Michael Rosen - The Laugh Out Loud Joke Book

Scholastic Childrens Books, Euston House, 24 Eversholt Street, London NW1 1DB, UK A division of Scholastic Ltd London ~ New York ~ Toronto ~ Sydney ~ Auckland Mexico City ~ New Delhi ~ Hong Kong First published in the UK by Scholastic Ltd, 2016 Text Michael Rosen Illustrations by Sarah Horne Scholastic Childrens Books, 2016 This electronic edition published by Scholastic Ltd, 2016 All rights reserved. eISBN 978 1407 17367 2 The right of Michael Rosen to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage or retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic, mechanical or otherwise, now known or hereafter invented, without the express prior written permission of Scholastic Limited. www.scholastic.co.uk Contents Introduction I woke up one morning and thought, I wonder what was the first ever joke book? I looked and looked and found that the oldest one weve got comes from Greece in the fourth century (thats sometime between the years 400 and 499!).

Its written by two men, so perhaps they were a kind of double-act like Ant and Dec. Anyway, some 1,500 years later, Im doing it too. But Im not a double-act. Here are some things you can do with my Laugh Out Loud joke book: Read it out loud. Read it to yourself. When theres a wobbly chair, you can slip it under one of the legs to stop it wobbling.

Line it up with some other books across the middle of a table so you can play table-tennis over it. Learn some of the jokes so that you can tell them to other people. Make it into a salad. Lend it. Try to get it back from the person you lent it to. Pretend that you made up all the jokes yourself.

Cover it with brown paper and write on it: Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, and everyone will think you are very clever. Q. What do you call a nose with no body? A. Nobody knows. Q. Why did the fly fly?A.

Because the spider spied er. Q. How does Darth Vader like his toast? A. On the dark side. Q. What do you get if you cross an ape and a prawn?A. A shrimpanzee.Q.

Whys a frog with no legs not much fun to be with?A. Its unhoppy. Q. Why did the toilet think it was too hot? A. It was flushed. My dog doesnt feel too good.How do you know?I asked him.What did you say?How do you feel?What did he say?Ruff. I know a guy who got a job mending a trampoline, but it fell through. I know a guy who got a job looking for water. I know a guy who got a job looking for water.

Well, well, well. I know a guy who had an accident when he went bungee jumping. Its OK, hes bouncing back. Q. What game do crocodiles like playing? A. Swallow my leader. Q.

Whats the longest word in the world? A. Smiles theres a mile between the two ss. We were having a meal in a restaurant and the waiter gave us our vegetables. Amongst them was a single piece of sweetcorn.See that? the waiter said, it should have a horn on it.Whys that? I asked.Its a unicorn, he said. Q. What did the nose know? A. Q. Q.

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?A. Great big holes all over Australia. Q. What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? A. Bee-hive yourself. A penguin dived deep into the sea and came up again really fast.It heard an animal nearby saying, Well done, penguin.The penguin wondered who it was and looked round.It was a seal of approval. I thought I ought to take a warm jumper with me. A bit of it was hanging out the side of my bag but most of it fitted in.

It was just in case. Q. Whos like a female sheep round here?A. Ewe. Q. Why did the baker stop making bagels? A. Q. Q.

What do you get if you cross a Diplodocus and a lemon?A. A dino-sour. Q. Which dinosaur was pleased you met him and his mates? A. Arent-you-glad-you-saurus. Q. Which country is always a bit on the cold side?A.

Chile. Q. Whats a pirates favourite takeaway? A. Fish and ships. Q. What kind of snake cleans car windows?A. A windscreen viper. Q.

What did one font say to the other? A. Youre just my type. Q. Whats the best side of the house to put a porch on?A. The outside. Q. Where do Santa's little helpers go when theyre ill? A.

The elf centre. Q. Why was the chef in the Greek restaurant such a cheery guy? A. He had a very good sense of hummus.