Harris O’Malley - It’s Dangerous To Go Alone

Copyright 2016 Harris O'Malley

All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Cover illustrated by Carla Speed McNeil

ISBN: 978-0-9963772-4-9

www.doctornerdlove.com

To Cat.

Always.

What I Wish Id Known Before My First Relationship

One of the great paradoxes of dating is that we tend to focus a lot on the early stages of love. We put our focus on becoming someone desirable, on finding the right person and enjoying the magical process of falling in love.

Of course, once we succeed and find ourselves in a relationship, then we tend to find ourselves lost at sea. Like Inigo Monotya, weve spent so much time seeking this goal that now that weve achieved it, we have no idea what to do with ourselves.

To be honest, its not that surprising. We live in a culture thats in love with the concept of falling in love. Pop culture is obsessed with the idea of the meet cute and the story of the happy couple getting together. Its considerably less interested in what it takes for a couple to stay together. No matter where you turn, youll find stories about happy couples meeting, falling for one another, overcoming the obstacles in their way and then

And thats it. Theres the kiss. The wedding. The little coded signifiers of yup, theyre a couple now, and then we leave them to what we assume is surely a happily ever after. The Legend of Korras Korra and Asami hold hands and head out on their next adventure. Han Solo and Leias arc ends in Return of the Jedi with a final reminder that they love each other and now theyre likely going to get married. Veronica Mars and Logan Echols get another reminder that theyre fated for one another. Kaylee Fry and Simon Tam end their story in post-coital bliss after a seasons worth of sexual tension and near-misses.

And we, the audience, are left to assume that nothing bad happens to them afterwards. We almost never see what happens to the couple after the end of the book or the credits roll. On the rare occasions we do check back, we only see the aftermath of something happened and now theyre single again. Han and Leia are no longer together because something happened split up because of reasons well never see.

As a result: we have damned few models for how relationships work. If were lucky enough to have parents in a happy marriage, then we might have a clue. But more and more often, once weve found a partner, we discover weve been tossed into the deep end of the pool and expected to learn to swim as best we can. At my site, Paging Dr. NerdLove, one of the most common refrains I hear from people is I have no idea what Im doing right now, but Im pretty sure Im doing it wrong.

This is especially true when youre dealing with your first serious relationship. Youre fumbling around in the dark, trying to make the adjustments that come when you start to share your life with another person. My first serious relationship was full of avoidable mistakes and disasters that one might charitably call learning experiences because I had no fucking clue what I was doing. I was terrified and had nowhere to turn because, honestly, most of my peers didnt have any more of an idea than I did.

Heres a secret though: all relationships are functionally like a first relationship. Every relationship is a matter of getting to know the other person, making your lifestyles and expectations mesh, learning how to tolerate each others little quirks etc. The only difference is that people whove had other relationships (hopefully) have the experience to guide them through the rough patches. Even then, however, well often find ourselves in situations where were utterly and completely lost. What does this argument really mean? Does this feeling mean that our relationship is fatally flawed? Is this a bump in the road, or is this the beginning of the end?

But thats why Im here: to help you navigate through the complex, twisted and often scary world of relationships so that hopefully you can avoid the most common mistakes. That way you can make new and different mistakes.

But joking aside: relationships are work and no matter what the songs have told you, love really isnt all you need. But with this guide, youll have a template to follow to help ease you through the trials and tribulations that come with being part of a couple.

I wont lie to you: relationships can be tough. They can be frustrating, even maddening. Youll fight and fuck, youll love each other with the passion of a thousand suns and youll want to be with anyone but them. But at the end of the day, youll know how to come together to fight past the low points and sail through the high points. Youll walk through the fire, hand in hand, and come out stronger than tempered steel on the other side.

And then, the two of you will be able to build your own happily ever after together.

The early days of a relationship are among the most magical for a couple. At this stage, love is quite literally a drug. Your brain is mainlining dopamine and norepinephrine and everything your partner does is goddamn magical. You want to spend as much time in their presence as possible because you really want another hit.

In practical, non-romantic terms, your brain is trying to get you to spend as much time with your new squeeze. This way, as you start getting habituated to the dopamine, the oxytocin has a chance to kick in. Now you may not be getting the same butterflies-and-adrenaline kick to the system when you see your sweetie, but those chemicals are encouraging the two of you to bond.

In these heady, early days, its hard to be rational about things because, goddamn it, everything feels so good. Everything about your partner is amazing and perfect and you cant imagine theyd ever break your heart or that theres a part of them that isnt made up of pizza and rainbows. But getting metaphorically high in their presence is a lot like being literally high: your brain isnt working at peak efficiency. You get caught up in the rush and make a lot of decisions you might not otherwise make in the cold light of (metaphorical) sobriety.

Everyones judgement at this stage gets hazy because our amygdala kinda shuts down and we end up eliding over a whole bunch of things that might be red flags (or at least caution signals). It feels totally rational and sensible, but like a frat boy deciding after four Tuaca Bombs that now is the perfect time to sing Shimmy Shimmy Ya at karaoke what seems like a good idea at the time doesnt necessarily pan out later.

So while youre enjoying the honeymoon stage of your relationship, its important to start building the habits and patterns now that will help solidify your relationship down the line as things settled down and you become more serious.

In this section, Im going to teach you about the things that will make sure this relationship has what it takes to go the distance. From the universal truths of