Joshua Piven - The Complete Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex

Survival Handbook

DATING & SEX

By David Borgenicht, Joshua Piven, & Ben H. Winters

With contributions by Victoria De Silverio, Sarah Jordan,
Turk Regan, Sam Stall, and Jennifer Worick

Illustrations by Brenda Brown

Copyright 19992013 by Quirk Productions, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Worst-Case Scenario and The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook are trademarks of Quirk Productions, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available

ISBN 978-1-4521-2370-7

Typseset in Adobe Caslon, Bundesbahn Pi, and Zapf Dingbats

Designed by Dennis Gallagher and John Sullivan, www.visdesign.com

Illustrations by Brenda Brown

Visit www.worstcasescenarios.com

Chronicle Books LLC

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San Francisco, California 94107

www.chroniclebooks.com

When a life is imperiled or a dire situation is at hand, safe alternatives may not exist. To deal with the worst-case scenarios presented in this book, we highly recommendinsist, actuallythat the best course of action is to consult a professionally trained expert. But because highly trained professionals may not always be available when the safety or sanity of individuals is at risk, we have asked experts on various subjects to describe the techniques they might employ in these emergency situations. THE AUTHORS, PUBLISHER, AND EXPERTS DISCLAIM ANY LIABILITY from any injury that may result from the use, proper or improper, of the information contained in this book. We do not guarantee that the information contained herein is complete, safe, or accurate for your situation, nor should it be considered a substitute for your good judgment and common sense. And finally, nothing in this book should be construed or interpreted to infringe on the rights of other persons or to violate criminal statutes; we urge you to obey all laws and respect all rights, including property rights, of others.

The Authors

The course of true love never did run smooth.

William Shakespeare

Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come.

Matt Groening

In nature, the process of finding a mate is a fairly simple one. Animals signal their readiness by fanning their plumage, or changing the color of their buttocks, or growling in a certain way. Potential suitors present themselves, then vie for the right to mate. In nature, there are no singles bars, dating websites, personal ads, safe lunches, or blind dates.

Among humans, however, finding a suitable mate is a lot more complex, and more dangerous. From the first attraction across a crowded room to the perils of meeting, dating, undressing, sleeping with, and loving or leaving that special someone, you are completely at risk: your body, your heart, your mind, and your spirit, not to mention your bank account. Literature and lyrics say it all: Love hurts. Love is blind. Love stinks. Love is a battlefield. Think of this book as your guide to fighting, surviving, and ultimately winning that battle.

Weve learned a few things about survival in creating The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook series. Weve learned how to fend off an alligator, how to survive a jump from a bridge, how to escape from quicksand, and how to survive many other life-threatening situations.

That was the easy part.

It was easy to give readers instructions for surviving the elements or wild animal attacks. Its simple enough to predict what a shark is going to do, or to teach people how to jump from a moving car, or to give readers information about what to do during an earthquake. Sharks are always going to behave like sharks, moving cars are always going to function according to the principles of physics, and earthquakes affect the ground and buildings in a very predictable way. But humans are unpredictableand you never know how they will react when things take a turn for the worse and especially when love is in the air.

In dating and sex, perhaps more than in any other aspect of life, youve got to be able to cope when things dont work out as planned. If you are careless or you panic, if you say or do the wrong thing or do the right thing at the wrong time, the consequences could be emotionally catastrophic and life-threatening (or life-producing). This book can keep you safe.

There are plenty of books out there that provide guidance on how to find Mr. or Ms. Right. This is the only book that tells you how to escape from Mr. or Ms. Wrong, identify an axe murderer, slip away from a bad date, fake an orgasm, recognize breast implants and toupees, remove difficult articles of clothing, treat a passion injury, apologize when you dont know what youve done wrong, optimize your online dating profile, avoid nightmare hookups, and more. Much more. When we published The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex more than 10 years ago, we set out to give readers answers to more than 40 scenarios. This new complete handbook adds a hundred additional scenarios on love, dating, sex, relationships, and marriage from across the series, including dozens of all new scenarios and expert advice that can save your evening and your love life.

Generally, weve assigned a he or she to each of the scenarios for the sake of simplicity, but youll know if the scenario applies to you. And even if it doesnt, you might find out how to help a friend or lover in distress.

And in the handy appendix, youll find excuses you might need, a guide to pickup lines to avoid, and a body language interpretation chart for encouragementor for extra protection.

So take heart, love and sex-seekers. This book will provide you with everything you need to navigate the dangerous waters in the sea of loveand avoid what lurks beneath the surface.

The Authors

Watch for the following:

A Caucasian male in his twenties or thirties

Obsession with fire or matches

Cruelty to animals

History of bed-wetting

Sexually abused as a child

Middle-class background combined with loner behavior

Difficulty maintaining relationships

An individual who exhibits more than three of these traits may be dangerous.

Trust your intuition.

Your instinct is a powerful weapon. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

Check him out officially.

Obtain his social security number and investigate him. Call the Federal Prison Locator Service (202-307-3126) to determine if he was ever incarcerated. Many online companies can aid in financial reports or tracking down previous addresses. You may also want to enlist the services of a private detective.

Axe murderers are usually Caucasian males in their twenties and thirties. They frequently behave cruelly toward animals and may also be obsessed with fire or matches.

If you discover grounds for suspicion, break off the relationship immediately.

Be clear and definite about your decision. Return all of his belongings and gifts. Do not make promises to keep in touch. Be straightforward and kind, and talk only about yourself and why the relationship no longer works for you. Do not blame him. Try not to make him angry.