Jacqueline Hornor Plumez - The Bitch in Your Head: How to Finally Squash Your Inner Critic

THE BITCH IN YOUR HEAD

Also by Dr. Jacqueline Hornor Plumez

Mother Power

Divorcing a Corporation

Successful Adoption

The Bitch in Your Head

How to Finally Squash Your Inner Critic

Dr. Jacqueline Hornor Plumez

TAYLOR TRADE PUBLISHING

Lanham Boulder New York London

Many people shared their stories with me. Some of their names and identifying information have been changed to protect the privacy of those who wished to remain anonymous.

Published by Taylor Trade Publishing

An imprint of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.

4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706

www.rowman.com

Unit A, Whitacre Mews, 26-34 Stannary Street, London SE11 4AB, United Kingdom

Distributed by NATIONAL BOOK NETWORK

Copyright 2015 by Jacqueline Hornor Plumez

All rights reserved . No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Plumez, Jacqueline Hornor.

The bitch in your head : how to finally squash your inner critic / Dr. Jacqueline Hornor Plumez.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-4930-0790-5 (pbk. : alk. paper) ISBN 978-1-63076-119-6 (electronic)

1. Criticism, Personal. 2. Self-talk. 3. Negativism. 4. WomenPsychology. 5. Self-esteem in women. I. Title.

BF637.C74P58 2015

158.1dc23

2014046663

The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information SciencesPermanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

Printed in the United States of America

With thanks and love to my daughter, Nicole

Introducing The Bitch

You look fat.

How could you be so stupid?

You really blew it!

No one wants to hear what you have to say.

Dont even tryitll never work .

Y ouve probably said bitchy things like this to yourself. But would you ever undercut a friend that way? No. It would be too hurtful. So why would you do it to yourself?

Some people hear The Bitch in their head and think shes motivatingencouraging them to work harder or smarter. Other people think she protects them from being disappointed or arrogant. But most people are so used to self-criticism that they hardly hear The Bitch and have no idea how discouraging, demoralizing, and self-destructive she can be.

The Bitch can make life miserable in many ways. She can keep you from having a good day or a good nights sleep, from getting the love you want or the raise you deserve. By focusing on the negative and frightening, The Bitch prevents you from seeing what is positive and possible about yourself, your life, and your future.

Everyoneeven people who seem utterly secure and accomplishedhas a Bitch in her head, preying on her secret vulnerabilities. For some people, she appears in only one or two areas of their lives, but you can bet those are important areas. Other people have such a pervasive Bitch, they can hardly function.

But The Bitch can be banished! For years, Ive helped patients do just that. Once they start encouraging rather than criticizing themselves, their careers, social lives, and love lives almost magically improve. As one patient told me, I didnt realize I was carrying around an emotional backpack full of rocks, weighing me down. Now everything feels so much easier and lighter.

Yes. Its so much easier to run the race of life without all that heavy Bitch-baggage weighing you down, battering your self-esteem and sapping your energy.

Two Patients Who Introduced Me to The Bitch

Jennifer was an attractive, twenty-eight-year-old lawyer who came to me because she felt depressed. With gray eyes looking earnestly through black-rimmed glasses, she said, I dont think Im depressed enough for medication, and even if I am, I dont want to take it. But Im always feeling kind of down and I dont have the energy I used to.

Jennifer described how she worked long hours, putting constant pressure on herself to succeed and harshly criticizing any mistake she made. She rarely had time on weeknights for fun and friends, much less love. And by the time the weekend rolled around, even if she didnt have to work, she was so exhausted that, while she might go out one night, she usually just stayed home and watched TV. Sometimes she only left her apartment to go to the gym.

When I asked if she ever gave herself time off for fun, she said, Mostly I just keep up with friends on Facebook. I empathized and understood why she felt depressed.

The other patient, Lana, suffered from low self-esteem. The first time I saw her in my waiting room, my brain registered, Las Vegas show girl. But like many beautiful women, this curvy blonde was insecure about her looks. She rarely left her house without makeup and said she would never, ever go to a department store without being very well dressed.

Lanas husband had left her for another woman, and Lana was sure any new man would reject her if he discovered the truth: She was flat chested. Her hips were balanced by a well-padded bra. She was saving up for breast-implant surgery and didnt want to date until that operation.

Psychologists say things such as Its not healthy to be so hard on yourself to patients like Jennifer. To Lana they might say, Why do you think thats true? or When did you start having such a negative self-image? Ive tried these gentle approaches. They usually dont work.

Then one Friday morning, after a week when every other patient Id seen had been self-critical, I noticed that Jennifer and Lana were next on my schedule.

I was planning to talk to Jennifer, once again, about her tyranny of the shouldshow her life was controlled by what she thought she should do instead of what she wanted to do. And about how she was afraid that her life would unravel if she lightened up on herself even a little bit. But when our session began a few minutes after eight, Jennifer started berating herself in a new way.

Im an idiot, she claimed. I should have gotten an MBA instead of going to law school. Id be making a lot more money.

I thought you liked what you do, I said.

I do...

And didnt you tell me you hated economics in college?

Yes...

Instead of exploring why she was always so mean to herself, I blurted out, Boy, are you a bitch!

Jennifers eyes widened. Her body pulled back into her chair as if I had struck her. I waited a few seconds before adding, to yourself. We had one of our most productive sessions after that. For the first time, she seemed to understand how inappropriately hard she was on herself.

During my next session, Lana, who had the day off but still showed up in full makeup and a beautifully tailored suit, said shed turned down a date with a cute guy at her gym. My Bitch line had worked so well with Jennifer that I decided to use it again. Lana initially reacted in horror that her psychologist, the previously kind Dr. Plumez, was cursing at her. But then, as with Jennifer, the shock value helped break through her resistance so the process of self-acceptance could begin.

Would you ever tell your daughter that she was too unattractive to appear in public without makeup? Or that she shouldnt even bother trying to date without a D-cup? I asked.

No.

Why?

It would make her feel bad... discourage her, Lana replied.

And how do you think she would feel if you followed her around all day, saying the mean things to her that you say to yourself?