Table of Contents
This book is dedicated to the memory of those who lost their lives in the tsunami in December 2004 and to all the people who worried about me while I was in India. The experience taught me a valuable lesson and reminded me of how many people love mea lesson those of us who were abused continually need to relearn.
Acknowledgments
I feel so fortunate and so grateful to work once again with Tom Miller, my wonderful editor at John Wiley & Sons. I appreciate his wise feedback and am grateful for the fact that he has gone to bat for me over and over. His faith in me has been unremitting, and it has helped me to continue to have faith in myself. I wish to thank everyone at Wiley who worked on this book, especially Lisa Burstiner, who did an economical yet astute job of editing.
To my fabulous agent, Stedman Mays, I offer my undying gratitude and appreciation. You have gone way, way beyond the call of duty for me. I appreciate all your hard work, your feedback, your suggestions, your intuition, and most of all your dedication.
I also want to express my gratitude for Mary Tahan, my other agent. Mary, I appreciate your insights and suggestions regarding my books, and I especially appreciate all your hard work when it comes to selling my foreign rights. I always know you are pulling for me.
I am deeply appreciative of the numerous clients who were willing to try my Mirror Therapy techniques. Your courage, determination, and feedback are greatly appreciated.
I am deeply indebted to the work of two authors whose work I called upon for this book: Elan Golumb, Ph.D., author of Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self; and Byron Brown, author of Soul without Shame: A Guide to Liberating Yourself from the Judge Within. Their wonderful work illuminated and inspired me.
I am also indebted to the work of two people whose ideas inspired me to create my Mirror Therapy program. Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D., the author of The Power of Empathy: A Practical Guide to Creating Intimacy, Self-Understanding and Lasting Love, provided me a framework from which to work, especially with regard to having empathy for oneself. Laurel Mellin, creator of the Solutions Program and author of The Pathway, has helped me to further understand the damage caused by inadequate parenting. And while I already understood the importance of creating a nurturing inner voice (symbolic of a healthy mother), Laurel taught me that it is equally important to create healthy limits (symbolic of a strong father).
Introduction
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE who were emotionally abused, neglected, or smothered by their parents or other significant caretakers when they were growing up. Many of these people do not realize they were abused or neglected, and they continue to suffer from myriad problems throughout their lives because they are not getting the help they need. People who internalize the abuse manifest self-destructiveness, depression, suicidal thoughts, passivity, withdrawal (avoidance of social contacts), shyness, and a low degree of communication with others. They are likely to have low self-esteem and may suffer from feelings of guilt and remorse, depression, loneliness, rejection, and resignation. Perceiving themselves as unworthy and the world as a hostile place in which they are bound to fail, many are unwilling to try new tasks, develop new skills, or take risks.
People who externalize the abuse may be unpredictable and violent, their behavior characterized by impulsive action rather than conformity to social norms. They frequently become anxious, aggressive, and hostile. They suffer from constant fear and are always on the alert and ready to hit back. Many end up mistreating others, often in the same ways they were mistreated.
At the core of all these symptoms and behaviors is an inadequately developed sense of self and a distorted image of self based on parental negative messages and treatment. Unless adult survivors address these fundamental issues, their efforts toward recovery will be thwarted.
If you were a victim of emotional abuse or neglect as a child, this book will show you exactly what you need to do in order to heal from the damage done to your self-image and self-esteem. Healing Your Emotional Self will guide you step by step through a program that is both innovative and psychologically soundinnovative because it uses the mirror as a metaphor and a tool for healing, and psychologically sound because it combines my many years of experience specializing in treating people who have been emotionally abused with various respected psychological concepts.
Although the primary audience for this book is survivors of emotional abuse and neglect, this book is for anyone who suffers from low self-esteem or body-image issues. People who are preoccupied with their bodies, or who determine their self-worth by how their bodies look, will find the book particularly helpful. Many suffer from a distorted body image and from negative feelings concerning their bodies, but they do not understand that the cause may be negative parental messages, emotional abuse, or neglect.
Many of you know me from my other books on emotional abuse, namely: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, The Emotionally Abused Woman, and Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman. In those books I wrote about the fact that people who are currently being emotionally abused (or are abusive) are doing so because they were emotionally abused as children. Now, in Healing Your Emotional Self, I will help readers take a giant step forward by offering a powerful program that will help them repair the damage caused by emotionally abusive parents.
Childhood neglect and emotional abuse cause many of the most serious problems people suffer from today. This is not a revelation to most professionals or to many who suffer from its effects, but in spite of this knowledge, there is insufficient help for the survivors of these types of abuse. Relatively few books have offered readers a complete understanding of how this kind of child abuse affects people, ways to heal from the damage, and how to resolve relationships with parents. This is the first book to offer a comprehensive healing program specific to the kinds of messages (mirrors) that emotionally abusive and neglectful parents give their children and to how this kind of abuse affects a childs self-image.
Neglect and emotional abuse are the primary causes of both borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which have turned out to be the disorders of our time. This is true for two major reasons: Children in the past two decades have grown up with absent, neglectful parents and parents who continued to pass on the emotional abuse they themselves sustained. In addition, both the borderline and narcissistic personality disorders have come out of the closet in terms of professionals telling their patients exactly what their diagnoses are. In the past they had kept these diagnoses from their clients for fear of traumatizing them.
Those who were emotionally abused or neglected also tend to suffer from eating disorders. Many overeat as a way of soothing themselves, while others overeat out of self-loathing. On the other end of the spectrum, many become anorexic as a way of gaining a sense of control because they feel overly controlled by their parents.
