Ken Page - Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction _amp; Discover the Power of Intimacy

Among the best manuals for succeeding in finding and keeping love we have seen. Ken Page shows you, with many illustrations and exercises, how to prepare for the ultimate relationship with someone who is just right for you.

Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD, authors of Keeping the Love You Find and Making Marriage Simple

If you are truly ready for big, heart-opening, lasting romantic love, this workshop-in-a-book offers the proven step-by-step process. Highly recommended.

Arielle Ford, author of The Soulmate Secret

A beautiful journey into deeper intimacy; an inspiring and important guidebook for everyone seeking authentic love.

Judith Orloff, MD, author of The Ecstasy of Surrender

Deeper Dating was a revelation for me. This enlightening book helped me to see the way we go about dating deeply influences the kind of relationship that will emergeif you desire a soulmate, lead with your soul.

Chip Conley, best-selling author of Emotional Equations and Peak

ABOUT THE BOOK

Lose weight. Act confident. Play hard to get. This approach to dating doesnt lead to love, it leads to insecurity and loneliness. In Deeper Dating, psychotherapist Ken Page offers a new path to finding meaningful and lasting relationships. Learn how to attract people who love you for who you really are, become more self-assured and emotionally available, and lose your taste for relationships that diminish your self-esteem. With exercises, practical tools, and inspiring stories, Deeper Dating will guide you on a journey to find the loveand personal fulfillmentyou long for.

KEN PAGE, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and author of the popular Psychology Today blog Finding Love. Ken has led hundreds of workshops on intimacy and spirituality for thousands of participants. He has taught at Columbia University, the Omega Institute, Iona College, Rowe Conference Center, and the Garrison Institute. Ken founded Deeper Dating in 2004 as an event platform in which trained facilitators speak on sexuality, intimacy, and spirituality in the world of dating and then lead participants in a series of fun and enriching exercises. The live events he has led provide an alternative to the bar scene and superficial dating events. They have drawn thousands of men and women of all ages and sexual orientations and have received much media attention.

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DEEPER DATING

How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy

KEN PAGE, LCSW

Shambhala

Boston & London

2015

Shambhala Publications, Inc.

Horticultural Hall

300 Massachusetts Avenue

Boston, Massachusetts 02115

www.shambhala.com

2015 by Ken Page

Cover design and illustration by Kathleen Lynch/Black Kat Design

Poem in chapter 10 reprinted from Call Me By My True Name (1999) by Thich Nhat Hahn with permission of Parallax Press.

Case studies drawn from the authors private practice have been changed when necessary to protect privacy. This publication is solely for personal growth and education, and should not be treated as a substitute for professional assistance. The author and publisher disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk that is incurred as a consequence of the use of the contents of this book. Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time, they do not assume liability for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Page, Ken, 1956

Deeper dating: how to drop the games of seduction and discover the power of intimacy / Ken Page, LCSW.First edition.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

eISBN 978-0-8348-2992-3

ISBN 978-1-61180-122-4 (pbk.: alk. paper)

1. Intimacy (Psychology) 2. Man-woman relationships. 3. Interpersonal relations. 4. Dating (Social customs) I. Title.

BF575.I5P34 2015

646.77dc23

2014007483

To my family and my friends.

Youve made me such a lucky man.

Contents

The New Map to Love

When I fall in love, it will be forever

Or Ill never fall in love.

When I Fall in Love,

VICTOR YOUNG AND EDWARD HEYMAN

Ive always loved the song When I Fall in Love. Its childlike certainty is haunting and wise, but it certainly hasnt been my story. And perhaps it hasnt been yours. For most of us, the search for love has been anything but simple. And its no wonderweve been handed a map to love that guides us away from true intimacy. What do I mean when I say this? Look at the cover of almost any of the magazines that claim to help with dating. What are they telling you to do? Lose weight, dress better, play hard to get, act confident, get out there morein other words, fix yourself if you ever hope to find love.

Thats not self-improvement. Thats self-punishment in camouflage. And self-punishment doesnt lead to healthy love. Instead of helping us to embrace our true selves, the singles world teaches us to improve our packaging. When we finally pause long enough to stop blaming ourselves for our imperfections, we see that this approach ultimately fails.

Think about it: Are the young, gorgeous, witty people you know really more likely to be in healthy, loving relationships? I very much doubt it. Because those arent the traits that lead to lasting love! More dates? Probably. More opportunities for sex? Almost definitely. But lasting love? Not at all.

The path to a loving relationship is about something much more profound, essential, and life changing than we have ever been taught. The real search for love is about embracing our most authentic self, sharing that true self with the precious people who know how to honor it, and learning to offer others the same in return. The amazing paradox is that the parts of our personality we think we must fix in order to find love are usually the keys to finding that love. On the path youll be taking, the focus wont be on fixing yourself; it will be on honoring and expressing your innate gifts. And that changes everything. Instead of holding the whip of self-improvement over yourself, as many of us have spent so much time doing, you will learn to value, trust, and express what I call your Core Gifts.

What are Core Gifts? They are simply your points of deepest sensitivity to life. You will find them in the things that inspire you most, the things that touch you most deeplyand in the things that hurt you the most. Often we think we need to conceal these vulnerable parts of ourselves, to hide them or fix them in order to make ourselves more attractive, but the absolute reverse is true: they are the bullet train to authentic intimacy. When we learn to lead with our Core Gifts, our lives shift on their very axes. Our personal magnetism becomes stronger. We experience more passion and more connection to ourselves and others. Most important, we move closer to the love that may have previously eluded us, a love that empowers us and brings us joy.