Kerry Heavens - Still Human

Liv

Please Liv, you have to eat something, begs Max.

I tighten the covers around me. Im not hungry, but I keep quiet. If I speak, even about food, hell think Im ready to talk. Theres nothing else to say. I poured it all out when I got home and theres nothing left. He stayed with me all night, held me tight while I cried and now he is fussing around. He wanted to call everyone to tell them I was safe. But I warned him not to call Danny. I said he could let Mum know I was okay but that was it. No details and under no circumstances were any of them to make any contact with Danny either. I can just imagine Mum and Grace as vigilantes and, while I want him to hurt, he isnt worth it.

Im going down to check on things, Ill bring you something up anyway. He says quietly. I dont respond.

In the silence of my flat, my ears ring. I hate silence, I always have and without thinking I get out of bed, wrapping myself in a blanket, and sit in front of the TV. I find a film on a movie channel Ive seen before and sit and ignore it. Its better than the deafening silence. Now that Im upright, I ponder what to do next. I know I have to pull myself together today, Connie is flying home. Ugh! She wont let me just wallow, shell make me talk. I need to get up, shower and go to work. Keeping busy is my only option, it'll keep people off my back.

As I adjust the temperature of the shower, I examine my options. I don't really have any. It's not like life was going well before I allowed Danny to walk in and screw me over. I have to just try my hardest to get back to normal as quickly as possible. I should have trusted my instincts. Danny was just human after all, hurting me was almost inevitable. Sadly, I knew that but the naive teenager in me just got sucked in for old time's sake. I knew this would happen, I was safer with Mark, at least I could take that on the chin.

Max is waiting when I come out of the bedroom dressed for work.

I brought you some coffee and He starts as he turns to me. His face falls as he sees me. Liv, youre not going to work?

I walk across to where he is sitting and pick up my coffee. Taking a sip, I smile a tiny smile and sit beside him.

What should I do then? I ask softly.

We have it all covered downstairs. You need to sort your head out.

Im not going to do that here, trust me. I need the distraction. I put my hand on his knee. Thank you for looking after me, but I have to get back down there before I drive myself insane.

He sighs. Well, you arent going anywhere until you eat something. He holds up a muffin on a plate.

I smile sweetly and dutifully take the muffin. Then, with some physical effort, I force some down. I may as well start now, Connie will be much harder to deal with.

Satisfied, Max sits back and seems to relax slightly. I can hear his cogs turning though and I know he wants to talk. So when he parts his lips to say whatever it is I know I dont want to hear, I say I dont want to talk about it. Then, getting to my feet, I take the coffee and the muffin and go to the door.

Coming? I ask innocently as I head down to the diner.

Danny

Jen places a coffee on my nightstand and sits on the edge of the bed. If they know any more, theyre not saying, she says softly.

She was just on the phone to Livs sister, trying to get more information. But I know all I need to know. They found the note last night when they got back; it said she was going home.

It didnt say why, but I know.

She doesnt love me.

She found out I was going to propose and she ran.

Again.

Last night after the dust settled, Jen found the ring bag screwed up in the trash. Id left it out on the counter when I went to go meet Liv at the party and it doesnt take a genius to see what happened. Liv came back just after I left, saw the bag, figured it out, freaked and then packed her things and left.

Scott and Jen left me alone last night, but only after I insisted. Jen came back first thing this morning though, to make sure I was okay. She wants me to get up and go over to Graces to find out what they know, but I dont want to hear it. I cant face their pity and Im too angry to see Connie. This is all her fault. Liv and I were getting on with our lives quite happily until she interfered. Now Im left with that old open wound and I have to start getting over her again. Except this time, I dont think I can.

Danny, come on, drink your coffee. Jen urges. Reluctantly, I sit up and take a sip.

Thanks, I say distantly.

So what are you going to do now?

Nothing, I tell her.

She watches me as I drink, until I cant take it any longer. I throw the covers off and get up.

Are you going over there? she asks hopefully.

I turn and see her optimistic face. No, I say firmly. I have unpacking to do.

Danny! You cant just give up.

Why not? I scoff. She has.

I shower and throw on some shorts and a t-shirt. Ive successfully managed to work through the hellish night. The nights are the worst, but this one was particularly bad as its precisely a week on from the night Liv walked out on me. Jen had some ridiculous idea of me having dinner with them, but that sounded like my worst nightmare. Why would I want to mark the occasion with a sombre dinner when I could be working away in my pit, unaware of the world and all the pain within it? Im so glad I have this job to do right now, or I would have driven myself nuts. But, its Saturday morning and if I dont show my face for the obligatory pancakes Im going to be in for a world of shit. Besides, there is something I need to discuss with them both.

Scott is up, dressed and looking particularly chipper when I arrive laden down with groceries.

Wow! You realise its A.M. right? I rib as I put the groceries down.

Yeah, yeah, he dismisses.

So how are you? asks Jen with her well-rehearsed tone.

Im doing okay, I say, trying not to brush her off. I know she is worried about me, but I cant do what she wants me to do. Im not chasing Liv. Jen has tried cajoling, nagging, yelling and crying. There is only bribery left, but she seems to have risen above that. She wants me to be happy, but she is wrong about how I can achieve that. I should have left the whole thing alone. But I went against my gut and this is the result. I wont make that mistake again. Im staying put. Screw Liv.

Working hard? Jen asks, this is more of an accusation.

Yes, I say like a sulky teen. But its what I need right now. Anyway, I need the moneyIve a huge credit card bill to pay. I joke, referring to the ring. But there is little humor to be found, even when the joke is my own. I sigh. How did I become the guy with two unwanted engagement rings to his name?

Jen doesnt push further.

So whose turn is it to cook? I ask, knowing full well its mine, Im just trying to change the subject. Jen rolls her eyes and sets about making coffee. Scott takes the morning papers over to the table, his usual position. Ive no idea when he became exempt from cooking, but Jen and I take turns.

I get on with mixing the batter, its second nature now, and Jen and I move about the kitchen in perfect sync with one another. I wonder distantly, how I thought it would be easy to give this up and move. I love these guys.

We make Scott do all the donkey work after breakfast; its only fair that he cleans up. Jen and I poke fun at him for our own amusement, from where we sit in the garden.

Im just not used to seeing him this alert on a Saturday morning, I tease.