Hazel Edwards - Friends: How to Make and Keep Them

Friends

How to make and keep them

Dr Helen McGrath
Hazel Edwards

Copyright Dr Helen McGrath and Hazel Edwards 1997, 1999, 2014

Published in 2014 Garnet (www.hazeledwards.com)

Published in 1999 by CHOICE Books

First published by HarperCollinsPublishers in 1997

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher in writing. No part of this publication may be used in any form of advertising, sales promotion or publicity.

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-publication data

McGrath, Helen

[Friends, love, sex]

Friends: a practical guide to understanding relationships.

Friends: How to make and keep them

ISBN: 978-0-9871575-9-1 (e-book)

1. Friendship. 2. Social interaction. 3. Social interaction - Case studies. 4. Social interaction -Problems, exercises, etc. 5. Man-woman relationships. I. Edwards, Hazel, 1945- . II. Title. III. Title: Friends, love, sex.

Cover design by Jeff Young

Cover photograph CO The Photo Library

Illustrations by Jane Cafarella

Contents

Preface

A book like this represents the distillation of many peoples experiences, thoughts and feelings. Our extensive research and theory was supported by more than two hundred people, men and women, who talked to us about their friends and the importance of friendship in their lives.

We thank them for sharing.

In recognition of some of the intimacies discussed, we have used pseudonyms and changed some identifying details in order to respect their confidences.

The book is a celebration of friendship, and the many variations of this complex, and yet simply satisfying, relationship.

DR HELEN MCGRATH
HAZELEDWARDS

Introduction

A friend is one

to whom one may pour

out all the contents

of ones heart

chaff and grain together

knowing that the

gentlest of hands

will take and sift it

keep what is worth keeping

and with a breath of kindness

blow the rest away

Arabian proverb

Friendship is a voluntary relationship that is characterised by two people liking and caring for each other, enjoying each others company, encouraging each other and being supportive. Friendship involves feelings of loyalty, trust, respect and a willingness to share emotional intimacies. Sometimes this intimacy is expressed by people sharing personal experiences, by doing favours or helping each other out and even sometimes by a bit of physical rough-housing on the sports field.

What do I expect of a friend? Loyalty. Trust. Prepared to be open. Enjoyment of each others company. Interested in each other. Being prepared to offer and being receptive to offers. With acquaintances youre inclined to be more circumspect. Confidentiality is important in a friendship. Most men expect to be able to trust their friend to speak up for them, keep quiet when appropriate and be on their side. Men also trust male friends not to make sexual advances to their own sexual partner.

Joel (43), banker

Statistics are rarely kept on friendships. Marriage break-ups can be measured by divorce figures, but friendship is harder to research because friends generally dont break up in public. A few friendships fade. Most, however, quietly and consistently grow stronger.

Even agreeing on terms is difficult. There are mates and close friends. There are best friends, significant friends and convenient friends. There are even people who have been lovers in the past, but are now just friends.

TAKE THE FRIENDSHIP QUIZ: FACTS OR FALLACIES?

Decide whether the following statements are mostly true or mostly false.

ANSWERS

1. False. For some people, friendship seems to be a natural process but for most people the skills of making and keeping friends can be learnt.

2. False. No friend is perfect. Its inevitable that at some point you will feel that a friend is not there when you need them. They have their own lives to lead, and sometimes you may have to wait in line. Mostly, however, a true friend doesnt let you down.

3. False. They can. Even if there is some sexual tension you can choose to ignore it.

4. False. Many adults have more than one best friend. A lot depends upon your particular circumstances.

5. False. Sometimes circumstances mean that you dont have a close friend. This doesnt mean that you cant.