Table of Contents
To my son John Matthew, a very strong-willed child, now a successful entrepreneur, and my
devoted husband Barry.Mary Michael Levitt
To my friends Kim, Anna, Kendrya, and Kira, who are great examples of great moms!
Helen Coronato
Introduction
While it may feel like your strong-willed childbe it a toddler or teenhas become too exhausting to endure or too complicated to comprehend, there is a flip side to his or her intensity. Strong-willed children are brimming with gifts and opportunities and seem to have an endless supply of energy and enthusiasm. On a good day, these insightful, creative, focused, and passionate kids can knock your socks off with their humor, observations, and discoveries. On a bad day, you cant seem to get them to put on their socks. Literally. The seam is too tight, the cuff too short, the heel too scratchy. The same child who delighted you Sunday evening is making you crazy Monday morning. What is a parent to do?
Here is the good news: we can help you learn how to capitalize on your childs strengths, maximizing your good days and making your bad days more manageable. We can help you learn to better parent the child you have, instead of trying to turn him into the child you think hes supposed to be. We can share with you ideas and techniques to make the everyday and the special occasions more pleasant. The catch-all parenting philosophies that seem to work for most children cannot be effectively applied to yours. Because your child is more, she needs more. Fortunately, this book is a manual on how to manage, and celebrate, more.
Strong-willed children do best with a pro-active parenting approach where we draw on the strengths of the child, instead of focusing on reprimanding the problem areas. The goal of our book is to help you become a more proficient, efficient, and successful parent to your strong-willed children by clarifying why they are the way they are and then helping you make the most of their gifts and talents. Some ideas will be easy to implement and others will take some tweaking. We encourage you to work at your own pace and have patience with the transitionyours and theirs. Remember, parenting doesnt have to be perfect to be wonderful.
In Part 1, The Spirit of Your Strong-Willed Child, we talk about how to identify and accentuate your childs gifts by providing exciting learning environments and engaging communication techniques. Strong-willed children have tremendous capabilities and, given the right tools, can build a bright and beautiful future for themselves.
Part 2, Toddlers and Preschoolers, covers the early developmental years, with an emphasis on how establishing routines and boundaries can make a wonderful complement to your little learners independent spirit. From the common trouble of tantrums to finding what works best for your family, we offer several solutions for a calm and cooperative home.
In Part 3, Elementary and Middle Schoolers, we suggest new strategies for pro-active parenting, knowing that these strong-willed children thrive in environments where they are given guidance instead of doctrine. It is possible to defuse power struggles and encourage independence without surrendering your values; well show you how.
Part 4, Adolescents and Young Adults, features inspiring ideas for helping your strong-willed child successfully bridge the communication gap that often troubles parents during this tumultuous time so families can remain connected. As strong-willed children prepare for higher education and career, parents can remain a guiding force, confident that their child is capable, creative, and ready to share their gifts with the world.
Extras
In addition to the main text, youll find the following other useful types of information in sidebar format:
Pro-Active Parenting
These sidebars contain tips and practical info that will help you take action steps to guide your strong-willed child down a productive path without squelching her spirit.
Common Calamities
These sidebars contain warnings about common pitfalls when raising strong-willed children, from toddler to teen.
Words of Wisdom
These sidebars contain quotes that can be inspiring touchstones for you as you raise your strong-willed child.
Success Stories
Here youll find been there, done that anecdotes from other parents who have walked a mile in your shoes and are happy to share what they have learned along the way.
Acknowledgments
With genuine gratitude I thank my supervision group facilitated by Dr. Ken Hardy, a mentor of unending dignity and compassion. Many thanks to all the families who have trusted me to work with their children over the years and considerable thanks to Helen Coronato for providing the opportunity to collaborate on a project I feel so passionate about.
Mary-Michael Levitt
Special thanks goes to my literary agent Jacky Sach and the publishing team of Randy Ladenheim-Gil, Mike Thomas, and Megan Douglass. Warmest regards to the families who shared their stories with me during the writing of this book. Much love to my two strong-willed boys, Michael and Thomas, who challenge me to be a better parent, and person, every day. And love to my husband Tom, always.
Helen Coronato
Trademarks
All terms mentioned in this book that are known to be or are suspected of being trademarks or service marks have been appropriately capitalized. Alpha Books and Penguin Group (USA) Inc. cannot attest to the accuracy of this information. Use of a term in this book should not be regarded as affecting the validity of any trademark or service mark.
Part 1
The Spirit of Your Strong-Willed Child
A parent and childs relationship takes years to develop. It takes time to get to know the nuances of your child, the subtleties of personality, the quirks in behavior, the gifts of spirit. But when you have a strong-willed child, it can seem as if nothing about your child is, in fact, subtle. These larger-than-life personalities seem to burst into the world with their own agenda and seem intent on sticking to it no matter what!
While there are many similarities among strong-willed children, there are, thankfully, strategies for getting to know your child better. Learning the important difference between introverted and extroverted traits, approaching parenting from a proactive perspective, and learning the ebb and flow of different developmental stages can help give you the tools you need to find what works best for your strong-willed child and for your entire family.