Steve Patterson - The Book of Letters I Didnt Know Where to Send

Steve Patterson is one of Canadas funniest talents. In this book, he proves that he can write as effortlessly as he can make us laugh on stage and radio. The Book of Letters I Didnt Know Where to Send was a book of letters I didnt know how to put down.

MARK CRITCH , comedian, This Hour Has 22 Minutes

This collection of letters is just like Steve Patterson: funny, smart and just a tiny bit weird. This says all the things we wish we wouldve thought of but Steve just says it better. This is a really fun read.

DEBRA DIGIOVANNI , comedian, Video on Trial

Im glad Steve didnt know where to send these letters. Otherwise, wed never get to split our sides laughing at them. They are hilarious, thought-provoking and, more often than not, written on the bedrock of truth. This guy is good.

TERRY FALLIS , author of Poles Apart

Theres something for everyone in this book. All humanoids from heads of state to the lowly mermaid can learn how to change their lives in letter form. Without this book how would I know that Im an arsehole for reading the last page first? Thanks Steve, you changed the way I see the world.

NIKKI PAYNE , comedian, Video on Trial

The same warm, funny, personable Steve Patterson we know and love from The Debaters comes through on every page. I loved it!

CATHY JONES , comedian, This Hour Has 22 Minutes

Comedian Steve Patterson, the host of CBC Radios The Debaters , dips his quill, licks his stamps and airs his grievances as only he can. Hed like men to stop wearing Spandex bike shorts. Hed like airlines to stop selling seats they dont have. Hed like gluten to explain itself. Hed like his nine-year-old self to know everything will be all right.

Copyright 2016 by Steve Patterson.

All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or used in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher or a licence from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). To contact Access Copyright, visit www.accesscopyright.ca or call 1-800-893-5777.

Edited by Martin Townsend.

Cover and page design by Julie Scriver.

Cover image by John Hryniuk Photography.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Patterson, Steve, 1971-, author

The book of letters I didnt know where to send / Steve Patterson.

Issued in print and electronic formats.

ISBN 978-0-86492-883-2 (paperback).--ISBN 978-0-86492-956-3 (epub).--ISBN 978-0-86492-957-0 (mobi)

1. Letters--Humor. 2. Canadian wit and humor (English). I. Title.

PN6231.L44P38 2016 C818.602 C2016-902288-9

C2016-902289-7

We acknowledge the generous support of the Government of Canada, the Canada Council for the Arts, and the Government of New Brunswick.

Goose Lane Editions

500 Beaverbrook Court, Suite 330

Fredericton, New Brunswick

CANADA E3B 5X4

www.gooselane.com

To my wife Nancy and daughter Scarlett.

If enough people laugh at this book, Ill be home more often.

Contents

Dear reader,

I have always liked the concept of letters. Both the ones that combine to make words and the ones that are collections of words that make people do things (like read, for instance).

Im not exactly sure what the first letter I wrote consisted of, but I probably wrote it around the age of 9. Something to the effect of

Dear Mom,

Gone out. Back later.

Love,

Anonymous

Ive progressed quite a bit since then. But the basic formula for me has always been the same:

Address your audience.

Convey essentially truthful but not overly specific information.

Leave them laughing.

Its a very similar formula in successful standup comedy. To make people in a room laugh, you need to quickly let them know who you are, let them know you know who they are and then say things that make you laugh so that they are laughing with you.

This is not to say mimes cant be funny. They just write awful letters.

So it is that I wrote my first comedy letter shortly after embarking on my first comedy tour across Canada. Faced with countless hours in hotel rooms, I had to use what I had, and what I had in every room were notices, letters if you will, concerning energy conservation and towel washing. The irony of cardboard notices urging people to conserve wherever possible struck me as ridiculous and hilarious at the same time.

So I wrote my own little letter in response. The first time I read it on stage, it immediately struck a chord with every member of the audience who had stayed in a lot of hotels, and it contained enough information that those who hadnt could still be in on the joke.

Now, a scant 17 years later, Ive been encouraged to assemble a collection of letters (which, remember, are in themselves collections of letters) into a book. Some of these Ive shared on stage. Most I havent. Youll enjoy some more than others. If youre a minivan driver or a Republican, you should probably just stop reading right now. Ill wait here

OK, if youre still with me, thanks for staying. I really do hope you enjoy reading these letters as much as I have enjoyed writing them. Whether you do or not, I encourage you to write me a letter about it.

Yours truly,

Steve Patterson

PS: I take back what I said about minivan drivers earlier. For some family travel situations it really is the most logical choice. But you Republicans have no excuse.

Dear hotels,

Can you imagine how many trees are killed every day in order to make YOUR save the towels notices?

Why not just tell the front desk staff to tell guests what to do with the towels? Every single person who checks in MUST talk to the front desk. Surely they could remind people verbally rather than printing out MILLIONS of PAPER reminders encouraging environment-saving conservation.

You might also consider discontinuing the cardboard notices telling me the name of my housekeeper. It really isnt imperative that I know who is cleaning my room. Its not going to make me any less messy.

Quite frankly, when she knocked on my door this morning, at 7:00 a.m. , and said Housekeeping! and I replied, Come right in, Maria. Im waiting for you well, I think it made us both a little uneasy.

So Ill tell you what. If you cut down on YOUR environmental waste, I promise you I wont even shower ONCE while Im here.

Yours truly,

Steve Patterson

PS: You wont have to worry or complain ever again about washing the towels in this room Im taking them with me.

Dear arseholes,

As someone who hopes he is not designated as one of you, Im writing to ask you to stop doing what youre doing.

What are you doing, you ask?

I think you know. But in case you dont, heres my definition:

Arsehole (n): A person, animal or inanimate object that exhibits narcissistic, destructive, soul-sucking behaviour with little to no regard for others. Examples: Investment advisor who embezzles clients funds, bird that flies over caged animals at a zoo and taunts them, hammer that strikes my thumb instead of the nail.

This type of behaviour has a simple, specific name. It is known as Type A. (For those who have heard this term and wondered, What does the A stand for? well, now you know. Youre welcome.)

We all know our fair share of Type As. In fact, we ALL exhibit this type of behaviour from time to time. For me its usually when I am driving in traffic. But in fairness, its only because someone else exhibited more Type A behaviour immediately before I did.

The important thing is to offset your Type A behaviour with friendly, or Type F, behaviour.