Nelson - Frientimacy: 10 Ways to Improve Your Friendships and Deepen Your Life

Advance praise for Frientimacy

Every woman can relate to the feeling of having plenty of Facebook friends or contacts to scroll through in her phone but still longing for the intimate connections she had with childhood friends, back when her BFF was her everything. I know I can. As I read through Nelsons description of why women experience lonelinessbecause we lack close connections, not because we dont know enough peopleI found myself wondering how she got in my head. Anyone who has admired intimate friendships in pop culture and wondered Why dont I have that? will want to pick up this book.

Rachel Bertsche, bestselling author of

MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend

Shasta Nelson has put her finger on the pulse of our cultural malaise: We need good friends to have a happy life, but we are disconnected from one another. Repair takes, insight, courage, and strength, and Shasta provides outstanding encouragement for us to get up, snap ourselves out of our self-defeating patterns, and create the friendships that our souls are longing for. Frientimacy has already changed my life, and it will change yours.

Marilyn Paul, bestselling author of

Its Hard to Make a Difference When You Cant Find Your Keys

If you desire friends you can count on and grow with, who will support and see you, who make your life more full and fun, then youve got to read Frientimacy. Shasta Nelson has taken a bold stand to end loneliness and replace it with the deep and nourishing bonds of sisterhood we all need and crave.

Christine Arylo, bestselling author of

Madly in Love with ME and Reform Your Inner Mean Girl

I used to get a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach when I read articles about how women with a close circle of friends live longer. I had such a hard time developing satisfying friendships after a certain age. I was lonely! But not anymore, and I attribute part of that ability to connect to Shasta Nelson wisdom. If you wantand need!deeper friendships, then please read this wise and useful book.

Jennifer Louden, bestselling author of

The Womans Comfort Book and The Life Organizer

Compassionate and encouraging, Shasta Nelson teaches how to not only make friends but create deep connections and avoid expectation hangovers in our friendships. I am so grateful for this book, and all the loving, connected, and lasting friendships it will create.

Christine Hassler, bestselling author of

20 Something, 20 Everything

The best friendships never have been simple.... Lo and behold, Shasta Nelsons gentle urgings toward self-improvement result in vastly more satisfying friendships.

Theresa Donovan Brown, co-author of

The Social Sex: A History of Female Friendship

Even women with large numbers of friends yearn for close, intimate friendships: Relationships that are easy and forgiving, and that allow friends to communicate in shorthand yet feel understood. In Frientimacy, Shasta Nelson offers practical advice to help women hone the skills and mindsets that are fundamental to the development of healthier, more satisfying friendships.

Irene S. Levine, author of

Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend

Many women feel they have enough friends but are stuck feeling unsatisfied... Frientimacy is a thorough and indispensible guide to help understand whats missing, and learn how to take the next steps to connect in the most fulfilling ways possible.

Andrea Bonior, PhD, author of

The Friendship Fix and the Washington Post Express column Baggage Check

Copyright 2016 Shasta Nelson

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers who may quote brief excerpts in connection with a review.

ISBN 978-1-58005-608-3

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

Published by

SEAL PRESS

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

1700 Fourth Street

Berkeley, California

Sealpress.com

Cover Design: Kara Davison/Faceout Studio | Interior Design: Kate Basart/Union Pageworks

Printed in the United States of America

Distributed by Publishers Group West

To the community of women in GirlFriendCircles.com: Thank you for heeding the call of your heart to be more connected to others; may you be blessed with courage as you build your frientimacy, and may you rest in trust that you are gifting the world with more love.

And to my husband, Greg, whose long walks and endless talks with me not only helped me articulate what I felt called to say in this book but also whose love gave me the courage to say it.

Table of Contents

Contents

Before you start, we have a gift for you!

Frientimacy Gift Pack

Includes:

The Frientimacy Workbook: to help you reflect on and practice the concepts in this book.

The Frientimacy Quiz: which you can take both before and after reading the book. Find out how much your frientimacy increases!

Two different book club guides: Frientimacy 1X (for groups meeting once) or Frientimacy 4X (for groups meeting just once or four times).

Download your free copy at Frientimacy.com.

It seems impossible to love people who hurt and disappoint us, yet there are no other kinds of people.

Frank Andrews, author of The Art and Practice of Loving

C hances are high that you have an intimacy gap in your life.

Im not referring to the intimacy of a romantic relationship, but rather the lack of depth many of us feel in our friendship intimacy, or frientimacy. That is, a gap between the kind of friendships you want to have and the ones you do have. This isnt to say your friends arent great people, or that youre not a great friend. This is to say that, if youre like most people, something in you knows that you have the capacity to both give and receive far more support, love, and intimacy than you currently enjoy.

This is because were social beings. We dont just thrive on feeling emotionally connected to others; research shows that were wired to connect with othersthat we actually function best when we feel we are woven tightly into relationships. Unfortunately, too often in this day and age we feel less connected than wed likeno matter how many social media friends or connections we have.

Here are some ways that many women have expressed this desire:

I am over being networked; I just want a few close friends.

I am ready for comfortable.

I have a social life, but thats different than feeling really connected.

I just want to feel like I belong.

I long for more relaxed time to connect with the people I love.

I prefer deep.

I want friends I believe in and admire.

I want to feel accepted.

I want to know that someone is there for me.

I want to laugh and tell secrets with someone I trust.

I wish I had a tribe.

Id give anything to be surrounded by friendsreally, really good friends.

If just one of the lines above speaks to you, then know that what you want is very human. Its the bravest, healthiest, and most loving among us who will admit our desire for greater frientimacy. Know, too, that youre not alone. I believe we live in a world where the need is nearly universal. Our sense of disconnection is far more cultural than it is circumstantial, more widespread than it is personal.