Sarah Ockwell-Smith - Gentle Discipline: Using Emotional Connection--Not Punishment--To Raise Confident, Capable Kids
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- Book:Gentle Discipline: Using Emotional Connection--Not Punishment--To Raise Confident, Capable Kids
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Discipline is an essential part of raising happy and successful kids, but as more and more parents are discovering, conventional approaches often dont work, and can even lead to more frustration, resentment, power struggles, and shame.
Enter Sarah Ockwell-Smith, a popular parenting expert who believes theres a better way. Citing the latest research in child development, psychology and neuroscience,Gentle Disciplinedebunks common myths about punishments, rewards, the naughty chair, and more, and presents practical, connection-based techniques that really work--and that bring parents and kids closer together instead of driving then apart. Topics include:
Setting--and enforcing--boundaries and limits with compassion and respect
Focusing on connection and positivity instead of negative consequences
Working with teachers and other caregivers
Breaking the cycle of shaming and blaming
Filled with ideas to try today,Gentle Disciplinehelps parents of toddlers as well as school-age kids embrace a new, more enlightened way to help kids listen, learn and grow.
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A DVANCE P RAISE FOR
Gentle Discipline
Gentle Discipline is a thorough guide to raising confident, capable children. Sarah Ockwell-Smith delivers valuable information and balances it nicely with practical and clear advice for implementing gentle discipline. This is a book that will remain by your bedside for reference for years to come.
R EBECCA E ANES , author of P OSITIVE P ARENTIN G: A N E SSENTIAL G UIDE
Any parent who wants to guide their children with more respect rather than govern them with fear will benefit from reading Gentle Discipline. If you want reduce power struggles and punishments and replace them with more connection and understanding, this is a great read.
J ESSICA J OELLE A LEXANDER , coauthor of T HE D ANISH W AY OF P ARENTING
What I value most about Sarah Ockwell-Smiths latest book is that it honors the struggles of both children and parents. She helps us see how understanding both sets of needs yields resolution and connection, which are not words we usually associate with discipline! Readers are treated not only to fascinating new discoveries about how childrens brains and behavior relate but also to the ah-ha moments that parents most wish for during times of conflict with their children.
D R. S UZANNE Z EEDYK , developmental psychologist, Honorary Fellow, University of Dundee
In Gentle Discipline, Sarah Ockwell-Smith challenges us as parents to pause, take a step back, and understand why children behave the way they do, so that we can make respectful and effective parenting choices.... Congratulations, Sarah, this is a comprehensive, pragmatic, and common-sense approach to redefining what it means to discipline our children. Children all over the world will be thanking you!
T RACY G ILLETT , writer, mother, and founder of R AIS ED G OOD
P RAISE FOR
Sarah Ockwell-Smith
I love the way Sarah breaks down the concepts into clear guidelineswithout being strident about one right way to be a parentand the way she addresses the challenge of shifting from mainstream parenting to more gentle ways. The world can be a harsh place; families dont have to be.
L AWRENCE J . C OHEN, P H D, author of P LAYFUL P ARENTING
Provides a welcome antidote to the storm of advice that so often overwhelms new parents.
D R. L AURA M ARKHAM , author of P EACEFUL P ARENT, H APPY K IDS
An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York 10014
First published in Great Britain by Piatkus in 2017
Published in the United States of America by TarcherPerigee, by arrangement with Little, Brown Book Group, Ltd, 2017
Copyright 2017 by Sarah Ockwell-Smith
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
Tarcher and Perigee are registered trademarks, and the colophon is a trademark of Penguin Random House LLC.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Ockwell-Smith, Sarah, author.
Title: Gentle discipline : using emotional connection-not punishment-to raise confident, capable kids / Sarah Ockwell-Smith.
Description: New York, New York : TarcherPerigee, [2017] | Simultaneously published in London, UK as Gentle discipline book, 2017. | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2017015635 (print) | LCCN 2017023694 (ebook) | ISBN 9781524705756 | ISBN 9780143131892 (alk. paper)
Subjects: LCSH: Discipline of children. | Child rearing. | EmotionsSocial aspects.
Classification: LCC HQ770.4 (ebook) | LCC HQ770.4 .O25 2017 (print) | DDC 649/.64dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017015635
While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet addresses, and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.
Cover design: Nellys Liang
Cover images: (family drawing) PJStock / Shutterstock; (lettering) Dmitry Lemon5ky / Shutterstock
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I DEALLY, YOU WILL read this book in its entirety for the best results and most comprehensive understanding. If, however, you are desperate for a specific fix, I would recommend that you start by reading chapters 1, 2, and 3 and then skip to the chapter relating to your particular concern. Some of the scenarios in the book relate to certain ages; however, the theories underpinning my suggestions are universal and, as such, can be applied to children of any age. In fact, a lot of them can be used to help your relationships with other adults too.
Last, no matter what your concern, chapter 14 applies to everyone. If you dont discipline consciously, your efforts will probably be far less effective. So even if you think this chapter isnt for you, I would strongly recommend that you read it. In fact, the more irrelevant you think it is to you, the more likely it is that you need to read it!
I WOULD LIKE TO begin by letting you in on two secrets. The first is that children probably wish that they didnt misbehave just as much as parents do. The second is that almost everything we think we know about disciplining children today is wrong.
As a parent of four, I can understand how hard it is to always work with your children, especially when they are pushing your buttons. And most of us dont have the luxury of focusing solely on parenting: there are bills to be paid, jobs to be done, elderly relatives to be cared for. We have to balance so much, often more than is possible for one person. So it can be easy to slip into old patterns of shouting and punishingperhaps in a subconscious throwback to our own upbringing. The key to good discipline, however, lies in our behavior and actions, and throughout this book we will consider how much our own feelings and, indeed, self-discipline matter. A scary thought indeed. Im not saying we need to be perfect. Far from it. I have made many mistakes as a parent; I still do. And mistakes are OK, as long as we learn from them. Really, this is what good discipline is about: learningabout our kids and ourselves.
My goals with this book are to help you to understand why children misbehave and to respond in a way that is both effective and gentle. Many of societys most common discipline methods today cannot claim to do either. Current understanding of discipline is steeped in old behaviorist ideasthe belief that children need to be punished and motivated to do better. The reality is that while discipline that focuses on punishment and motivation may appear to produce quick results, the long-term effects can leave parents with a far worse problem than they had initially.
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