Kintz - This Book is Not FOR SALE

This Book is Not FOR SALE

By Jarod Kintz

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when Im too tired to be me.

Im not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, Im dyeing my hair tonight.

I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.

I am an elevator in a one-story building. I am ascending. But my love for you is still on the ground floor, waiting for you to push the button.

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loserthats why he's number two.

I cant use my intellect to figure out how to bypass my intellect. Love lies through the spirit, not the mind, and love never lies.

Prophesies are dark and dont need a flashlight to illuminate. Im a bring my own lighthouse kind of lover.

He rose like heroes, and I rose like rows of red roses. Love grows wherever you plant it, so I try to farm it wherever I go.

Our love will blend together like turquoise is blue and green. Theres no depression or envy when both blur into one.

A bag of potato chips is not quite like a stillborn baby. Id offer you my milky nipples, but theyre covered in crumbs. Such is life.

My love burns for you like Im an arsonist and marshmallows-on-sticks salesman. $2.99 each, or 5 for $10.

Id fight for your love like Im Tyler Durden. I want you to hit on me as hard as you can.

Last night my shadow exploded into hundreds of fluttering black birds, foreshadowing my love taking flight under the cover of camouflage.

Be mindful and heartempty, because you've got no love left in it due to you having given it all away.

I can hold my alcohol, just like Im a wine bottle. I dance as fluid as glass, and my heart shatters just as easily.

Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink.

In my darkest hour I held her heart like the lunar orb that glows white is cradled by the midnight sky, and she gave me light until the sun rose in my soul.

Your personal brand is never more about you than it is when its about other people. You gain more for yourself when youre selfless, rather than selfish. My new friend Marnell Sabando exemplifies this giving is getting attitude.

Ive only been in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky finger. I could have held up my index finger, but it wasnt that long.

Im doing as well as a well. Drink of me.

Relationships are like water. If you grab tight, clamping and clenching to gain control, youll lose it all. Instead, cup your hand gently, so she feels free to drink until her thirst is quenched.

I miss her like 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, and 5 misses 8. When we made love, our two bodies formed one spiral that seemed to cycle to the sky.

Even though its locked in a cage, my heart is a bird that flutters at the sound of her voice, as if trying to fly to the point in the sky where yellow meets blue.

That point in the sky where yellow meets blue, thats a handshake I want to see at a #networking event. Sunglasses sold separately.

My heartbeat is a pulse, and it pumps out sonic vibrations that resonate with her mind as she lays her head on my chest. Listen silently and you can hear the frequency of love.

Why arent red traffic lights heart-shaped? Probably because its not like rush hour can get any more romantic.

She brews a bruise on my heart, and drinks it like a beer. She calls it love, but she would, because shes drunk on my torment.

Hard at work? Ill give you a handmy right hand. Its a handshake, for networking and encouragement purposes. Keep it up!

On a scale of 1 to extroverted, Im a 3.14159. So is pi. I network like the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. Thanks, Wikipedia!

When you give everything and expect nothing in return, only then will you be in a position to gain anything. When you love loving, you give because giving is getting. Giving is a gift unto itself, and when you realize this you understand that you cant network if you cant love.

A follow-up letter is best when not written on the back of a suicide note. Remember this next time youre at a networking event, unless your new connection is a mortician.

Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business.

#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, Im more of a birdwatcher.

I am a man of action, like a statue of a guy running. In business, when a salesman and a customer race each other, both win.

What you wear is more important than what you say, and if your shirts not pressed, impressions are instantly formed about you. Thats why I wear nothing, I say nothing, and I network with nudists.

I just bought a rotary phone, a Rolodex, and a polyester suit. Oh yes, Im now ready to start networking.

My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?

If I hung out with my clones all the time, would I be introverted or extroverted?

Im never lonelier than when Im in a crowded room, talking to nobody, awkward and isolated, trying to decide how to stand so I dont appear as if I want to start Roger Bannistering a mile away from the networking event.

Personal branding is important to me as a person. Its also important to me as a non-person. I am a rock.

Silence is downright noisy when youre a loud thinker like I am. Alone and quiet, its like a networking event in my mind all the time.

Networking is more quality, and less quantity. Its better to form a solid connection with one new person, than a liquid connection with ten. You dont want people to think you drink too much.

The only people who dont need elevator pitches are elevator salesmen. I once tried to sell an elevator to a man who owned a one-story building. He didnt buy from me, but he did sell me on the benefits of leaving his lobby without any bullet holes in my body.

Leadership is being the first to put others second. Wait, thats not right. Thats politics.

I have a problem meeting people because if I know what to say, I dont know when to say it, and if I know when to speak, I never know what to say. To me, networking events are just giant meteorological conferences where I approach everyone as if they are a weatherman as I say, So, what do you think about this crazy weather were having?

I meet people to know Im not alone. I network like an astronaut on the moon.

Its not who you know that mattersits who knows you thats important. Personal branding builds up your reputation to the point where you have a presence even in your absence.

Personal branding is sales, because youre selling an image of yourself, a mirage, and you are the product.

I go to networking events because what else am I going to do? Ive already finished my daily planning for how to take over the world.

Networking isnt synonymous with partying. If youre doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison.

I network like a Spanish Inquisitor. I am very good at extracting relevant information. And if you resist, youll only confirm your heresy.

I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you any indication of my character.

When youre embarrassed, you turn red. When I blush, I turn plaid. I network at kilt conventions, so even if I say something awkward I still look cool.