No one knows better the pain of dealing with adult children who have lost their way better than the parents of those without boundaries. Sometimes it feels as though setting these boundaries is more difficult than living with the anxiety, stress, and heartache, but thats not so. Allison Bottke, writing through her own hurt and experience, has compiled a masterpiece of advice. She doesnt just tell you or show you how its done; she walks along beside you.
Eva Marie Everson and Jessica Everson,
authors of Sex, Lies, and the Media and
Sex, Lies, and High School
Lack of boundaries with adult children is a worldwide epidemic with catastrophic consequences. Allison shares not only her experience as a parent who has traveled this painful road, but she gives readers concrete tools to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing. Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children is destined to be the official resource of hope for countless parents and grandparents.
Heather Gemmen Wilson,
author of Startling Beauty: My Journey
from Rape to Restoration
Parent! If youve tried everything humanly possible to rescue your adult child, yet you find yourself still drowning in a sea of chaos, calamity, and guilt, Allisons book is the lifesaver youve been searching for. Its filled with practical ways to be set free to get on with your life.
Judy Hampton,
author of Ready? Set? Go! How Parents of
Prodigals Can Get On with Their Lives
Allison Bottke has stepped forward in a courageous, straight-from-the-heart manner and dealt with an issue that has plagued parents since the dawn of time: setting (and enforcing) boundaries for rebellious adult children. Having been not only a parent but a pastor who faced this issue countless times, I am excited to see that a mother who has wrestled with demons to see her child delivered has written a heartfelt yet practical book of advice and encouragement that will bless each and every one who reads it.
Kathi Macias,
author of 20 books, including
Mothers of the Bible Speak to Mothers Today
Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. NIV . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Verses marked KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.
Verses marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible, 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)
Verses marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
This book is not intended to take the place of sound professional advice offered by a family counselor or therapist. Neither the author nor the publisher assumes any liability for possible adverse consequences as a result of the information contained herein.
For privacy reasons, some names in Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children have been changed.
Cover design by Garborg Design Works, Minneapolis, Minnesota
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR ADULT CHILDREN
Copyright 2008 by Allison Gappa Bottke
Published by Harvest House Publishers
Eugene, Oregon 97402
www.harvesthousepublishers.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Bottke, Allison.
Setting boundaries with your adult children / Allison Bottke.
p. cm.
ISBN-13: 978-0-7369-2135-0
ISBN-10: 0-7369-2135-4
1. ParentsReligious life. 2. FamilyReligious aspectsChristianity. 3. Parent and adult childReligious aspectsChristianity. 4. Adult childrenFamily relationships. 5. Intergenerational relationsReligious aspectsChristianity. 6. Empty nestersFamily relationships. I. Title.
BV4529.B675 2008
248.8'45dc22
2007019417
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Printed in the United States of America
08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 / VP-SK / 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
To every parent or grandparent with an aching heart.
With God all things are possible.
M ATTHEW 19:26
Contents
The longer I live and the longer I write, the more people I have to thank for making every book come to life. God has blessed me greatly with family, friends, co-workers, and an amazing publishing team whose encouragement, support, and love make all the difference in the world. You know who you arethank you from the depths of my heart. Yet without readers, it would all be for naught. Therefore, I wish to extend a heartfelt thank you to readers. It is for you this book was written. Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children was a tough book to writea book that was decades in both the living and the writing. It is my prayer that within its pages you will find hope and healing.
It is also my prayer to share true short stories from parents and grandparents who have been victorious in breaking free from the cycle of enabling. If youve never heard of our true short-story compilation books God Allows U-Turns and God Answers Prayers, I encourage you to visit our Web site to find out more about them. Please consider sharing your inspiring true story with us for a special collection to help empower parents and grandparents around the world. Visit www. godallowsuturns.com.
I also want to invite you to stop by our SANITY support-group Web site (visit www.allisonbottke.com and follow the links or visit www.sanitysupport.com) to locate sanity support groups in your area or to find out how to start one.
Last but not least, Id love to hear from you. Please send an e-mail ( ) or drop me a letter. I respond to all correspondence if youll give me a little time to get back to you. May God bless and keep you.
Allison Bottke
100 W. Southlake Blvd.
Southlake, TX 76092
www.AllisonBottke.com
www.GodAllowsUturns.com
www.BoomerBabesRock.com
www.SanitySupport.com
There is nothing more painful to a parent than watching your grown child experience a meltdown. Whether the process is gradual or an unexpected, sudden departure from wise choices, financial responsibility, and decent friendships, the internal reaction is the samegut-wrenching agony as you try to figure out what went wrong when you had all of the best intentions.
You feel betrayed because as a parent, youve tried to practice unconditional love. Youve offered forgiveness for inappropriate behavior and provided enough encouragement and tangible help to give your child a fresh start. But the cycle of pain continues as time after time your adult child accepts your help, promises this is the last time your assistance will be needed, and then falls flat on his or her face againwith no one to come to the rescue but you.
At such times, the enemy swoops in with taunting lies and tempts you to believe:
- If I had been a better parent, this would not be happening.
- If I had read my Bible more consistently and prayed more fervently, God would have protected my child from this crisis.
- If I had been less busy, I could have stopped this cycle of destruction before it got to this point.
On one level, we may feel guilty and even in some way responsible for the wrong choices of our children. Yet at a heart level we believe that even if our childs behavior doesnt warrant our support, his or her potential does! If we can just help them get out of a plummeting lifestyle and desperate circumstances, were convinced they will finally take good advantage of their clean slate and demonstrate a new beginning that warrants all of our support and encouragement. But then, to our great disappointment, the cycle of destructive behavior begins again.
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