Ebenstein - I Hear You

Like all books, this one could not have been written without the help of many people along the way. I was the fortunate beneficiary of their help; all errors are mine alone.

My training in this field at Harvard Law School was excellent, and I was fortunate to learn from some of the best. I thank my teachers, who helped me enter into this field while still a student, and all of the folks at the Program on Negotiation (PON) with whom I had the pleasure of working.

I would also like to thank the Reginald F. Lewis Foundation for awarding me a fellowship, allowing me to travel to Costa Rica to teach mediation just after my graduation. Although the fellowship itself was modest in both duration and funding, it was hugely important in shaping my decisions; it gave me the confidence and encouragement needed to pursue a career in this field, and for that I am truly grateful.

In the arc of my professional life, I have worked at many different organizations, both in the United States and around the world. Over the past seventeen years I have been blessed to work with many wonderful colleagues, too numerous to name here. Each one helped me learn and grow as a professional, and I am deeply appreciative of their friendship and their wisdom.

The Babylonian Talmud (Ta'anit 7a) quotes Rabbi Hanina on recognizing those from whom he learned: I learned much from my teachers, and more from my friends than from my teachers, and from my students, I learned most of all. Clients are not quite students, but I would agree with Rabbi Hanina that we learn most from those we are trying to teach. I thank all of the clients that I have worked with over the years, who shared their challenges with me and allowed me the privilege of working with them on their stuck situations. So much of this book comes from the lessons that my clients taught me.

I would like to thank my agents, Pat and Michael Snell. Despite the many flaws in the initial proposal I sent them, they saw what this book could become and took me on as a first-time author. Pat, I have tried to show, not tell at every turn. Writing a proposal that Pat and Michael were satisfied to send to publishers was almost as hard as writing the book itself, and I hope the results speak for themselves.

Betty Rauch gave me valuable advice on how to reach the right audience with this book, and her warmth and humor gave me support along the way.

My parents have been an unwavering source of love and respect, and whatever I have accomplished and will accomplish in my career would not have been possible without the strong foundation they gave me early in life.

My parents-in-law gave me love and support at many key points and have treated me like their very own son in every way.

I also want to thank my sons, Avishai, Noam, and Elitzur, who lent moral support and, like most families, ended up absorbing some of my stress through this process, particularly before important deadlines.

There is one person I want to thank above all others, and that is my wife, Debra. She knew I had this book inside me even before I did, and she supported me in all ways as it moved from a mere idea to a reality. It is no exaggeration to say that without her, I doubt I could have written it at all.

American Management Association

DEVELOPMENT SUPPORT SOLUTIONS

www.amanet.org

GOING FROM STUCK TO UNSTUCK

Harriet opened the conversation by saying, Look, we were quite disappointed with the workshop, and I think this is feedback you need to take seriously. As Harriet detailed her dissatisfaction with the program, John, who managed client relationships for his firm, was fuming inside. All of her criticismsall of them!were things he had warned her about ahead of time. She said, John, the session was too short. John steamed, recalling that when he had inquired about running a longer session, Harriet had said they could not give the topic more time. Harriet continued, saying, You know, the junior staff was intimidated and didn't want to participate. When John had asked about dividing the group according to seniority, she told him that her marching orders were to keep the junior and senior staff together. And, to make matters worse, she hadn't let John interact with any of her senior managers one-on-one; she had insisted on being part of every phone call and meeting. This meant that John had no opportunity to sidestep Harriet. Her meddling in the design of the workshop had made things much harder and had negatively affected the final outcome.

After delivering all of the negative feedback, Harriet paused, obviously giving John a chance to respond. He wanted to speak up, but he was afraid of antagonizing his client. Now what? John was stuck.

John's situation is one we can all relate to. You find yourself in a dynamic with someone important to youa client, a manager, a colleague, a family memberwhere you don't know what to say or do. You may be stumped as to how to respond, afraid of sounding too aggressive, or fearful that being honest will make things worse. The good news is that you are not alone, and that there is something you can do to get unstuck.

Being stuck, in this context, is not like being stuck in the mud, unable to move. It's more like being caught in a maze, running in circles, where all of your motion somehow doesn't lead to progress. You just don't know how to respond in a constructive fashion. Not only do you not see how you can make it better, your attempts to make it better just make it worse. You have the feeling that there is simply nothing that could make this situation go differently.

Consider the following example. I was at a party at a friend's house chatting with a woman I had just met. Her name was Wendy, and she asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I coach people on how to communicate, collaborate, and negotiate more effectively in their most challenging situations, Wendy proceeded to tell me all about a difficult situation she was having with a colleague at work. Kevin, a peer of hers, would always find a way to avoid working late or on the weekends. He managed to duck most difficult assignments, which somehow ended up on Wendy's desk. In general, Wendy felt he was not doing his fair share of the work, and she was left picking up the slack. She tried to politely raise the topic with Kevin, but got nowhere. Wendy asked me for my advice, and we had the following conversation: