Steven Farmer - Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused

An important contribution to the Adult Child literature. Its quality of content goes beyond most books on Adult Children.

-Charles Whitfield, M.D . Author of Healing the Child Within

Adult Children

of Abusive Parents

A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused

25th Anniversary Edition

Steven Farmer M.A., Ph.D.

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Adult Children of Abusive Parents

A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused

An Earth Magic Book Copyright 2015 Steven Farmer

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this work in any form whatsoever, without permission in writing from the publisher, except for brief passages in connection with a review

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Earth Magic, Inc. Publishing Company

PO BOX 3735

Dana Point, CA 92629 www.earthmagic.net

First Ballantine Books Edition: May 1990

Second Earth Magic Edition: December 2015

Library of Congress Number: 89-91491

Formatted for Kindle by Shanda Trofe

Manufactured in the United States of America

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Adult Children of Abusive Parents

FOLLOWING ARE COMMENTS FROM THE ORIGINAL EDITION:

If, as an Adult Child, you have to choose one book to help you deal with your abusive past, this would be it. An excellent blend of theory and practical applications.

Jordan Paul, Ph.D.

Coauthor of Do I Have to Give UP Me to Be Loved By You ?

For years we, the products of dysfunctional families, have read about whats wrong with us, the battered 90%. Steven Farmer takes a giant step forward with a balanced, positive, practical and thoroughly tested path to freedom and joy. He is not a theorist but a compassionate healer, and his wonderful book, reflecting his dedicated life, should be called Free at Last !

James Kavanaugh, Ph.D.

Author of Will You Be My Friend?

This book is powerful regarding the issues of abuse in the family system. Reading this book will be quite an eye opener for many.

Stella Nicholson, M.A., S.C.A.C., C.C.S.A.C.

Co-Director, Adult Children center,

Lombard, Illinois

A compassionate primer for Adult Children of Abusive Parents.

Warren Farrell, Ph.D.

Author of Why Men Are the Way They Are

A useful approach to a distressing topic. Recommended. American Library Association Booklist

Its apparent from more current readers reviews that Adult Children of Abusive Parents has continued to be an excellent starting point for anyone who is recognizing their childhood maltreatment and how it affects them today.

COMMENTS FROM MORE CURRENT READER REVIEWS ON AMAZON.COM:

One of the best books Ive read on healing from abuse.

Kent McDonald , August 9, 2015

Steven Farmers book is outstanding and worth reading by every adult that was abused in childhood. It is hard to believe that so many parents dont know that they are abusers. In this book Farmer concentrates on providing advice for adult children on how to overcome the abuses endured during their childhood. I recommend this book to all abused adult children to stop the never ending abuse once they are parents.

Christine Villarino, July 25, 2015

I enjoyed this book. It pointed out a lot of critical issues that can occur during childhood.

Sheronda , February 7, 2015

EXCELLENT BOOK.

Christine Valentine , March 2, 2015

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For Nicole and Catherine.

I love you with all my heart .

CONTENTS

PART 1: GROWING UP ABUSED

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Please enjoy this FREE bonus meditation:

DOWNLOAD HERE:

Stress Relief Meditation

May it bring you peace and joy!

~ Dr. Steven Farmer

FOREWORD

Welcome to the updated 25 th Anniversary edition of Adult Children of Abusive Parents! Im pleased that this book has served so many in their healing and recovery from childhood abuse for the past 25 years. Im sure it will serve you as well and will continue to be a valuable resource for years to come. Ive updated some of the material and have added some contemporary resources that will continue to support you in your healing process.

You can overcome the lingering effects of the abuse you suffered and Im confident this will serve as a useful manual and guide. Youll learn how various aspects of your personality were shaped as an instinctive adaptation to the abuse you suffered. You did what you had to in order to survive your childhood, yet now have found that some of the adaptations that helped you survive hamper your effective functioning as an adult.

Now more than ever you dont have to be a prisoner of the lingering effects of your childhood abuse. As an adult you have many choices available to you for healing the effects of the trauma you endured as a vulnerable little girl or boy. To survive it required you to call on an inner strength and resourcefulness, qualities that can now serve you in finding greater peace and wholeness. You can discover and uncover the creative, innocent, and spontaneous aspects of yourself that have been hidden away all these years.

As youll see, there are specific symptoms common to anyone who has endured a traumatic, overwhelming experience. These symptoms are collectively called post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, which really isnt a disorder but a way your defenses reacted naturally to keep you alive. You instinctively organized your view of your world and yourself in response to your nervous system being repeatedly overwhelmed. In your healing you must access the stored energy of these adaptations and gradually but steadily release them. Ive designed this book to help you do just that.

In this book youll read others stories about growing up in a dysfunctional, abusive family and how they survived the traumatic experiences, as well as how, as adults, they learned to develop healthier life skills. Here youll find a number of exercises that will help you release the bonds of the past and experience a sense of renewal and rebirth as you move through your process of recovery.

I encourage you to go through this book slowly, taking as much time as you need with each segment. You may want to read through the entire book first and then go back and do the exercises, or you may pause to do the exercises after each section. Its entirely up to you. It also helps to talk it over with others, whether family, friends, or in a self-help group such as ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholicssee additional resources in the appendices). I also suggest you to keep a journal and record your insights and experiences in it. I wish you all the best in your path of healing and recovery and am grateful I can be a part of your process.

PREFACE

I grew up in an alcoholic family, my father being the identified alcoholic and my mother the codependent. Their fights and violent arguments punctuated my growing up years. Dont get me wrong; it wasnt this way all the time. There were periods of love and tenderness punctuated by their fighting but those seemed far and few between. Many nights I lay in bed, knotted up with fear, as my parents and my brother screamed and fought in the next room. How I often yearned for someone to be there to take away the pain, to hold me and tell me that everything would be alright.

But no one was there. To survive, I instinctively learned to deny my feelings and to be as quiet, as invisible, as good as I could. I hoped that by my being good, somehow everyone would be happy and the abuse would stop. But it didnt. I felt powerless to influence and chaos and found that the best I could do was to help others feel better after one of these scenes.

I became so good at helping others that by the time I was 10 years old I had become our familys counselor. This disposition plus an intense curiosity about what makes people tick prompted me 15 years ago to become a real counselor. One time when I was about thirteen or fourteen, we had just moved from Iowa to California a couple years ago, my father had a hard time finding work, he was drinking, and my mother was freaking out. This was going on almost constantly so I finally sat them down and counseled them. My first introduction to marriage counseling!