Wilkins - The Weird Friends Fan Club

For T.K. and Babs. C.W.

CHAPTER ONE

When she was my age, Charlotte Bront had already written her first poem and was about to leave school to teach her younger sisters at home.

I think Id be terrible at teaching Kiera, she never listens. I mean, we get on fine shes only two years younger than me. But if Mum ever asks me to help her with her homework, we end up fighting.

Mums had it in her head that Im the clever one ever since Mrs Wilson first mentioned that I might go up to the top set in English. Were due to get a letter after the English departments faculty meeting or whatever. I really dont want to go up.

And Kiera isnt remotely stupid anyway. She just doesnt care about homework.

I hope Kiera doesnt read this diary.

GET LOST KIERA!!!! (If you are.)

But seriously, theres nothing you would find interesting here. Youre always saying Im boring anyway, and this is literally a diary that Mrs Wilson MADE me keep, to help with my writing, so POOP OFF!!!!!! (Yeah, I went there.)

God, this is why I dont keep diaries! There is no privacy in this house. Were all on top of each other, even though theres only the three of us.

And, I say house, its a flat really. A tiny, tiny flat that weve lived in since the divorce.

Kiera and I share a room (with bunk beds retro AND space-saving). SHE is on the top because I didnt say bagsy quick enough and apparently Mum preferred the law of the playground to listening to one more ruddy argument.

If I was trying to sell you my flat, I would tell you it was a cosy, one-and-a-half-bedroom apartment with an intimate kitchen-come-lounge and a bijou bathroom.

But I live here, so I can say the living room has a cooker, sink and fridge in it, and the bathroom and this is true, we measured it is smaller than my best friend Nics actual bath.

Now, to be fair, my best friend Nic does have quite a big bath in her family bathroom. Like slightly bigger than average. But still.

And my bathroom still has a bath in it. A tiny, tiny short, thin bath you can sort of sit in, to which we have added a Poundland showerhead attachment for a crouched, one-handed shower.

The sink is roughly the size of my hand, so you can squeeze past it to get to the toilet. The toilet is normal-sized. Whoever built this didnt care how we washed, but they wanted to make sure we could poo in relative comfort, which is something.

Because the sink is so tiny, if you turn on the tap too fast water goes everywhere. Theres a knack to it that visitors often dont possess. And if more than one person wants to brush their teeth at the same time well, its basically like a Cirque du Soleil performance.

I dont hate my flat or anything. I actually kind of like it. Its ours. And we get along. For the most part. Were kind of all in it together. Not that it was ever us vs. my dad. Not exactly. He just has this weirdly competitive streak. Anyway.

I was supposed to write about why I like Charlotte Bront. But instead I got distracted, and now Mums calling me and OH NO!!!! The letter came. Im going up a set in English.

When she was my age, Charlotte Bront had written one poem and was about to leave school (at fourteen!!) to teach her sisters.

Id be brilliant at that. (Not leaving school at fourteen I love school.) I mean the teaching. Im an excellent communicator. I dont actually have any sisters, or any brothers, but in theory Im pretty sure Id nail it. And Ive written loads of poems.

Heres one, just off the cuff:

Im Grace the writer,

My words can kill.

If you havent heard of me yet,

Then you soon will.

And thats just freestyle. I can do even better ones than that.

Im not saying Im better than Charlotte Bront. Not yet anyway. Ha ha. I am genuinely kidding. I love Charlotte Bront.

I do a lot of joke-boasting in my friendship group. Everyone gets it. Youll get it when you get to know me, diary, but Ive been told I can come across as up-myself at first. (But you know, only by losers who are jealous of my greatness.) Ha. Love and support to any enemies. #lovetomyenemies

This is the first writing exercise that Mrs Wilson has set. I mean its not even really homework, its just for me.

Basically, Mrs Wilson (my awesome English teacher) has spotted that I have the makings of a very talented writer and so she said I should start keeping a diary.

At first, I thought it was to document my early years as a writer (presumably as material for the museum that will one day be built about me). But it turns out she meant that its good practice for writing. And for the short story competition I am going to enter (and win!).

The prize is amazing: you get to go and visit the Bront Parsonage Museum in Yorkshire and see the house that the Bronts lived in! And do a weeks writing course and some nature walks on the moors!

I think Mrs Wilson is probably very impressed with how mature and sophisticated my tastes are. I dont think that many people my age have read Jane Eyre, its not on our syllabus until G.C.S.E.

So anyway, as per Mrs Wilsons suggestion, to get me going here are some of the reasons why I love and identify with Charlotte Bront:

1. Shes an amazing writer who really conjures up a scene and makes you feel as if it happened to you.
2. She worked really hard and was very clever.
3. She spoke French and spent time in France, and Im really good at French and Jadore la France!
4. I think I have a similar inquisitive mind and thirst for knowledge to Charlotte Bront, because in her book, Jane Eyre, the young Jane Eyre preferred the more grown-up Gullivers Travels to babyish fairy tales.
5. Her mum died of cancer when she was five, and my mum died when I was a baby, in a skiing accident.

Thats enough listing for now.

CHAPTER TWO

Monday 18th February

ERIN

Mum has some nerve calling me silly. Just because I dont want to go up to the top set in English.

Wanting to sit next to your stupid best friend Nicole is not a good enough reason! she screamed at me this morning. Who knows if youll even be best friends in two months? This is not how you make life decisions.

Like she can lecture me about life decisions.

Also, its not a decision. Well, its not MY decision. Its the schools decision. I have no say in it.

Im annoyed Mum called Nicole stupid, too. She probably just has bathroom envy.

Actually, Im pretty sure Mum doesnt like Nicoles mum because Nicoles mum only works part time, and once picked Nic up in her tennis outfit, and after theyd gone Mum kept remarking sarcastically how nice that must be.

So she also has tennis envy.

But it seems unfair to dislike someone just because they get to play tennis and you dont.

GRACE

Im so gutted for my friend Chloe. Just found out shes moving down two sets in English. So unfair. Our little group wont be the same without her. First day back after half-term and this happens.