Kelaher - Here to Make Friends: How to Make Friends as an Adult: Advice to Help You Expand Your Social Circle, Nurture Meaningful Relationships, and Build a Healthier, Happier Social Life

Copyright text 2020 Hope Kelaher. Copyright concept and design 2020 by Ulysses Press and its licensors. All rights reserved. Any unauthorized duplication in whole or in part or dissemination of this edition by any means (including but not limited to photocopying, electronic bulletin boards, and the internet) will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Published by:

Ulysses Press

P.O. Box 3440

Berkeley, CA 94703

www.ulyssespress.com

ISBN: 978-1-64604-051-3

Acquisitions editor: Casie Vogel

Managing editor: Claire Chun

Project editor: Claire Sielaff

Editor: Renee Rutledge

Proofreader: Jessica Benner

Front cover design: Malea Clark-Nicholson

Cover artwork: Eugenia Petrovskaya/shutterstock.com

Production: Jake Flaherty

NOTE TO READERS: This book is independently authored and published and no sponsorship or endorsement of this book by, and no affiliation with, any celebrities, television shows, movies, characters, or trademarked products mentioned within is claimed or suggested. All celebrities, television shows, movies, characters, or trademarked products that appear in this book belong to their respective owners and are used here for informational purposes only. The author and publishers encourage readers to patronize the quality shows, movies, and other products mentioned in this book.

Making friends is hard. In fact, I think it is one of the hardest things to doespecially nowadays. Unlike finding a romantic relationship or even a casual hookup, which are at the tip of our fingers with dating apps, finding friends requires putting yourself out there without a date or a plan. Theres no definitive end goal in friendships like there is in a romantic relationship. Maybe you meet a few interesting people at a bar or a party, but then you have to deal with the follow-through. Maybe they seemed funny at first, but you later realize that they are terribly boring. Maybe you are too adventurous? Maybe the two of you do click, but then they go their way and you yours. What if you are all in, but they are all out?

Friend-finding is like fishing. Casting out the line and, several reels and hooks in, waiting for a bite. It can be tiring. And lets not forget about those days when you dont catch anything at all. How frustrating!

These days we all seem to be casting wide nets hoping to catch fishexcuse mefind friends. Every day were tallying and logging Snaps, Friends, and Insta likes, but then what? Who is actually looking up from their device and saying to themselves, I am going to DM this person because I want to get to know them better? Sure, this may happen every now and then, but we all know that sliding into DMs is more of a hookup thing than a friend-finding move. We are a society glued to our screens and our virtual friends, because it is far easier to get to know someone without really getting to know someone. I too am a culprit of this. On Facebook, I recently started following this girl who lives in my neighborhood and went to my high school. I think her brother even dated a relative of mine. I digress. Her feed comes up frequently. I know her name, her husbands name, her childs name, and even where she lives. Full disclosure: As Im writing this, Im realizing how creepy this sounds, especially since I have never had enough courage to approach this person in real life. BUT shes my Facebook friend! Please tell me that I am not alone here!

The fact is that we live in a very different age of friendship than our predecessors did. In our world, physical communities are smaller and more transient. We have more expansive online social networks but fewer people there for us at the drop of a hat. More of us are in the gig economy where we migrate from job to job and workplace to workplace. Maybe we work in a shared workspace or from home. The truth is that we have fewer real-life opportunities than our parents did to meet possible friends around the office watercooler. How can we not feel slightly nostalgic for the days when friendships of utility, pleasure, and commitment were easily fostered in the workplace?

The reality is that we all need friends, and good ones at that. This book is meant for the introvert who struggles to find the energy to get out there and meet people, the extrovert who has too many friends but not enough good ones, those who struggle with social anxiety, the person who has limited access to community, and the person struggling to bridge the gap between their many virtual friends and their real-life friends. With customized strategies for whichever type or types of person you are, this book offers reassurance that, while friend-finding is hard, it can be done!

As a relational and systemic therapist, I think about the relationships that individuals have with themselves on an intrapsychic level, and the relationships that they have within a variety of contexts. As a result, I often find myself working with young people who are dealing with multiple life-course transitions, such as graduating college, starting a new job, or moving to the Big Apple. Many seek my help because of two common struggles: feelings of loneliness and the longing for community. These individuals are often struck by how much effort it takes to find their people while simultaneously navigating feelings brought on by adulting. Even people who are settled in their careers know how difficult it can be to balance long work hours and a social life. More young and middle-age adults are seeking assistance in overcoming other barriers to making friends, such as social anxiety disorder, depression, introversion, and social awkwardness. In fact, its normal to struggle with making friends, especially at times in your life that are full of change or transition.

Adults who have had success in finding and making friends often struggle in maintaining these friendships while managing other responsibilities. I often hear clients joke that maybe they should take their friends into counseling to work out relationship challenges as they would with a lover, partner, sibling, or family member. The irony here is that friendship is at the core of so many kinds of relationships but appears to be the one relational topic neglected the most. A common misconception is that making and keeping friends is an EASY thing. The reality is that no relationship is easy! Friendships sustain us through heartbreaks, difficulties, happiness, and lifes hardships, so its important that we nurture them as much as we nurture our other kinds of relationships. When thinking about the dynamics of friendship, Im reminded of the popular sitcom The Golden Girls and its catchy theme song, Thank You for Being a Friend.

The sitcom, for those who are not familiar, focuses on the triumphs and challenges that four older womenwho end up being roommates by happenstanceencounter together and how they persevere thanks to the strength of their friendship. Its not surprising that this sitcom received critical acclaim and several awards. In fact, almost all beloved sitcoms, from Friends to How I Met Your Mother, revolve around a core group of friends. They all speak to something that we as humans covetto be seen and heard by others in the best and worst of times without judgment. Truthfully, friendship may be one of the most rewarding human experiences life has to offer.

The contents of this bookits guidance and strategies for finding and keeping close friendshipshave deep meaning for me on a personal level. The close friendships in my life have provided me shelter, comfort, and companionship in some of my most difficult moments. My hope is to share with you some research on friendship and practical ways to find and sustain close, meaningful friendships as an adult. Throughout the book I share examples of those who have embarked on their friendship journey. Their names and any other identifying information have been changed to protect their identity. My hope is that, by the time you finish this book, you will view friendship in a new light and move into the right frame of mind for making new friends and nurturing your old friendships. For those who are more introverted, I offer strategies to increase your energy to maximize your friend-finding capacity. For those who suffer from social anxiety, I provide strategies to help you alleviate these difficult feelings and feel more confident in yourself as you meet new people. For those who always have plans with friends but no one to support you when the going gets tough, I will help you develop skills for creating more intimate relationships. If you are seeking new friends because of past unhealthy or toxic relationships, I will help you identify the indicators of both healthy and unhealthy friendships.