intercourse was the right way for couples to experience orgasms. But, to my surprise, I discovered that the way of the tongue was by no means inferior to intercourse; if anything, it was superior, in many cases the only way in which women were able to receive the persistent, rhythmic stimulation, outside of masturbation, necessary to achieve an orgasm. I quickly learned that oral sex is real sex, and later in life, when I happened to come across a copy of the seminal Hite Report on Female Sexuality, I was reassured to find that women consider oral sex to be one of their most favorite and exciting activities; women mentioned over and over how much they loved it. When it comes to pleasure, there is no right or wrong way to have an orgasmthe only thing thats wrong is to assume that women need or value them any less than men do.

In her article Just Be a Man: Six Simple Suggestions, sex columnist Amy Sohns very first piece of advice is, A man goes down. No excuses. No hesitation.

But once down there, whats a man to do? The vast majority of women complain about guys who dont like to do it, dont know how to do it, or simply dont do it nearly enough. Flannery OConnor was right: a good man is hard to find, especially one whos good at taking a leisurely stroll downtown. But once found, a skilled cunnilinguist rarely goes unappreciated. In her essay Lip Service: On Being a Cunning Linguist, author and sex columnist Anka Radakovich sings the praises of a boyfriend who specialized in oral sex: I became tongue-whipped (the female equivalent of pussy-whipped) and even offered to do his laundry if he would come over and satisfy me. After two months, I put a framed photo of his tongue on my desk.

Its time to think outside her box. When it comes to the oral caress, every man should make a mantra of Rhett Butlers infamous line to Scarlett OHara in Gone with the Wind: You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.

Those who know me know Im a private person. I wouldnt dream of confiding my battles with sexual dysfunction to the world if I didnt wholeheartedly believe that there was a compelling need for this book. I know this based on what Ive read, what Ive been told, and, most important, what Ive experienced firsthand as a clinical sexologist: not only do women crave and enjoy cunnilingus; they require it. Any sex therapist will tell you that the number one complaint they hear over and over from women is of an inability to experience orgasm during penis-vagina intercourse. The solution is not simply more foreplay, as magazines often chide us, but rather the skillful extension of those activities we associate with foreplay, namely oral stimulation, into complete, fully realized acts of lovemakingthe transformation of foreplay into nothing less than coreplay.

This book is not anti-intercourse, but rather pro-outercoursea conception of sex that goes beyond penetration, embraces mutual pleasure, and is better suited to stimulating the female sexual anatomy to orgasm. This model doesnt exclude intercourse, but instead promotes the postponement of male gratification until after a woman has achieved her first (but hopefully not last) orgasm during a session of sexual activitya deferment that has the double benefit of vouchsafing female satisfaction while also significantly enhancing the quality of the male climax. This book espouses the postponement of gratification, not the postponement of enjoyment.

She Comes First offers men and women a surefire bird in the hand approach to good sex, as opposed to the high-stakes all or nothing proposition of intercourse. Its time to close the sex gap and create a level playing field in the exchange of pleasure, and cunnilingus is far more than just a means for achieving this noble end; its the cornerstone of a new sexual paradigm, one that exuberantly extols a shared experience of pleasure, intimacy, respect and contentment. Its also one of the greatest gifts of love a man can bestow upon a woman.

In Part I, The Elements of Sexual Style, you will be introduced to a powerful philosophy that will inform, if not dramatically alter, the way you approach sex and relationships. You will learn to:

• Dispense with disinformation and cultivate a true understanding of female sexuality