Owen OKane - Ten Times Happier

CONTENTS

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First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2020

Copyright Owen OKane 2020

Owen OKane asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

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Source ISBN: 9780008378233

Ebook Edition 2020 ISBN: 9780008378240

Version: 2020-04-16

This is dedicated to every client who has shared their story with me and allowed me the privilege of journeying with them on the road to a happier life.

D o you ever feel disappointed with your life and have a sense that you could be happier than you currently are? If so, I believe that this is fully achievable on the condition that you are willing to let go of some of the stuff in life thats holding you back.

This belief, based on my twenty-five years experience working in frontline physical and mental health services, motivated me to write Ten Times Happier. Whatever your story, I believe you can be happier than you are now, whether thats twice as happy or ten times happier!

Working as a therapist I see people suffering every day. Its possible life may have dealt you some very harsh cards. But have you ever considered that you, unwittingly, might be adding to your suffering more than you realize? I truly believe this is one of the key reasons people struggle in life. You have a powerful role in turning this around.

I want to be honest from the start: if you are expecting a quick-fix, hoping-and-wishing, affirmation-based approach to finding happiness, you wont find it here. Im not that type of person or therapist. What I am is passionate about helping people lead happier, more fulfilled lives by teaching them to understand why they struggle, and how they can move forward.

Reading this book in itself will not change your life but acting on the solutions will. I can promise you that.

If Im offering solutions for a happier life, then I owe it to you to tell you some of my story.

I am a psychotherapist trained in several types of therapy that can help with managing everyday life problems, emotions and the mind. I have a dual medical and psychotherapy background with over twenty-five years experience of working in healthcare, some of which I spent caring for the terminally ill, and some working as a clinical lead for an NHS mental health service in London.

I am also a writer. My first book Ten to Zen tackled finding calm in life. I wanted this new book to look at happiness because, lets be honest, who doesnt want to be happier?

Outside of my professional life, I know what its like to struggle. Its what drew me to my job. I think its important to tell you this. I am not a person who lives in a constant bubble of smiling joy and platitudes. That would be painful to inflict on anyone.

I grew up in Belfast, Northern Ireland, during The Troubles, within an ordinary working-class family. It was a very traumatic time for me living in what can be best described as a war zone for most of my formative years.

I was also badly bullied in my youth, with a sense of not fitting in which I later discovered was the result of my sexuality making me feel different playing a huge part in my early story. Trust me when I say that being Irish, Catholic and gay back in the Seventies, Eighties and Nineties was not a walk in the park. I guess it was a triple threat of sorts. That said, there was also a lot of love around which kept me sane.

I left Ireland in my early twenties for London, where I met my partner Mark, and we now live together with our dog, Kate. Over the years, I have developed my career, travelled the world and worked hard at turning a difficult past into a learning experience. I had to unlearn and let go of many things. I believe in making the best of my life. I also believe happiness is important.

In summary, happiness didnt come easy for me, so everything Im talking about in this book, I say as a professional and as a person who has walked the walk!

When I talk about happiness, I dont want to offer a definition of what happiness will look like for you. I dont think anyone can do that. You will know what a happier life will look like, whether thats feeling more content, free, relaxed, unburdened, or authentic. It could be one thing; it may be many.

For me, I am happiest when I am at ease with myself and the people in my life. Its not always a natural state. Sometimes it can go away, of course, but thankfully I know the way back. This is ultimately what I want to share with you. Getting you back on track to your happiness, whatever that means. But it involves effort, commitment and willingness to start letting go of the things that get in your way. Ill explain.

When I was planning this book, I agonized over how I would structure it in a way that was meaningful and would make sense to everyone who would read it. I had an epiphany moment one day when I was out walking my dog. To be honest, I was clearing up the dogs poop when a question came to mind: What do most people you treat struggle with? And that laid the foundation for this book!

We are all driven by three systems at any given moment:

Threat: anxiety, fear, protective mechanisms, guarded behaviours, avoidance

Drive: achieving, distracting, fast living, substances to help us cope

Soothe: self-soothing strategies that help us manage life (e.g. meditating, time out, self-compassion, soothing voice)

Almost every person I have ever treated in therapy wants to be a little happier. Most are driven by the threat and drive systems which are not in balance, and few of them can self-soothe. Despite coming to me with vastly different stories, almost 100 per cent of my clients have presented with similar themes that interfere with their happiness. Directly or indirectly they all link to the threat and drive systems being activated.

Ive identified the top ten key themes:

1.The past

2.The mind

3.Regrets

4.Worry

5.Other people

6.Unhelpful behaviours

7.Blaming

8.Comparing

9.Addiction to drama

10.The future

All of these behaviours and preoccupations contribute significantly to feelings of unhappiness. I believe for each one you tackle by engaging more with your soothing system along with more adaptive coping strategies, which Ill be teaching you you have the opportunity to be happier than when you started.