Monica Mendez Leahy - 1001 questions to ask before you get married

MONICA MENDEZ LEAHY

Copyright 2004 by Monica Mendez Leahy. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

ISBN: 978-0-07-163683-4
MHID: 0-07-163683-8

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To my husband, Robert, thank you for proofreading,
correcting, and giving me indispensable advice. Your help
was priceless, your patience enviable, and the love you show
me every day, a true blessing. And to my parents, who gave
the world the best gift possiblehappy children. Words can
never express the love I feel for all of you.

Above all, I want to acknowledge the countless individuals who shared with me their personal stories of romantic successes and failures. The advice, admonitions, and anecdotes provided by these men and women of various ages are the basis for this work. I thank them for their contributions and hope that in writing this book they will be among the last to lament, If only I had known then what I know now in describing their own marriages.

I must also acknowledge the tireless work of Diane Sollee, the founder and director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education (CMFCE), also known as Smart Marriages. Her organization and website provided a tremendous amount of information and links to medical research papers, government statistics, and recently published articles. My heartfelt gratitude goes out to her and to all those who have devoted their professional lives to studying and writing about how to develop healthy and happy relationships.

This book would not be in print without the encouragement and assistance of Stephany Evans of the Imprint Agency and Michele Pezzuti of McGraw-Hill. Their enthusiasm and belief in the importance of getting this information into the hands of couples everywhere gave the project the fuel it needed to take off.

Recognition must also be given to my husband, Robert. His collaboration on this project was an essential part of the journey from idea to printed page. His clear thoughts and articulate explanations offered an illuminating male perspective on several subjects. Our lengthy conversations sparked several ideas and challenged many assumptions. I will never take for granted how fortunate I am to be with a man whos such a pleasure to talk with.

On my wedding day, my eighty-two-year-old grandmother pulled me aside and, in a voice that was almost a whisper, said, When I got married, all I did was cry for the first two years! A few hours later, my new husbands grandmother came up to me and said, Dear, now that youre family, I would like to share something with you. Thinking it was going to be her familys famous recipe for peach cobbler, I was startled to hear her say, When I first got married, all I did was cry for about two years! Since my grandmother doesnt speak English, and my husbands grandmother doesnt know a word of Spanish, I knew they werent in cahoots.

I had heard that the first few years of marriage were usually a period of adjustment, but in my love-struck mind I assumed adjusting meant having the love of my life nearby twenty-four hours a day. Now that was an adjustment I was looking forward to! Needless to say, I was setting myself up for a rude awakening.

The newlywed shock that my husband and I felt was a shared hypersensitivity to our actions and any decisions we were forced to make. Several couples I spoke with agreed with this description. One husband described his wariness in this way: I was afraid to help with the dishes. Because if I did, I thought I would have to do the dishes every day for the rest of my life.

We did notice that the problems my husband and I worked through easily were the ones that we had anticipated and openly discussed prior to getting married. I realized then that few individuals are prepared for the realities of married life. I strongly believe that there should be an extended guidebook of real-life scenarios to help couples discuss their compatibility and plans for their future. From this idea this book was born.

The questions in the forthcoming pages were drafted based on the real concerns, causes of separation, endearing anecdotes, challenges, and triumphs that Ive heard from hundreds of couples from all walks of life. Im happy to pass along their advice, in the form of 1,001 questions, from one friend to another.