Dr. Shefali Tsabary - Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn’t Work... and What Will

Copyright 2013 by Shefali Tsabary, PhD

First printing 2013
Second printing 2014

All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form and by any means without the written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations used in book reviews and critical articles.

ABOUT THE EXAMPLES IN THIS BOOK
Although the examples in this book reflect real-life situations, they arent necessarily descriptions of actual people, but in some cases are composites created from my years of working with countless different parents in many varied contexts.

LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA CATALOGUING IN PUBLICATION

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Tsabary, Shefali, 1972-, author

Out of control : why disciplining your child doesnt work-- and what will / Shefali Tsabary, PhD.

ISBN 978-1-897238-76-9

1. Discipline of children. 2. Child rearing. 3. Parent and child. I. Title.

HQ770.4.T72 2013 649.64 C2013-904560-0

Published in Canada by

NAMASTE PUBLISHING

P.O. Box 62084

Vancouver, British Columbia, V6J 4A3

www.namastepublishing.com

Typesetting by Steve Amarillo, Urban Design LLC

eBook Design by Erik Christopher, Ugly Dog Digital, LLC

Advance Acclaim for Out of Control

Dr. Shefali offers an enlightened path to empower our children to become who they are meant to be. This book transforms our understanding of control and discipline and inspires us to evolve towards wisdom.

Mallika Chopra, founder of Intent

Dr. Shefalis message goes to the root of why we have conflicts with our children and teaches parents how to handle conflicts in a new way to find solutions that create empowered children and a closer parent-child relationship. You will be a stronger and more effective parent after you have read this profound book.

Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

A stunningly deep, wise, and practical guide to parenting in a way that will change how we think about children and approach family life. Its not OK to overpower growing people and its time we stop! Heres the book that will guide us toward doing it differentlywith more consciousness, connection, and love.

Carrie Contey, author of CALMS: A Guide To Soothing Your Baby

Out of Control will transform your relationship with your children by helping you become the parent you always dreamed you could be. Dr. Shefalis wonderful book is bursting with practical wisdom, and we enthusiastically recommend it to all parents!

Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, cofounders of Attachment Parenting International and co-authors of Attached at the Heart

A powerful book to help families transform their relationships forever. This book goes straight to the heart of the problems we share with our children and gives us a clear path to turn them into powerful lessons.

Amy McCready, founder, Positive Parenting Solutions & author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time

Dr. Shefalis provocative book title does not disappoint. With passion, compassion, and wisdom gained from her own parenting mistakes and her clinical research and experiences, she skillfully reveals why authoritarian parenting styles, controlling our children, and punishing disobedience dont achieve the goals or relationship we desire with our kids. And even better, she shows us what does!

Keith Zafren, founder, The Great Dads Project and author of How to Be a Great DadNo Matter What Kind of Father You Had

Dr. Shefali has done it againexpanded the parenting lens all the way to the coreand this time, with a focus on how we discipline our children and why. As with her last book The Conscious Parent, the traditional parent- child relationship is flipped on its head so that we, as parents, can see with new eyes. Out of Control offers distinct guideposts that can be used to untether ourselves from outmoded ways of controlling our children. Dr. Shefali always gives a clear and deep invitation to elevate our parenting to new heights, and this new book is no different. The reader will never see discipline in the same light again, allowing a true soul-to-soul rather than role-to-role relationship to bloom and awaken wholeness within both the parent and the child. I highly recommend Dr. Shefalis rich and textured offering on what it truly means to be an effective parent.

Annie Burnside, award-winning author of Soul to Soul Parenting

Refreshing, challenging, and life-changing! This book takes a deep and long look at our role as parents and what it truly means to teach our children self-discipline, authenticity, and empowerment. It takes a daring parent who takes the first steps towards conscious engagement. This book will usher you on this journey with wisdom: sometimes a gentle prod, and at other times a big push. Either way, you will end up taking a giant leap forward!

Lori Petro, speaker, parent-educator & founder, TEACH through Love

Profound and trail-blazing, this book sets itself apart by creating an entirely new approach to child discipline. Dr. Shefali brilliantly and instantly makes this complicated topic accessible, offering parents clear, useful, and invaluable guidance. This book is a gift to our children, and to those who care deeply about their future and their potential.

Jesse A. Metzger, PhD, clinical psychologist

Rarely does a book come along that can shift you from your core and catapult you into a new way of thinking, feeling and behaving. Out of Control is such a book! It goes to the heart of why it is we have conflicts with children and challenges us to engage with children from a new place entirelya much more evolved, free, and joyous place.

Julie Kleinhans, education transformation expert, certified coach, teacher and mentor for parents and youth

Out of Control is a superb book on societys greatest tasknurturing, raising, and honoring its children. Dr. Shefali expertly dismantles our oldest crutch, that of discipline, and provides us with concrete instructions on how we can help our sons and daughters become happy, healthy, confident, and self-regulating. Amazingly, she does it without preaching! A must-read for parents and educators.

Saira Rao, president, In This Together Media

This book is a game-changer. It turns the entire notion of discipline on its head and shows us a new waya revolutionary way that achieves results. If you want your children and your relationship with your children to evolve and flourish, this book is a must-read!

Belinda Anderson, certified life coach & author of Living from the Inside Out

A brilliantly written, insightful, and refreshing parenting book! Out of Control invites parents to shift from the archaic crime and punishment approach to bad behavior, to a new paradigm that shows them how they can consistently harness the power of natural consequences to raise their children to become more responsible, empathic, and resilient.

Davina Kotulski, PhD, author and psychologist

Dr. Shefali leaves no stone unturned in her mission to change our perspectives on parenting. She dares to challenge the cultural paradigms that have become primitive and are counterproductive to creating the positive experiences we wish for our children. After reading this book, every parent will begin the quest of honest self-reflection, insight, and ultimately change. This is the greatest gift we can give our children: our own growth.

Michael Mataluni, host of Kick Ass Dad / Passionate Parenting In A Volatile World

Dr. Shefali teaches us that it is through first embracing our true selves that we can then connect with and celebrate the true self of our child. Through that connection we enter the most precious space between of vulnerability, curiosity, empathy, and attunement. Traditional discipline in its many forms inhibits that connection. Dr. Shefalis book articulates a new way of approaching problematic behaviors and impasses that frees us to deepen the connection with our children and heal their pain and our own.