Michael Musto - Fork on the Left, Knife in the Back

Fork on the Left, Knife in the Back

Michael Musto

To everyone who is still speaking to me.

CONTENTS

Everyone Shut Up About Ellen Degeneres

D-DAY IS ALMOST upon usyou know, Dyke Daywhen Ellen Morgan will join her better half, Ellen DeGeneres, in that well-furnished expanse outside the closet. But before that April 30 landmark comes Drama Queen Daytodaywhen I get to address all the naysayers whove contented that this is a crass or inadvisable move. Lets pray its the last blast of hot air on the subject. See, its my humble estimation that the most crass, inadvisable move of all has been the masturbatory should-she-or-shouldnt-she speculation thats cropped up in the supposedly liberal press. While its true that ABC and Ellen teased us with a few hundred too many Lebanese jokes, the real downside of that was it allowed critics free reign to second-guess this nervy venture, virtually canvassing the entire country about it in negativity-laden polls and articles.

These people are even more cynical than the network. Why did everyone have to agree that Ellen should be gay before it could be etched in stone (or pillow)? Do they ring doorbells and ask if Jane Seymour should make out with that long-haired guy, or, for that matter, if there should be a Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman? And why have even the opinion makers whove given the revelation a thumbs-up made sure to add, But lots of people arent going to like this? Who cares? Let them watch something elseif they can find something that wont violate their refined sensibilities. While theyre doing so, why dont the ink-stained wretches just help the future arrive faster instead of voicing the same namby-pamby reservations we heard when blacks first got sitcoms? Maybe they can go back to worrying about whether Diahann Carroll should be Julia.

The truth is, Im not really mad at ABC anymoreexcept for their having hypocritically turned down gay advertising on the episode. Ive almost forgiven their dicking us around (some feel this has actually provided a much needed desensitization process) and have even given in to all the glitz and guest stars, because at least theyll ensure that the coming out is put over in the biggest way possible. What Im really mad about are all the counterproductive responses you still hear, like, Lets hope Ellen doesnt feel trapped by the limitations of the gay label (no, dears, its the closet that has limitations); The Ellen twist doesnt make sense because the character started out straight (no, kids, just confusedeven DeGeneres had a boyfriend once); and This is nothing but a show-saving gimmickas if closet busting is such a simple, effortless way to nab ratings. If it is, lets have the gay lead actors and characters on all those other faltering shows announce their homosexuality right this second to their waning audiences. Im waiting!

Even if Ellen were using her lesbianism to grab an audience, shouldnt she be commended for turning honesty into a selling point? Wouldnt it be a wonderful new world if you could make your open gayness pay off for some kind of instant appeal? If the most predictable thing for a showbiz queer to say was, Hey, guys, its sweeps week. Lets come out!?

Insanely enough, its the very writers who think the coming out is a career-saving device who also say its a problematic move that lots of people wont like. How can it be both? I wish everyone except me would just shut the fuck up on the matter. In twentyno, twoyears, historians will look back at all this hilarity and say, Can you believe they had to have months of discussion about whether a fictional character should be gay? And then when the actress came out in her own tormented manner, people accused her of being cheap and calculating! It is to laugh.

Can Singing Siamese Twins Outshine George Michaels Bathroom Stunt?

THINGS THAT MAKE me mad, part whatever: First off, Im horrified that the Tony Awards committee decided that the two actresses who played the Siamese twins in Side Show can be nominated together, as a rule-breaking doppelganger duo. This is a slap in the faces of the other potential nominees, who will now have the disadvantage of competing as single human beings. And didnt any of the people involved in the decision (including the shows producers, who lobbied for the joint, as it were, nomination) see Side Show? The whole point was that, even if they shared embarrassing body parts, the twinsies were completely separate entities with vastly different dreams and personalities. They sang and danced about this theme for over two hours! Hello?

Whats more, I saw another Tony aspirant, the revival of The Chairs, and was furious that the two star characterspractically twinsare basically waiting for a mime; that, while the play didnt live up to my greatest fears of Ionesco (you know, What time is it? Pineapple), its still pretty fucked up; and that the whole thing leads up to a written phrase which, from where I was sitting, was so obscured it looked like, God Says Oy. And that I loved it!

What else? Oh yeah, I was all set to have my own absurdist evening at Jimmys Bronx Caf, the gigantic dance club up on West Fordham Road, until socialite Sandy Hillcelebrating her birthday there, on her first big slumming adventure since her controversial trip to a bigger hill (Everest)wisely decreed that this time she didnt want press. And in other mounting news, I was livid that Disney dropped ex-MTV VJ Simon Rex from the cast of a sitcom pilot because of his adult-film pastas if porno is any more shameful than some of those awful series! Besides, as the columnist who originally ran the movie still of Simon with a raging hard-on, I actually saw the guys body of work and know that all he did on film was jerk off. Do the jerk-offs at Disney not jerk off?

And does that same harmless gesture constitute the lewd act George Michael was supposedly performing in that bathroom a few weeks ago (no ones officially told us yet, though Howard Stern listeners seem to know the loo-down)? Or was George making provocative shapes out of paper towels? And was there ever any doubt about the guys sexuality anyway, not because hes Greek, but because he was once reported to be dating Brooke Shields? And hasnt Boy George (who was also sexually ambiguous when he was famous) been screaming for years that a girl Michael was supposedly enamored of used to be Boys own platonic fag hag? God says oy!

And who the hell is Jonathan Harris (Dr. Smith from the TV version of Lost in Space) trying to fool by saying his persnickety character was by no means gay? Dr. Smith not gay? PleaseIm sure he hung out in that very same bathroom. And is it true that a certain TV teen was set to make a big coming-out splash in a queer magazine until the powers-that-be made sure he crawled right back into that closet, where he can fend off attitude from Dr. Smith?

And by the way, how can the Teletubbies people not rush to confirm that the purple one, Tinky Winky, is gay, when not only does he carry a smartly chosen handbag, but the last time I turned in, he was twirling around in a festive tutu? And isnt it weird that muscle queens are now saying I lash out at them because Im jealous that they dont pay me enough attention? If so, wouldnt that underline my very pointthat body fascists only have time for one another, leaving non-muscled queens oppressed by both straights and gays? But Ill stop adding to the problem by demonizing themor at least try to, between pumps. Wearing them, that is.