Dr Ian Palmer - What to Expect When Youre Adopting...: A practical guide to the decisions and emotions involved in adoption

CONTENTS

Adopting a child can be one of the most rewardingexperiences anyone can have for both the parentsand the child. But making the decision to adopt canbe daunting and often overwhelming.

In this unique guide, leading psychiatrist Dr Ian Palmer does notgloss over the realities of the adoption process, but rather leads youthrough the many stages and emotional aspects involved and offerspractical guidance on:

• Making crucial decisions with confidence
• Building a strong foundation for your family
• Separating the myths about adopted children from the realities
• Discovering the key to healthy attachment with your child
• Dealing with the issues of single-parent adoption, infertility and theoption of remaining childless

Drawing on extensive research and the authors own experience ofbeing adopted, What to Expect When Youre Adopting isa warm and sensitive guide, offering you the tools you need to decidewhether adopting a child is the right step for you.

Dr Ian Palmer is very well placed to look at the psychological and emotional issues relating to adoption. Adopted himself, he is also a psychiatrist with particular interest in family medicine and psychological trauma. Dr Palmer has wide experience of dealing with individuals and couples attempting to come to terms with difficult experiences and decisions, including going through IVF and contemplating adoption.

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Published in 2009 by Vermilion, an imprint of Ebury Publishing

Ebury Publishing is a Random House Group company

Copyright Dr Ian Palmer 2009

Dr Ian Palmer has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owner.

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The information in this book is general in nature in relation to the specific subjects addressed and is not a substitute and not intended to constitute nor be relied on for specific legal or any other professional advice. So far as the author is aware the information is correct and up to date as at January 2009. Practice, laws and regulations change and the reader should obtain up to date professional advice on any such issues. The author and publishers disclaim, as far as the law allows, any liability arising directly or indirectly from the use or misuse of the information contained in this book.

I would like to thank Julia Kellaway, my Commissioning Editor at Vermilion, for having the courage to ask me to write this book and the faith to stay with the project; my wife Triona, for her invaluable advice and support in making this book readable, and my agent Mandy Little, for all her encouragement.

I wish to thank the British Association for Adoption and Fostering (BAAF) for allowing me to reproduce information from their publications and acknowledge both BAAFs and Adoption UKs pre-eminence in this field, and for their continuing crusading work on behalf of children seeking families and parents seeking children.

I wish to thank all the social workers in the field of adoption and fostering for the commitment and hard work they put into ensuring the best possible future for the children in their care, and a special thanks to Lindsay Wright, Team Manager, Islington Adoption Service.

And finally, I want to acknowledge the courage, determination and altruism of adoptive parents for the futures they offer their children. I wish them well in their endeavours and hope that, in some small part, this book will act to swell their numbers.

Any profits from this book will go to Family Futures Charity, a specialist service for children in adoptive families, foster families and families living with children who have experienced separation, loss or early trauma: www.familyfutures.co.uk

Adoption has always been an integral part of my life, from the very beginning in fact. My story is slightly unusual nowadays as I am a foundling. I was left in a phone box in West London when I was only a few days old. No note, no keepsakes, no name nothing. Most crucial of all no clues on how to find my biological mother or father. This fact has been a constant companion throughout my life. My biological mother has never made an attempt to track me down, at least not to my knowledge. I have registered my desire to hear from her with the appropriate agencies, but in more than half a century the silence has been rather loud. I can only assume she is dead, or I am dead to her. I would still love for her to contact me but have absolutely no idea how I would react. Would I be overwhelmed with anger or regress to a needy child? Who knows? I suspect I never will. It doesnt alter the longing though, and I would love to share with her my life story, my successes, my children her grandchildren.

I would tell her how, while I have achieved much, my life was marred by my adoption. My adoptive mother was a kind but weak soul, whereas my adoptive father was a monster, the stuff of nightmares. He was very abusive, and only later did I learn he had been abused as a child.

My experience was unfortunate but not that uncommon in those days. Such stories are the very reason for many of the changes now in place for adoptive parents and their children. If you add to the mix the fact that my wife gave up a child for adoption when she was very young, you can see that between us we have experienced the old process from both sides of the coin.

I mention these details here because I think it is important for you to understand why I feel driven to write this book. The product of these experiences is knowledge, empathy and a desire to help, even in a small way, to make adoption work for the child and his or her new parents.

I have done well. I have been a GP and subsequently a psychiatrist for more than 30 years, specialising in physical and then psychological trauma and its effect on interpersonal relationships. My professional background gives me the expertise to highlight areas all adoptive parents will have to address at some stage, and to suggest ways to deal with or better still avoid the pitfalls that will surely arise as you travel along your adoption journey.