Tim Burke - Die Happy: 499 Things Every Guys Gotta Do While He Still Can

DIE HAPPY . Copyright 2006 by Tim Burke and Michael Burke. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address St. Martins Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

Book design by Jonathan Bennett

Illustrations by Mark Matcho

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Burke, Tim, 1972-

Die happy : 499 things every guys gotta do while he still can / Tim Burke and Michael Burke.

p. cm.

ISBN-10: 0-312-35620-X (pbk.) ISBN-13: 978-0-312-35620-0

1. TravelGuidebooks. 2. MenTravelGuidebooks.

I. Title: 499 things every guys gotta do while he still can.

II. Title: Four hundred ninety-nine things every guys gotta do while he still can. III. Burke, Michael, 1975 IV. Title.

G153.4.B85 2006

910.81dc22

2006040026

First Edition: May 2006

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

CONTENTS

New Years Eve. San Sebastian Festival. Quebec Winter Carnival. Mardi Gras. Carnival. St. Pattys Day. Running of the Bulls. Nudes-a-Poppin Pageant. La Tomatina. Burning Man. Oktoberfest. Fantasy Fest. Exotic Erotic Ball. Halloween. Music Festivals. Film Fests. Full Moon Party. Playboy Mansion. Scuba Diving. Shark Diving. Fly Fishing. Deep Sea Fishing. Kayaking/Rafting. Golf. Hiking/Trekking. Biking. Snowboarding/Skiing. Safari. Races. Super Bowl. Final Four. The Masters. Spring Training. Frozen Four. Kentucky Derby. Indy 500. World Cup. Olympics. Boxing Match at Caesars Palace. Bull Fight. Baseball Parks. NFL Stadiums. College Football Stadiums. Spring Break. Amsterdam. Greek Islands. lbiza. Iceland. All- Inclusive Resorts. Bachelor Party Destinations. Europe by Rail. Australia. Island Hopping. Southeast Asian Journey. Road-Trippin North America. British Isles Pub Tour. South America. Russia. Jet Ski Guy. Ski Resort Employee. Cruise Ship Bartender. Casino Dealer. Adventure Tour Guide. Actor/Extra. Travel Writer. Lifeguard. Cab Driver. Dude Rancher. Golf Course Marshall. Video Game Tester. Reality Show. Band Member/Roadie. Teach English Abroad. Pub Crawls. Poker Tournament. Grunk Dolf. Paintball. Parties. Impersonation Weekend. Rent a Porsche. Destination Unknown. Crash a Wedding. Motivational Scare Tactics. Top Ten Lists. Your Own Top 25 List. Year 1. Year 2. Year 3. Year 4. Your Check It Off Accomplishments.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Wed like to thank Tims wife, Jennifer, for her support, tolerance, and sense of humor. Dan Lazar, our dutiful agent. Ben Sevier, our helpful editor. Every guy who said, Oh yeah, Ive got a story for you. Our brother, Brian. And, of course, our parents, who hopefully will find this book amusing, not appalling.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS

All stories are used here thanks to our friends and their own interpretation of their lives. Sure, they may have embellished a little, but they never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Some names have also been changed on the off chance somebody runs for president.

INTRODUCTION

H ey, lets face it, there are certain things in life that unfortunately come with an expiration date. Yes, it sucks. And most likely, you wont even realize this until it is way, way too late. It may hit you as youre standing with a pricing gun loosely gripped in your hand while your bride-to-be debates which bathroom towel she longs to put on the registry. Or it could come to you later when youre trying to put together one lousy poker night with the guys, only to be trumped by a shower of some kind at Mark and Betsys new townhouse. Or it could creep up on you one evening as youre sitting down at the kitchen table perusing dozens of vacation brochures, only to notice that every single cover has a mascot on it. It might be an animal, a pirate, or a mermaid... it doesnt matter. Your life is no longer what it once was. For most of us, its not a matter of if this scenario will happen; its purely a matter of when.

Dont get us wrong, setting down is really not that bad. Marriage, kids, and the whole bit is a good thing. However, you have to trust us when we tell you that the window for many unbelievable experiences is only open for a limited time.Just think about it. You cannot (for reasons we all understand) experience Mardi Gras properly when youre forty-five years oldmarried or not. You cannot leave your wife and kids (if you still want them to be there when you return) at the last minute to road trip across Italy for three weeks with your best friends. And you cannot stroll through the Red Light District of Amsterdam toting a stroller. Plus, if you ever want to learn something, like how to rock climb, play serious poker, or make a French woman scream, Oui, Oui!, this is the time to make it happen. You may not believe that your time is running out, but please trust us. Thumb through this book and think hard about what appeals to you. Lets say you read our description of the Exotic Erotic Ball in chapter 1 and decide you cant miss it (we wholeheartedly agree, by the way). Now imagine yourself standing half-naked in a room full of babes with their pretty little heads full of once-a-year dirty thoughts. Next to you is your wife, kids, aging parents, dog, and diaper bag. Sound appealing? Didnt think so.

As far as we go, Tims time has passed. Hes married, has a brand-new baby boy (future second baseman or outfielder, either is fine), and spends a lot of quality time in places like Babies R Us, Costco, and Home Depot. Tims found himself biting his lip through conversations with once-normal guys as they go and on about the benefits of their kids stroller, or how they really cant wait to move to the suburbs to get away from the craziness of the city. These are dudes who once stayed out until four A.M. every Thursday, puked at work, and still showed up for Friday happy hour. Tim has seen the demise in others, and cant deny his own movement toward a totally different world. But occasionally he fights the good fight with weekend golf/drinking outings, any friends bachelor party, and a recent salmon- fishing/drinking expedition. Michael, on the other hand, is a free man. Hes out making things happen and having good times at every opportunity. In the last year, hes reeled home a 180-pound marlin in Cabo, engaged in the renowned party boat scene of Lake Travis, and attended a heavyweight bout in Atlantic City.

Together, weve been kicking each other in various directions all our lives. From the time Tim threw his first high school party and Michael observed, learned, passed out on the kitchen floor, and threw a better party the next time around, to Tims very own bachelor party, at which Tim got a bloody lip from an overly aggressive stage show and Michael quickly realized his natural gift for getting strippers to love his money. All along the way, Tims given great big-brother advice like, Michael, go kick that table with the guy dancing on it, watch him fall and spill his beer all over himself, and Yeah, you definitely need to do another shot. One way or another weve been telling each other what to do, taking note of things done well, and not letting the other forget it when opportunities were missed. Were both very, very aware of the importance of the time you have before you get all married, responsible and shit.

Make this period a time of Remember when... and Oh yeah... I did that. Not a What if? or an I shouldve. The rest of this book is simply a collection of incredible things to do while you still can. We like to think of it as not only a to-do and a how- to, but also an idea generator and a how-to-get-it-done-right. Weve created a

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