Lauren Dubois - 15 July

First published in 2019

Copyright Lauren Dubois 2019

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to the Copyright Agency (Australia) under the Act.

Allen & Unwin

83 Alexander Street

Crows Nest NSW 2065

Australia

Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100

Email:

Web: www.allenandunwin.com

ISBN 978 1 76087 547 3

eISBN 978 1 76087 167 3

Set by Midland Typesetters, Australia

Cover design: Christabella Designs

Cover photo: Amanda Thorson

For my children

You made me a mum and taught me everything I know and love about motherhood, including how hard it is to write a whole book. With you. All over me. All of the time.

Contents

In a small brown room, wallpapered with posters for meningococcal vaccinations and breastfeeding classes, a circle of women sat on green plastic chairs, cradling their brand-new babies, hoping everyone could see how well they were coping.

The smiles were fixed, and appearances were being kept, until the voice of one brave woman cut through.

This is really hard, she said. Why didnt anyone tell us it would be this hard?

Her white flag was an amnesty for the group, giving us the freedom to tell the truth.

Oh but they did tell us, I replied. We just didnt believe them.

Id been told motherhood was hard. Toughest job in the world! they said.

I heard them. I believed it was hard for them.

It wont be like that for me, I thought. Im smart. I can do things. Im a capable, successful woman.

You can imagine my surprise when I learnt that being educated would mean nothing when it came to my parenting skills. Im still in shock, to be honest.

My initiation into motherhood was a storm that gusted and howled at the sands of my souland its very first blow was to my ego.

Yelling at my little hurricane I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE! (a super healthy thing to do) shouldve been a clue that I wasnt coping with the complete loss of control or my inability to succeed.

One of the first truths of parenting I learnt was: you cant study your way out of it.

Being a mother is not something you can learn from a book #irony #thanksforyourpurchase. Even though, technically, there is a manual for parenting. There are thousands of books and millions of internet pages. Theres more information on parenting than any human being could ever digest and it still wont teach you how to actually be a parent.

Parenthood is one of those learn-on-the-job kinda gigs, like an apprenticeship. But its an apprenticeship that never really ends. Youre a lifelong trainee, constantly working towards, but never quite achieving full qualification.

But heres the thing: YOU WILL (probably) SURVIVE. Sure, therell be days when youll start saying goodbye to your loved ones, convinced the end is near, but ultimately, youll pull through. Youll be bruised and battered, like an overripe banana sitting in the bottom of your backpack, and pieces of you might break, fall off or disappear altogether, but YOU WILL SURVIVE. Probably. You might even thrive. Maybe.

Sharing your war stories is an excellent coping technique. Please note: this does not mean handing out unsolicited advice. Good lord, please dont be one of those people. Those people are the ingrown toenails of the parenting world. Lets all agree: we dont tell anyone how to parent, but we can tell them our stories so they feel less alone.

So this is what Im doing right now: letting you know some of the things you might not have been told about parenthood so that when you get there, youll know youre not the only one going through it.

Im also going to tell you stuff theyve probably already told you, but you didnt really believe. BELIEVE ME. Its easier if you know

But who is they?

You know! The sprawling civilisation of They! Its all of them. Its your mum and your sisters and your aunties and your cousins. Its your friends and your random colleague Sharon who has a sixteen-month-old child, so you know shes an expert in all areas of child rearing and she really, really needs you to know everything shes learnt. They are the movies and TV shows youve grown up watching.

And lets not forget the expertsthe parenting experts who can never agree on a goddamn thing, and the medical professionals who have a special talent for making you feel like an idiot every time you ask a question. And, of course, theres the online world of forums, bloggers and social media where parenting is an extreme sporta competition for likes and commentswhere anonymity means everyones a target for the sanctimummy. Shes the sanctimonious mother who is absolutely perfect (in her unhumble opinion) and cant wait to tell you why youre doing it all wrong.

They are all the voices buzzing in your ear about parenthood. But you know what? None of them are giving you the full story.

But I will. Im going to tell you the whole, real, glorious, uncomfortable and unforgiving truth about motherhood.

And the very first thing I want you to know is: EVERYTHING changes. Absolutely everything. Your life, your relationship, your friendships you change. The minute a baby is placed in your arms, you start a journey of change, piece by piece, evolving until you are no longer just you, you are mum. Its one of the most overwhelming, amazing and humbling experiences youll ever go through, and it can be bloody sobering to realise, a few months in, that this new world of yours is so incredibly irreversible.

Once your child is here, youre a mother. For life.

But heres the most important thing to know, and I want you to remember it as you read this book: most of us choose to do it all again. We whinge and complain about how hard it is, how exhausted we are, how inadequate we feel every damn day and yet every one of us will tell you its worth it. Theyre worth it.

SO worth it.

Dear Mum-to-be,

Congratulations, youre pregnant! How are you feeling? Excited? Scared?

Dont worry, youll be fine. Women have been doing it for thousands of years, they say! Most natural thing in the world!

And with those comments (often uttered by men, because gosh its fun when men share their opinions on pregnancy, dont you think?), theyve dismissed everything about creating a human that makes it such an achievement. Because growing a baby isnt just getting a big belly and feeling nauseous for a few weeks.

Oh, sister, no. Its a tad more involved than that.

Pregnancy is the most bizarre and mystifying thing your body will ever go through. And I mean that in the least terrifying way possible. I mean, sure, you might go through it skipping and laughing and rubbing that glorious belly of yours in everyones face. Thats entirely possible and I wish you all the best with that.

It is, however, a little more likely that your entire body will swell, transform and totally reconfigure itself to make way for the parasite bundle of joy invading your abdomen and pushing down on your genitalia until it feels like the whole mess could fall right out of your body.