Michael Winner - Michael Winners Hymie Joke Book

H umour changes over the years. What used to be considered humorous before political correctness enveloped us would not be considered humorous today because it would be deemed insulting. In this respect, the Hymie jokes which appear in this book are humorous for most of us but considered in dubious taste and not funny at all by some Jewish people who wrote to complain. They are luckily very much in the minority and in fact most of the jokes were sent to me by Jews. The complainers seem to have the belief that Hymie is a stereotypical Jew that no longer exists and he should not be brought before the world, even in joke form.

The archetypal butt of jokes, if youre American, was the Poles and in England its largely the Irish. The jokes were perfectly funny but they became unacceptable as time wore on. The fact is that those who suffer persecution or deprivation in their lives make jokes of their situation.

The funniest evening I ever spent was in Northern Ireland at the time of the Troubles. Indeed at a time when their troubles were at their most severe with prisoners defecating in their cells and slaughter going on everywhere. I was there to do an Any Questions radio programme. After the programme the BBC executives involved and the panel of Any Questions sat on little gold chairs in a hotel room in Belfast. The BBC executives, who were all from Northern Ireland, told a series of jokes that lasted the entire evening. They were some of the funniest stories I have ever heard but could be described as being in appalling taste or having a lack of taste. They drew on the situation in Northern Ireland as it was, including people having their legs shot off, defecating all over their cells, knee-capping each other. Not normally great material for jokes, but told by these Northern Irish people who were living under this great stress it was a relief for them to be able to tell jokes like that, and unbelievably funny. I have never spent an evening hearing funnier stories than on that occasion. But then the Irish have a great sense of humour.

On one occasion I was giving a lecture in Northern Ireland. A lady picked me up at the airport and she said, My husband wanted to come and greet you but hes marching in an anti-English march. As we went down a certain street she pointed out, Thats the British Embassy. We burnt it down yesterday. On the same visit I was asked to attend a theatre where I was doing my one-man show precisely at 7pm. An interviewer would greet me and familiarise himself with my work, and the show would start half an hour later at 7.30pm. At 7pm I turned up at this theatre, which was totally deserted, it was like a bad day in Hiroshima. Nobody was there or anywhere round the place. Eventually we found an old porter and he let us in the back and showed us to a musty dressing room where we waited. And waited. And waited. There was no sign of anybody in the building. There was no sign that there was going to be an event or that any audience would turn up at all. From time to time my publicity man would look through the curtains at an empty theatre and say, Theres still no sign of anybody coming. This went on until 7.30pm when the interviewer eventually turned up to meet me. I said, Its 7.30pm and you were insistent I should be here on the dot of seven yet you were not here. Ah yes, said the interviewer, we never turn up on time in Ireland, the other person might not be ready. That was a disarming remark if ever I heard one. The show was scheduled to start at 7.30pm. At approximately 7.35pm, my publicist looked through the curtains and said, Six people have just entered the hall. Thus they trickled in and at 8.15pm, forty-five minutes after the announced commencement of proceedings, the room was absolutely packed and I went on stage before a very appreciative and entertaining audience.

One of the great moments of Jewish humour gone wrong, or actually right, was when the Jewish comedian Jackie Mason performed for Thames Television, An Evening with Jackie Mason. Now, if you look at Jackies jokes carefully they could be considered anti-Semitic. Being a Jew he can get away with it. (He does refer to President Obama as a schwarzer in one of the funniest routines Ive ever heard about an American President. The gist of it being if you have to have a schwarzer whos President at least get someone whos black and not someone whose antecedents are largely white.) Anyway on this particular occasion, after it finished, Pamela Stephenson came over to me and said, No wonder the Jews hate Jackie Mason. Hes so anti-Semitic. I said, Pamela, darling, they dont hate Jackie Mason, the Jews adore Jackie Mason. They pack his theatre shows. Hes an absolute hero among the Jewish people. The next day the Telegraph said in its review that Jackie Mason told the sort of jokes that they were brought up to believe were extremely bad taste and anti-Semitic, which may or may not be true but they are bloody funny and most Jews have a sense of humour.

During this particular evening the celebrities in the audience were given questions to ask and thats it. Its not really open to the public. It so happened that in the audience I noticed a man called Josef Buchenwald Behrmann. Josef Buchenwald Behrmann was an actor who very much played on the fact that he had been an inmate of Buchenwald concentration camp to such an extent that he incorporated the word Buchenwald into his name. So everybody employed him. He was actually a bloody nuisance. I remember Michael Caine saying that on The Ipcress File Behrmann insisted on having the same size chair as him. That evening, Josef Buchenwald Behrmann was sitting in the audience wearing a pink tallit (prayer shawl), a pink skullcap and dressed like an old-fashioned Rabbi, except in pink. As Jackie Mason was answering the questions and expecting the set people to come forward with a question, I saw Behrmann put his hand up. Obviously the producers had no idea who he was and thought, Heres a Jew dressed like a Rabbi, lets give him a question. I could see all the microphones swinging over to Behrmann and the cameras that were not facing the stage turning to him as well. I thought to myself, I am the only person here who knows whats going to happen now. Let them carry on in their ignorance. So, having called for the question, Josef Buchenwald Behrmann said in his very thick Jewish accent, Mr Mason, if you were standing in line for the gas chamber in Buchenwald and you were naked and awaiting going to your death, what joke would you tell? I tell you that brought the audience to its heels. There was a stunned silence. The whole room went into complete shock. Jackie Mason made the mistake of answering. He said, Really you know this is not that sort of a show. This is an entertainment show. This is not the sort of thing we can discuss in a show like this. And then Jackie Mason made a fatal error. He said, Who in Buchenwald standing naked in line for the gas chamber would make a joke? To which Josef Buchenwald Behrmann replied, I was there, Mr Mason, we did tell jokes. I was there. This left everyone totally stupefied. Jackie really fell to pieces for the next twenty minutes. Both the audience and Jackie had to regroup mentally. Well, the show continued and when it finished I climbed the steps of the auditorium, passing Josef Buchenwald Behrmann. He said, Tell me, Michael, when you go home, are you driving anywhere near Baker Street? I said, No, Josef, Im not. No. I consider that one of the most memorable evenings in my life and it demonstrated comedy or the lack of comedy very well.

Of course the Jews always have a wonderful world-weary way of using put-downs. My father had a friend called Mr Kay who lived on the sixth floor of a block of flats and Mr Kay said to my father, You know, my son is always threatening suicide. Hes threatening to throw himself out of the window. To which my father replied, My advice is move to the ground floor.