The Captain - F*cking History: 111 Lessons You Should Have Learned in School

Stories. They educate us, entertain us, and help us relate to others. Weve either been told or have told stories our entire lives. Some true, some false. However, regardless of factual accuracy, theres no denying the reality that the right storydelivered at the right timecan give us hope, turning what feels like a bitter end into a situation that well someday laugh about with our friends. The right story can motivate us to take a chance. The right story can inspire us to make a change. Or perhaps the right story is simply a story to remind us that life is downright fucking strange. Well, this book is full of stories intended to do all those things. Except, unlike some of the fairy tales and fables that you were told while growing up, these stories arent works of fiction. These are real stories about real people. As you flip through the following pages, youll learn about individuals who destroyed kingdoms, people who got exactly what they had coming, and characters who proved just how badass (and bizarre) some humans really are. So whether youre dealing with heartbreak, facing another one of lifes headaches, or just looking for a reason to laugh about your mistakes, this book has a story for you.

Going back to the topic of fairy tales, Im almost positive that everyone reading this is familiar with the story La Belle et la Bte. No? What if I told you thats Beauty and the Beast, for all of you barbaric, French-illiterate folk? (Seriously, who raised you?)

Written by the French novelist Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve, and published in a collection of her stories in 1740, the tale of love overcoming even the most monstrous of physical and behavioral defects is pretty damn romantic, right? Hmm, not really. You see, Villeneuves story wasnt a fairy tale. In fact, it was quite the oppositeit was a goddamn nightmare. Because the intention of La Belle et la Bte wasnt to enamor the masses with a story of everlasting love; the purpose of the romance was to groom young girls for the possibility of an arranged marriage, an all-too-common practice for much of the world (and eighteenth-century France was not immune to this type of premarital turmoil).

Now, remember what I said earlier about stories helping us through hard times? Well, I cant think of anything worse than being forced to marry some gross-ass dude youve never met for your familys benefit. And Id imagine Villeneuve couldnt either, which is why she chose to write a story that (hopefully) made the ordeal feel less terrible. Think of it this way: Your significant other might suck from time to time, but hey, at least you chose to be with them.

Anyway, now that Ive destroyed the backstory to one your favorite love stories, allow me to continue doing what I do best for the rest of this book: teaching you some fucking history, full strength and far from watered down. Ive combined my two previous titlesalong with some new additionsto deliver a veritable collection of valuable life lessons.

Keep in mind, the following stories will be nothing like the ones you heard in school or saw depicted in films by a company that almost rhymes with kidney. (Personally, Id rather sell a kidney than be forced into marriage.)

Few things in life will make you feel as dumb as getting ghosted. But you know what? Getting ghosted is a fucking blessing. Because anybody who wont give you the courtesy of giving it to you straight is somebody you dont need in your life anyway. So if you get ghosted, keep doing your thing and make sure the person who ghosted you lives to absolutely fucking regret it. Be like Edith Wharton.

By the year 1905, Edith had already made quite a name for herself as an author and a wordsmith. Sadly, her literary success did not carry into her marriage. (Apparently, her husband was kind of an angry shithead.) And like unhappily married people have been known to do, she had an affair. It began in 1907 with a kindred spirit and fellow writer by the name of William Morton Fullerton. Edith was head over heels for this guy and thought for sure he was the soul mate most people only dream of meeting. Unfortunately, the affair was short-lived, as Fullerton disappeared on her sometime in 1908. Yep, he straight up ghosted her ass.

Over the years, she did what she could to find him and make contact by writing hundreds of lettersyes, hundredsin an attempt to get some closure, but Fuckboy Fullerton never bothered to even give her a response. Realizing all her worrying was dumb, Edith gave up and got on with her life. In 1913 she divorced her husband and moved to France. There, she continued to write, and in 1916 she received the French Legion of Honor award for her work during the war. In 1921 she became THE FIRST WOMAN EVER to win a Pulitzer Prize, for her novel The Age of Innocence.

As a saucy, scholarly boss, she never remarried and spent the rest of her life writing in the French Riviera, with her dogs, her garden, and her close friends. She even went on to receive three Nobel Prize nominations before her death in 1937. And what did Fullerton do with his life? Not much. His claim to fame was dating Edith, and a selection of the letters she wrote to him were eventually published in a book. Yeah, although he didnt respond, he received